(no subject)
Ok. I’m writing this for myself as a tool to help myself get over things and so I can actually have record of my life, since I failed to write much at all this year. So I don’t want complaints about its length. No one is asking you to read it. And there are very few people who read this anyways (as far as I know)
On the nice long ride back to Tally, i began to think about the year and how much i had gone through...as i thought about it, its amazing how much really did change.
Just as i said when i first turned twenty, it is the probably the weirdest year to experience. You're not a teenager anymore, but you don't have complete adult privileges. So you grow through a lot of different things.
Let Start From the beginning:
January i started a new semester. I was pretty well adjusted that year to living with Haley, who i love to death and i'm happy to still be living with her this year. I know God put her in my life for many reasons. When i had first started the year i was worried about dealing with living with a non-Christian and the different lifestyles of most of my friends. Still to this day the majority of my friends are not, but i love them all dearly and they are good people despite our moral disagreements.
At the beginning of the year, i was also still working out frequently and keeping myself healthy...not knowing that the school schedule and drama ahead would change everything. I had 8am classes 3 days a week and 9 am the rest. Getting up way early and have classes till the afternoon was a tough thing to do.
I don’t want to go into too much detail about everything that went wrong due to the privacy of others and the fact that some things are better left unsaid.
But anyways, slowly the school pace picked up and i realized how crazy my life was going to be, especially when it would get to the time to do stage crew for Metamorphoses.
MMM <3 Cankles and Vday <3
The mark of the beginning of my semester of hell was February 13. I went out with my sister and her friends to the track field after church. As i was frolicking onto the track field from grassy center from doing who knows what ( i had been running for a bit at that time, practicing sprints with my sisters friend) Somehow, i tripped over the white border that separates the track from the grass and sprained my ankle terribly. But, since i used to be in track and was trained to "walk it off", i made myself believe that i was fine and after walking a bit, decided i was good to run again.
After doing three more laps and deciding the break into a sprint again (despite the growing pain) my friend broke into a sprint and i, being the competitive i am, broke into one as well. This was the point in which my ankle (who is French) said "Hellllll no" and proceeded to suddenly give completely out again and sent electrocuting pain as a sign that it was the end. I stopped short and limped off the track in excruciating pain.
My sister thought I was faking until she saw that I had suddenly grown a plump “cankle”. But, unfortunately, our on campus “hospital” wasn’t opened that day. So the next morning, after limping to all my classes of course, I went to Thagard to see what had happened. At least it was broken, but they gave me crutches, which I thought were extremely uncomfortable.
Further more, to show the intelligence level of our fine facility, they sized them wrong, so I was hunched over on the crutches, which, later on, proceeded to injure my shoulders and neck to the extent that if I made even the movement off pushing down on anything with my left hand I would nearly collapse from the shooting pain it send up my neck. Strange, yes, I know. Needless to say, that made me give up the crutches all together.
My first 10 minutes of trying to crutch my way back to my dorm was sad and pathetic. They gave me a nice plastic bag to put my stuff in. So I had it in one had, trying to go up the pleasant steep hill ride next to Thagard. I was clearly struggling, yet, no one was kind enough to help me, or even ask if I was ok. My nice little plastic bag slowing was stretching out and tearing, and multiple times I nearly fell backwards going up this hill.
Mind you, this was Valentines Day. That beautiful holiday that I have never enjoyed. Single’s Awareness Day is the better name for it. I had never received anything special from anyone on that day. However, this year, I was supposed to have a nice male visitor come see me, but plans fell through, and crap happened which goes into a whole other story that I’m not even going to touch.
The Metamorphoses of Insomnia
Anyways, my ankle was the source of me struggling to get to my classes and going up hill and not ever resting my ankle b/c I was stubborn and I hate crutches and the time that some kind friends fixed my crutches for me, I was in too much pain and always in such a rush to get places to use them.
Run Crew started, and obviously, using crutches and working back stage don’t go very well. And, obviously, working out stopped altogether, which is finally when that beautiful thing called gaining the freshman fat, that I had avoided up to then, finally had its way with me. It wasn’t only b/c of my ankle that I didn’t work out, but a thing called sleep is also needed to have the energy to work out.
