:/
Everything about the past year of my life is being turned completely upside down. I feel like I don't know who I am or what has even been the point of everything I've done. I barely have anyone to talk to about any of this because the only person I want to talk to is the reason I'm feeling like this right now.
Everything this summer was amazing. The time apart from Heather was shitty, because she would push me away, but as soon as we saw eachother it was absolutely perfect again. I fell in love with her all over again, and she supposedly did too. We just got back from the best vacation I've ever been on.
For the past week she has been treating me differently, being distant and barely wanting to kiss me or anything. I let it go for a little while, thinking it was a mood. I finally asked her what was wrong and she said she needed to figure it out for herself, and she didn't want to talk about it. So I let it go. I left her house yesterday and we were texting and I brought up that she was being totally different this week and I knew she wasn't herself. She finally told me what was bothering her.
Basically she's saying for the past week or so she hasn't been completely happy, and is wondering if she wants to be with a guy again. As far as the maybe wanting to date a guy goes, I've known since the beginning that she would never define herself as gay because she could possibly see herself with a guy. But she also said that she was in love with me so it didn't matter what she defined herself as or if she could be with a guy in the future. She says that her ex Kenny, who basically was a drug addict their entire relationship and hid it from her, affected her more than she thought and she thinks shes been shutting guys out because of him and not wanting to trust a guy again. Understandable, but I don't understand why this is an issue now. I don't get what she wants. She says she can't see me not being in her life and that she loves me, so I'm not getting why this guy thing is an issue. It's basically like saying she wants to be single so she can find if there is a guy that's right for her out there. And she admitted it might be because being with a guy is easier as far as marriage and acceptance. She said the thought started on our vacation when she kept seeing couples and newly weds. This kills me because I want to marry her, and she's the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with. And it's quickly slipping away.
And she says she hasn't been happy but that she can't think of anything I specifically did that made her feel like that. I wanted her to tell me anything I'm doing wrong or not doing enough of and she has nothing. I don't fucking understand.
An even worse part to the whole situation is that we decided to live together this year at school. Now a week before we go back this is all happening. Not even 3 weeks ago we were shopping for our apartment buying the cutest things and making collages of us to put in our room. And now I had to make the offer to sleep somewhere else for a few days to give her space. She doesn't want to do that because she doesn't want our problems being broadcasted. We have from now until Saturday apart, which is good for her to figure shit out, but from talking to her and hearing how she feels I have a horrible feeling we're not going to last. I've been non stop crying for the past day and a half when she told me and it's not like she even broke up with me. I've never been in this situation. I am absolutely in love with her and I know how in love with me she was, and to think that even if we stay together and try to work this out that those feelings might not come back to her kills me.
I'm scared of so many things if I lose her. I mean I hope for the obvious, that she realizes she loves me and wants to make it work. She says she knows she loves me, but I know it's not the same feelings as before. And I hope if she does decide to take time for herself, which she said she needs, then I hope in the long run that she misses me and wants me back because as much as I would love to say I'd get over her and do my own thing, I know I'd wait. I'm just so scared of being without her and missing all the cute things we did together and how perfect we were. If there were problems in our relationship and we were both not that into it or something and realized it can't work out between us, I'd take this much better. But the fact that I know how amazing we are and how perfect we've been until now just kills me. I can't imagine getting to know someone else on the level i got to know her, or her being with someone else and opening up to them and being cute with them. I constantly am thinking about if we break up that I'm never going to find anyone like her, and I'm going to compare everyone to her. That thought scares the hell out of me, because I don't want to be alone. I want her, and no one else. And I just can't see myself getting lucky again like I was finding her.
I hope to God that she works this out and can be happy with her decision, and that it's to stay with me.
The fact that she is questioning our relationship because of the possibility of wanting a guy makes me hate myself for being gay. That's also one of the scariest parts of this. I want to be enough for her and give her what she wants but I can't do that when marriage isn't legal and we have to act like we're not together in front of people that don't know about us.
Fuck this. I just needed to get this all out about how I feel because as much as I want to talk to Kelly she doesn't understand. The only other friend I'd talk to about this is Deirdre, but I want to see where this goes first. I don't want everyone to know about this until me and her figure it out.
We've always been the couple everyone thinks is so cute and perfect. And now within a week we're falling apart. I don't know what to do. I can't see her and not talk to her or hug and kiss her. It's not possible. She's my best friend and ultimately I want her in my life, but if she ends this it's going to be a long time before I can talk to her. We have all the same friends at school. Same team. Same apartment. Wtf am I going to do. All this shit's running through my mind.
