cheated...
I don't think Tim realizes how much he hurt me. How can he though if he's never been cheated on before? I had such high hopes for this relationship, and all I wanted was to be happy with him. Sure I'd see other men on the side walking past me and I'd think... "hmm, that guy's hot/cute..." That would be the end of it though because I was satisfied with what I had. Tim had been good to me, and he treated me so well that he swept me off my feet. This journal isn't for him to feel guilty even more than he does. I am definitely skeptical of what he tells me now and still very heart broken. I never thought a guy could make me feel worse than my brother ever has. This might sound harsh, but there's definite differences. My brother never really treated me like his precious sister, but only like a slave sister as though I were trash. The thing about my brother though is that he's always like that with me and as hurtful as it has been and as much as it has affected me throughout me growing up, whenever I cried about my brother's actions, the longest I've cried was maybe like 2 hours and only for that day. I could easily get over it only because I had been used to having to cry to myself and by myself. At home, I feel as though I'm trapped in many ways. I can't do what I want because I'm a girl. I have to take everyone's crap, but they can't take the time to listen to mine. They feel that I'm just an easy target because I'm the youngest. Also I figured I've had enough awful bf's in the past that I don't want Tim to be another one either. We shared so much together, and enjoyed each other's company. I didn't expect him to cheat on me at all, it probably wouldn't bother me so much if he didn't go all the way like he did. I have to wonder what else he did with the girl, even though it doesn't make me feel all that comfortable. I really want to give Tim a second chance for many reasons. I don't think I ever loved anyone as much as I've loved Tim and it hurts that a gentlemen like him could pull such a thing. I hope he keeps his promises. The thing that boggles me the most about Tim and me, is the fact that he seemed so serious about me saying how much he loved me, cared for me, said I was beautiful, was the happiest with me and even mentioned of getting married and talked of what kind of wedding he would like, and we even talked of names for kids. Then out pops this cheating... ::sighs:: I never realized a guy could hurt me so much more emotionally than my own brother... and that's sad and saying a lot. I just want a guy that can be completely honest with me in a relationship and one that's loyal. A lot of people say I should dump Tim, only few others say I should give another chance. A very close friend of mine says she knows I'm strong enough to give him another chance, but in the end... it's up to me. I've never cheated on him either... I tried cheating on a bf before and I felt so uncomfortable, shaking in my body and all I did was makeout with a guy, I just felt it was so wrong. In the end, that relationship didn't last, we were too VERY different people. I just know that if Tim and I ever break up... I will work hard into never seeing anyone that reminds me of him or even keeping contact. I don't want to remember the pain, and later see Tim with someone else who makes him happy, when that's what I wanted to do for him. I feel I haven't been a very good gf to him because I've turned into something terrible which I partially blame my upbringing as well as what my exes had done to me in the past. Tim, I know, has been very patient with me and has forgiven me for the silly arguments and me being grouchy at him. I do feel bad about that, I've decided I really don't want to keep talking about this cheating... I don't want to lure him into thinking suddenly, "maybe since she keeps complaining about it... I'll go ahead and do it again." I know that if I lose Tim over him cheating on me again, I know that my life will seem very miserable because I always wanted a guy to be there for me to tell them everything about. Someone that's closer to me than even any of my best girl friends. I was walking back from class I think it was yesterday or today, can't remember... the girl walking behind me was crying and I could tell. I didn't want to embarrass her by turning around to talk to her, but part of me wanted to ask her what was wrong. I had to wonder if she was also going through something similar. I couldn't blame her for crying because I don't believe women cry over anything stupid in public. As much as this cheating has hurt me, I never wanted to show the world that anything bothered me, I refuse to cry to let other men and women see me. It did help me feel a bit better hearing someone else cry only because I felt that I wasn't too alone. The cheating thing is definitely a big theme with people. It's really sad that people can't trust people. I don't even know who to trust in that sense. More importantly, I don't know how to make the best decision. Men can be really good at hurting other women and I know the women can do the same, so as in the case with Tim... I can imagine that if he had left me for the girl in Singapore, she probably would've used him. I think that because of how he hurt me by it and it would've sorta been nature's way of teaching him a bit of a lesson. Well, this is getting long... I'll write more on my life another day. This journal will probably hold the truth of me, but won't necessarily spill my guts of all secrets I have. Reach for the starz, hope for the best... but prepare for the worst so as to not be too disappointed.
<3 Starzthelimit~