At that point, I was extremely lucky if I got 5 hours of sleep. I was pulling a weekly all-nighter (or one of those through in an hour nap bits). And later on, due to the stress of school and friends with drama that will later be touched upon, I developed a nice case of insomnia. Literally. I was exhausted, and the days I actually had time to get a decent sleep, I couldn’t. I would just stay awake and think about everything and stress that I wasn’t sleeping and that I was becoming so unhealthy.
Run Crew, despite the fact that it was the reason behind no sleep (I would get done with classes, have time to eat and shower or what not and I’d have to be at run crew at 430ish. I was in charge of costumes, and since Metamorphoses is performed in a pool of water, they clothes went to the laundry every night, and I was in charge of making sure all the costume parts were there. And there would always be multiple things missing) Anywho, the experience was amazing and I absolutely was in love with the cast and crew. It helped me start to get my passion back for theatre, as I had been depressed about not being involved in anything or making any good theatre friends. I wouldn’t have given up the experience for anything.
Heartbreaks
Ok, so lets just say tons of drama ensued throughout Spring Semester. Too much to talk about and most of it, I’ve blocked out, or just forgot about purposely. But there were quite a few major ones. One of the biggest, and probably hardest and saddest experience I’ve had to deal with yet was about one of my friends I had made up here let’s say, accidentally got pregnant. She didn’t have many people to go to, and I was the person that had to deal with it the most. I had got a hunch from different things I noticed throughout the days and finally she got tested and proved positive. Now, I have very strong beliefs about the baby being human from conception as the Word says. I’m extremely Pro-Life. She was Pro-life as well, but wasn’t a Christian, and didn’t believe that it was life at conception.
I told her everything I knew about it, and looked up Christian websites and even Secular, yet Pro-Life websites that said how far the child was formed at that length of time. I tried to make her decided to keep the baby, despite the consequences that would follow and the terrible hardship she would have to deal with, encouraging her that if she really did not want the baby, there were plenty of good parents she could give it up to. And when someone doesn’t believe in God and our Lord Jesus, what you’d say normally won’t have the same weight. After all was said, she was still leaning on going about other means but wanted to get more info about it before she made any final decisions.
She was so scared and upset to go to the clinic by herself, and she knew that I was strongly against it, but she asked me to go with her. I was distraught. I knew she was at a desperate time in her life, and needed someone, as she was pretty much on her own at this point. So, in friendship, and it hopes that I could still convince her that what the clinic was not the only option. I sat with her as they showed her the “informational” video about the procedure. I had, and still have to, hold back tears during it. The made it sound like such a simple careless thing. I was devastated.
She wanted to think about it a few days before she finally decided. I wrote her a long letter pleading with her to choose life and give the baby up for adoption. But the hardship between having to stop school for a period, and tell her parents which she didn’t know if they would accept her, brought her to the decision to take the procedure. Even up to the day, I told her she still didn’t have to. She knew how much it bothered me, and she pleaded that I wouldn’t hate her. It wasn’t an easy thing for her, I held her and we cried many times. I’m holding back tears now.
After that, things got worse. Her boyfriend broke up with her soon after and meanwhile was already seeing his ex. My poor friend was breaking down slowly and my soul was beaten over and over. I hate it when friends of mine are in pain. It hurts me just as much. It still hurts…. Later on, more crap happened. My other friends Grandmother died, and I discovered how hard it was to comfort those who don’t believe in the same thing as you. You can’t tell them that you will see them in heaven. And if they absolutely don’t believe in God, it’s hard to tell them that God will take care of them. My life was spinning. God what could I have said! Over these things, I still pain over to this day and continue to face situations. What do I say? Why don’t I say more about what I believe? I love them so much, but they don’t want to be preached to. They know what I believe; they see my life and the difference it makes on the most part. But am I a strong enough witness?
After that, there were many other drama’s to deal with. From other friends having love and relationship problems. I had to hold so many crying girls in just a few weeks. Then there was the guy friends who were going through rough times, being melodramatic about loosing their friends, being homesick, etc.
Where you going to live??
