Perfect Man, Imperfect World
I wish I could put all of our memories into a little box...a little container...a glass ball would be pretty...and keep them there forever. I'm afraid of any of them getting lost, or me just letting go my hold of them.
Because really, now, there are so many things that obviously don't need to be thought about on a daily basis, but they're such pretty, wonderful little things...and I don't want to lose them. Because in the end, that's all there will be left...is things left over from what happenED. Not things that are happenING.
Like the first time I saw him again after we'd been talking online. The people who were there had left the room for a moment and it was just us...and no doubt it was awkward, and sort of strange being given the first time to interact on our own. Before that we had always been in a group, and not really talked much together. Strange how people can be attracted to each other in more than a physical way when there's hardly even anything between them yet.
And like the first time that I came over on my own to hang out. Of course he wanted to jump me I'm sure, and probably wanted to try, but somehow it generally managed to stay clean. But god did that take some guts to show up at his house and go see him alone. We'd hardly seen much of each other and then the pressure was on to keep things going for hours at a time with only our own creativity. He ended up offering a back massage(what else would the little horny bitch do...lol) and so there was that...and maybe it was just that I haven't been touched much before, but the one thing I learned about him right away is that his touch is amazing. And I know he knows it, too. He knew then and he knows now. And it's not just sexual, but the way you see him interact with animals and such, he has a way of giving comfort, and knowing how the person on the receiving end is feeling. And it was also then that I realized it had been so long since I'd been physically close with a guy like that, and how much I had been missing out on, and damn...lol.
And all of the time we spent just sitting together in his room listening to music. It could be considered dull, I suppose...just sitting there. But that has been one of the remarkable things about us, is that we know that it's okay to not be in some involved activity, and we're not so sure that you need to be having a conversation to still be able to communicate. It was always enough to just sit together, and it never felt like there was a silence, even if it's so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
And the mornings we woke up together having slept the night together...but keep in mind we never had sex until at least three months into our "relationship". Those mornings when we were just so enthralled to be able to be together for the night. Those mornings when we did absolutely nothing but lie in bed until 2pm, just lying there together, not wanting to make it all go away. I thought that there was something special and remarkable about it then...it certainly was for me, it was something I'd never imagined I would experience...but of course I couldn't be QUITE sure if it was the same for him, considering all of the choices of women he's been with and surely woken up with. But now, I'm pretty sure it must have really meant something to him, too.
And to think of how our first kiss was on the bathroom floor of a hotel, after me puking for two hours...lol. Certainly sounds terribly unromantic, but we had waited plenty long at that point, and it was great when we did. And regardless of the surroundings and circumstances, I enjoyed it all to hell and remember it just fine. And god...what would have become of me if he weren't there that night, I don't even know. I couldn't have done shit for myself, since I'm pretty sure I passed out at a couple of points. I imagine I would have been puking all over the floor, and never would have made it out of that chair. And just the point that he took it upon himself to take care of me that night, I think it just foreshadowed what would come I guess. I mean, before that during the night we were at a distance from each other, but then he still found me as his responsibility or something to see to it that I was alright? It was sweet. And even the next morning after all the spectacles of the night before, he still continued to motion me over to him to hold on to and such...and dear christ I've never known a greater man...::sigh::
And now so much has changed, but our hearts keep hanging on to each other for dear life. There's times when we believe we should let go, I know...and times when we'll figure we should just give up....and, I imagine at some point we very well might. I say that we will. But this is extraordinary, and that is why I am with him. It is so goddamn trying...it really is...but what it comes down to is the fact that our HEARTS are perfect together...and we have ridiculous understandings of some things that no one else will ever be on the same level with. And there is nothing wrong with our feelings for each other, and there is nothing wrong with US. It's just who we are...and where we are...that makes everything so fucked up. ::sigh::
Because really, now, there are so many things that obviously don't need to be thought about on a daily basis, but they're such pretty, wonderful little things...and I don't want to lose them. Because in the end, that's all there will be left...is things left over from what happenED. Not things that are happenING.
Like the first time I saw him again after we'd been talking online. The people who were there had left the room for a moment and it was just us...and no doubt it was awkward, and sort of strange being given the first time to interact on our own. Before that we had always been in a group, and not really talked much together. Strange how people can be attracted to each other in more than a physical way when there's hardly even anything between them yet.
And like the first time that I came over on my own to hang out. Of course he wanted to jump me I'm sure, and probably wanted to try, but somehow it generally managed to stay clean. But god did that take some guts to show up at his house and go see him alone. We'd hardly seen much of each other and then the pressure was on to keep things going for hours at a time with only our own creativity. He ended up offering a back massage(what else would the little horny bitch do...lol) and so there was that...and maybe it was just that I haven't been touched much before, but the one thing I learned about him right away is that his touch is amazing. And I know he knows it, too. He knew then and he knows now. And it's not just sexual, but the way you see him interact with animals and such, he has a way of giving comfort, and knowing how the person on the receiving end is feeling. And it was also then that I realized it had been so long since I'd been physically close with a guy like that, and how much I had been missing out on, and damn...lol.
And all of the time we spent just sitting together in his room listening to music. It could be considered dull, I suppose...just sitting there. But that has been one of the remarkable things about us, is that we know that it's okay to not be in some involved activity, and we're not so sure that you need to be having a conversation to still be able to communicate. It was always enough to just sit together, and it never felt like there was a silence, even if it's so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
And the mornings we woke up together having slept the night together...but keep in mind we never had sex until at least three months into our "relationship". Those mornings when we were just so enthralled to be able to be together for the night. Those mornings when we did absolutely nothing but lie in bed until 2pm, just lying there together, not wanting to make it all go away. I thought that there was something special and remarkable about it then...it certainly was for me, it was something I'd never imagined I would experience...but of course I couldn't be QUITE sure if it was the same for him, considering all of the choices of women he's been with and surely woken up with. But now, I'm pretty sure it must have really meant something to him, too.
And to think of how our first kiss was on the bathroom floor of a hotel, after me puking for two hours...lol. Certainly sounds terribly unromantic, but we had waited plenty long at that point, and it was great when we did. And regardless of the surroundings and circumstances, I enjoyed it all to hell and remember it just fine. And god...what would have become of me if he weren't there that night, I don't even know. I couldn't have done shit for myself, since I'm pretty sure I passed out at a couple of points. I imagine I would have been puking all over the floor, and never would have made it out of that chair. And just the point that he took it upon himself to take care of me that night, I think it just foreshadowed what would come I guess. I mean, before that during the night we were at a distance from each other, but then he still found me as his responsibility or something to see to it that I was alright? It was sweet. And even the next morning after all the spectacles of the night before, he still continued to motion me over to him to hold on to and such...and dear christ I've never known a greater man...::sigh::
And now so much has changed, but our hearts keep hanging on to each other for dear life. There's times when we believe we should let go, I know...and times when we'll figure we should just give up....and, I imagine at some point we very well might. I say that we will. But this is extraordinary, and that is why I am with him. It is so goddamn trying...it really is...but what it comes down to is the fact that our HEARTS are perfect together...and we have ridiculous understandings of some things that no one else will ever be on the same level with. And there is nothing wrong with our feelings for each other, and there is nothing wrong with US. It's just who we are...and where we are...that makes everything so fucked up. ::sigh::