(no subject)

[starzarefalling]

ive spent a week trying to reflect on the fact
that i may have made the biggest mistake of my life
that i may be at a place where there is nothing i can do
and i've destroyed my own life and now i can't even tell a soul

i'm going through a whole new whirlwind of events
with people who i finally realize..really do know me better than anyone else
because they've spent the past year with me and know me for who i am now
not who i was years ago

and its a realization for me
that i don't know the people i used to
for who they are now.
and i mean...i've known that, to some extent or another for some time now
and maybe i didn't want to admit that it's all changed

that i can't turn to the same people for help
that i can't expect the same people to care the same way they always have
because in the end..we're all disposable to one another
to come and go in each other's lives as seems convienent to whatever else is going on with us

and i'm just as guilty as those i feel fail me when i need them
because we all think, nothing is that big of a deal that it can't wait

and until you're sitting there
realizing...some things really are such a big deal that they can't wait
that they can't just be shrugged off
that sometimes..nightmares become reality

i feel like until it's you,
sitting there in that position
it all seems fine...
and you think "we'll talk again some day"
"everything will eventually go back to the way it was"
"we've always been friends, and we always will"

but i realize..that's not true.
in fact, its further from the truth than the fact that i thought
"that will never happen to me"

well it has.
and it may.

and im letting go.
and i'm not going back
instead im going to try not to lose it all together
and just go forward with the only people i feel like i can trust nowadays