MMmmm, another lovely situation. I had talked about living with one of my good friends, but it was only ideas, I hadn’t agreed or tried to make it absolutely sound like I was going to be living with them. All in all, it turned out later that one of the other girls going to live with her I would absolutely not be able to live with. We all have those friends, that yeah, you’re friends with them, but you would kill each other if you lived with them…or just be driven insane. Along with that notion, at the fact that this girl was often very disrespectful and wasn’t very kind, and sometimes deceiving, was another reason I couldn’t just knowingly put myself into that living situation. So fortunately, Haley ended up deciding to live off campus as well, so she, Lauren, Kassie (who I did not know then, but who I now absolutely adore) and I all signed a lease together. This was a good thing, but I off course made the left party very angry. I felt really upset b/c it was going back and forth between everyone and all these complications until it came down to the final decision time. And I felt horrible, b/c either way I would choose I would have been leaving good friends hanging. But I had to pick what was best for me for once.
Finally Spring Semester Ends
Not all of the year was bad. Once I got home I began to I start to work. I started off with one job at Worth Repeating, and made fantastic deals on clothes. Then I picked up babysitting the owner’s kids frequently. The next month I picked up cleaning my father’s office again. And then Margie asked me to housesit/baby-sit her children for a week while they went on vacation. I basically became a Nanny for them. Then I pick up another job at Moss which paid extremely well but definitely cut my work out for me. So all and all I was in the money and I didn’t have to come home and study so I was extremely happy with that. I also did 2 other house sitting jobs. One of which was to house-sit and watch their nasty and I mean NASTY dogs…basically I had to clean up all their “accidents” that had me gagging….which is a funny way to bring up the best thing about 2005…Kenny. Kenny helped me clean up the nastiness and made sure I was safe when I’d get to the unfamiliar house at night.
Kenny
Ok…I’m going to use part of Kenny’s blog about how we met b/c I don’t feel like writing all that out. But then I’ll go on.
Alright everyone asks me how Rachel and I met and stuff and its such a long story that i thought i would just write a blog on it so i could just point you to my myspace if you really want to know lol. I have had to tell the whole thing many times now if you cant tell.
Ok, well we met in fifth grade when I went to Westminster Academy for one year when my mom tought there. I never really talked to her when i was there because I was some what of a shy kid but I had a little crush on her. But anyway as weird as this may sound everyone remembered me at that school not because I was athletic, not because i was funny or anything like that. They all literally remember me because I was the first kid with arm pitt hair..... I know I wont say anymore about that.
Anyway so nothing really happens there but a few years later I go to a Christian Camp for a week with First Baptist Ft. Lauderdale. When I'm there Rachel recognizes me. She reminds me of how I went to 5th grade with her at WA and then we hit it off pretty well that week. During the time i was there she was talking to this guy so she didn't want to make him feel bad so after camp we kinda just lost touch. Even though we hung out alot at camp and she somewhat liked me and I was into her it just didn't work out.
So then a year later I am at this Christian concert called Rock the Universe. And there are literally a ton of people at this thing, i saw alot of people there that i knew from my old Church (University Baptist Church). But wouldn't you know I ran into Rachel. And man i dont know what it was about her but i really liked her almost instantly that night. We hung out the entire night and watched the bands and went on the rides it was alot of fun......... she probably wouldn't want me to tell this and normally i wouldn't but whatever. This is kinda sappy and you know like somewhat romanticish but we were standing on the right side of the stage and she couldn't see. So she got up onto this bench with three other girls who crammed onto it to see the band. She was watching when i think someone bumped her and she fell right off. Some how instinctively i just threw my arms out and caught her. It was like something you would see in a movie literally. It was like for a moment time stopped. But then we both kinda freaked out and she ran away lol. Thats Rachel for you lol. Anyway so that night we got each others numbers again and we started talking on the phone when we got back to south florida.
KENNY THE JERK
So anyway we start talking on the phone like every night you know doing the talking on the phone getting to know each other. The only thing was she lived in Ft. Lauderdale and I was in Cooper City and I didnt really know how to get to where she lived. Anyway so i wanted to take her to Homecoming. I really did, but then she realized that she had a Christian Seminar/Concert thing to be at that she already planned on being at. But then i was like forget it i would like to go with her to that instead. So i told her I would go.....
(But this is where Amnesia sets in...... meaning i literally cant remember what happened at this piont. Seriously its like a blank spot in my memory, its frustrating for me and her because I cant remember what happens here but she remembers.)
So back to the story the event wasn't for another two weeks. So i told her that i would take her to this event and then from there i would take her out to dinner.
