wow, last night went from good to bad to good
ok, so last night. wow. i wasn't me at all. like me, maggie, and kelly went over to jon and nush's house...like always. and i was having a great time, talking to fat pat's roomate (hes really cool) and then i'm in the kitchen holding his cup while he went out to smoke a cig, and this other guy gave me his beer to hold, and that kid i thought was really cute. so i'm just chillin in the kitchen, and kelly and maggie come in, and then the next thing i know, me and kelly are yelling at each other. and now i feel bad cause this one kid was really nice and came in and told me he thought i was beautiful, and i thought maggie told him to tell me that, so i told him to fuck off basically and that i didn't want to hear him tell me lies. i dont' know what the hell was wrong with me. but i was yelling at kelly, and they were trying to convince me i can get anyone i wanted, but i dont' think it's true and i never will, i know i'm too awkward around boys, and it's just stupid. i dont' know how to flirt, and they were trying to tell me i can. well, i mean, i was drunk, and didn't want to hear it. so me and kelly were yelling at each other in the kitchen for almost an hour, and maggie was apparently asking people if they thought i was cute, and people said yes, but i mean, when it comes to things like that, i dont' believe anyone when they tell me that. at one point tony was in the kitchen, and not doing much to help the suituation, so i gave him the finger like 20 times, and told him to fuck off maybe 10 or 15 times. you know it sucks when the one person you want to hear that you're at least pretty from is the one person that didn't say anything. and i don't even think that i wanted him to say it, i just wanted something, i don't even know. i feel like i have too many thoughts right now, that are too negative, to even like deal with. i don't know what to do, i don't know how to act, i'm really glad that i'm going to be spending a night alone tonight. i can wallow in my self-pity, and pretend i'm happy after that. i don't even know what the hell i'm saying anymore.
after the whole fiasco with kelly, i talked to mary k, and she helped calm me down a little, but idk. it's hard. and then i went up to the bathroom to dry my eyes and look like i wasn't crying, and then jon knew i was, and he told me that i could talk to him, but i dont' want to tell him that i always feel unloved and uncared for by people other than my close friends, which only can do so much, cause i don't want to be intimate with them. of course i told him i was fine, and i would talk to him if i needed to talk to anyone. and that was a lie, but i can't tell my friend my problems and sound like a whiney bitch. cause that's what i sound like, i sound like the only thing that i really care about is boys and trying to get them to like me...or hook up with me. but i mean, yea that's part of it, but i don't talk about that and thats what always seems to come out at the worst moments.
and honestly, it's even more fucked up than this. i mean, even if i could get someone to hook up with which would be awesome, i don't think i could go through with it just because i always have that thing that if i think someones cute or hot, if they do one thing to hinder my thoughts i go the opposite way, and take everything to critical. like even if johnny depp came up and wanted to hook up with me, i would probably find something gross to me that would make me not hook up with him. that's the way it always is. and i feel like thats the way it always will be.
but enough of my rambling, i feel sick with my thoughts. i just want to be able to improve my image, but i just can't, and it's because i see myself for what i really am and what i really look like. becuase even though beauty is only skin deep, thats all most people care about. at least at the start.
(julie)
after the whole fiasco with kelly, i talked to mary k, and she helped calm me down a little, but idk. it's hard. and then i went up to the bathroom to dry my eyes and look like i wasn't crying, and then jon knew i was, and he told me that i could talk to him, but i dont' want to tell him that i always feel unloved and uncared for by people other than my close friends, which only can do so much, cause i don't want to be intimate with them. of course i told him i was fine, and i would talk to him if i needed to talk to anyone. and that was a lie, but i can't tell my friend my problems and sound like a whiney bitch. cause that's what i sound like, i sound like the only thing that i really care about is boys and trying to get them to like me...or hook up with me. but i mean, yea that's part of it, but i don't talk about that and thats what always seems to come out at the worst moments.
and honestly, it's even more fucked up than this. i mean, even if i could get someone to hook up with which would be awesome, i don't think i could go through with it just because i always have that thing that if i think someones cute or hot, if they do one thing to hinder my thoughts i go the opposite way, and take everything to critical. like even if johnny depp came up and wanted to hook up with me, i would probably find something gross to me that would make me not hook up with him. that's the way it always is. and i feel like thats the way it always will be.
but enough of my rambling, i feel sick with my thoughts. i just want to be able to improve my image, but i just can't, and it's because i see myself for what i really am and what i really look like. becuase even though beauty is only skin deep, thats all most people care about. at least at the start.
(julie)