Everything this summer was amazing. The time apart from Heather was shitty, because she would push me away, but as soon as we saw eachother it was absolutely perfect again. I fell in love with her all over again, and she supposedly did too. We just got back from the best vacation I've ever been on.
For the past week she has been treating me differently, being distant and barely wanting to kiss me or anything. I let it go for a little while, thinking it was a mood. I finally asked her what was wrong and she said she needed to figure it out for herself, and she didn't want to talk about it. So I let it go. I left her house yesterday and we were texting and I brought up that she was being totally different this week and I knew she wasn't herself. She finally told me what was bothering her.
Basically she's saying for the past week or so she hasn't been completely happy, and is wondering if she wants to be with a guy again. As far as the maybe wanting to date a guy goes, I've known since the beginning that she would never define herself as gay because she could possibly see herself with a guy. But she also said that she was in love with me so it didn't matter what she defined herself as or if she could be with a guy in the future. She says that her ex Kenny, who basically was a drug addict their entire relationship and hid it from her, affected her more than she thought and she thinks shes been shutting guys out because of him and not wanting to trust a guy again. Understandable, but I don't understand why this is an issue now. I don't get what she wants. She says she can't see me not being in her life and that she loves me, so I'm not getting why this guy thing is an issue. It's basically like saying she wants to be single so she can find if there is a guy that's right for her out there. And she admitted it might be because being with a guy is easier as far as marriage and acceptance. She said the thought started on our vacation when she kept seeing couples and newly weds. This kills me because I want to marry her, and she's the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with. And it's quickly slipping away.
And she says she hasn't been happy but that she can't think of anything I specifically did that made her feel like that. I wanted her to tell me anything I'm doing wrong or not doing enough of and she has nothing. I don't fucking understand.
An even worse part to the whole situation is that we decided to live together this year at school. Now a week before we go back this is all happening. Not even 3 weeks ago we were shopping for our apartment buying the cutest things and making collages of us to put in our room. And now I had to make the offer to sleep somewhere else for a few days to give her space. She doesn't want to do that because she doesn't want our problems being broadcasted. We have from now until Saturday apart, which is good for her to figure shit out, but from talking to her and hearing how she feels I have a horrible feeling we're not going to last. I've been non stop crying for the past day and a half when she told me and it's not like she even broke up with me. I've never been in this situation. I am absolutely in love with her and I know how in love with me she was, and to think that even if we stay together and try to work this out that those feelings might not come back to her kills me.
I'm scared of so many things if I lose her. I mean I hope for the obvious, that she realizes she loves me and wants to make it work. She says she knows she loves me, but I know it's not the same feelings as before. And I hope if she does decide to take time for herself, which she said she needs, then I hope in the long run that she misses me and wants me back because as much as I would love to say I'd get over her and do my own thing, I know I'd wait. I'm just so scared of being without her and missing all the cute things we did together and how perfect we were. If there were problems in our relationship and we were both not that into it or something and realized it can't work out between us, I'd take this much better. But the fact that I know how amazing we are and how perfect we've been until now just kills me. I can't imagine getting to know someone else on the level i got to know her, or her being with someone else and opening up to them and being cute with them. I constantly am thinking about if we break up that I'm never going to find anyone like her, and I'm going to compare everyone to her. That thought scares the hell out of me, because I don't want to be alone. I want her, and no one else. And I just can't see myself getting lucky again like I was finding her.
I hope to God that she works this out and can be happy with her decision, and that it's to stay with me.
The fact that she is questioning our relationship because of the possibility of wanting a guy makes me hate myself for being gay. That's also one of the scariest parts of this. I want to be enough for her and give her what she wants but I can't do that when marriage isn't legal and we have to act like we're not together in front of people that don't know about us.
Fuck this. I just needed to get this all out about how I feel because as much as I want to talk to Kelly she doesn't understand. The only other friend I'd talk to about this is Deirdre, but I want to see where this goes first. I don't want everyone to know about this until me and her figure it out.
We've always been the couple everyone thinks is so cute and perfect. And now within a week we're falling apart. I don't know what to do. I can't see her and not talk to her or hug and kiss her. It's not possible. She's my best friend and ultimately I want her in my life, but if she ends this it's going to be a long time before I can talk to her. We have all the same friends at school. Same team. Same apartment. Wtf am I going to do. All this shit's running through my mind.