Now to give you a little background on Rachel, she had never really been into a guy and she was really starting to like me (I didnt know this and I dont really remember alot of this but i remember some things of what she reminded me of) so she was really excited about us going out.
Well when we talked on the phone we made the plan and i said i was going to be busy these next two weeks but i know myself i didnt mean that i was going to be too busy to talk just that i would be busy. And then i said ill call you later bye. Just anyone would at the end of a convo. So well two weeks go by and i never called her. So she figured i would know how to get there. Well she went and i never showed up. She called me and i was like "oh i couldnt make it" and that was it. I didnt talk to her for a year. And she literally hated guys for that year. She was so mad at me. But i had no idea. I went through alot of changes during that time.
Anyway so Junior year comes around and i go back to the same concert cause its an annual thing. So i go back there and im like oh i should call Rachel. Since i had no recollection (spelling) of what happened i just thought we fizzled out or something. I know im retarded. Well i accidentally called her house instead of her cell so i left a message. And she was actually at Rock the Universe that year too we just didnt see each other.
So she gets back from Rock the Universe and gets the message with two of her friends there that know how much she hates me. And there all ranting about "oh why is he calling me!! I hate him why is he calling me and acting like nothing happened!!" Well being the nice girl she is she called me back but we played phone tag for awhile and never really got back to each other.... not that she wanted to talk to me anyway. So another year goes by and I see one of her best friends Billie Duncan (shes a girl, everyone always thinks the name Billie is for a guy) so im like woh long time no see how you doing. And so on. So im tellin her about how i want to start an FCA at school (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) and stuff and Billie says "oh you should call Rachel" But then she realizes what she just said. She was one of the girls that was there when Rachel got my message she knows how much Rachel didnt like me. So Billie gives me her number and then i didnt know this part until later but Billie instantly calls Rachel saying "Im so sorry, Im so so sorry." Rachel of course has no idea its been almost two years since we have really talked. And billie told her what happened and Rachel goes off "why billie why why did you do that?!"
So i call her and she is actually really nice to me i had no idea that she hated me for awhile. But then she realized that i didnt remember so she decides whatever ill just help him out with some information. So i get Rachels Screen name and we kept in touch that way for awhile. I went through a bad stage where i was doing some really stupid stuff. Alot of stuff that i wish i could take back. But basically i saw Rachel as a friend at that piont. Whenever anyone asked me who she was or who i was talking to on the net i would be like oh this real nice girl Rachel. And i would be like yeah shes the perfect girl you would want to date and stuff. But i just never saw it happening especially since she was in Tallahassee and i was in Orlando. But she did give me advice about how i should get back into church and stuff. But it just bounced off.
So anyway making a long story a little shorter I go back home to Hollywood/Cooper City and turn my life around. I was sold out to God. It revolutionized my way of thinking. And we didnt talk for like 2 months but when we finally did i couldnt wait to tell her about it. About how she was right and i was glad i got back into Church and how much i was learning. And she saw the difference. So we kept talking but i didnt think since i was going through this whole turn around that i would have a girlfriend for awhile. In fact i said i wouldnt date for atleast 2 years. But then she told me she was coming down for the summer.............
And then i realized hmmmm i like this girl. She can talk, shes fun, great personality, and as you can see by my pics shes beautiful (even if she thinks shes not).
I thought Hmmm i should take her out when shes down here. And she told me she wanted to hangout. So i took her out on our first date to Calvary Chapel Ft. Lauderdale and then to Chili's. That night was all i needed. Her smile killed me, i was won over right there. So then the rest of the summer we hung out and I became her first kiss. Wow it was an amazing feeling to know she thought i was worth being the first kiss......
Alright all, i will stop. I know it got kinda mushy in there sometimes but whatever I dont care anymore.
Ok, so that’s gives you the scoop in Kenny version basically. But yeah, I was very hesitant about him. I never was even thinking it was going to turn out the way it did, but that’s how it worked. We’ve been dating 7 months now. And yeah, he was my first kiss, my first real boyfriend. So it was a big change. And it was hard, and still is hard for me to adjust. Especially since it is a long distance relationship, which is part of the reason that after we started seeing each other (before we became official) I really wasn’t sure if I wanted to start something when I would be leaving so soon.
The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
It wasn’t until I moved up here that problems started up with the relationship, but just not the problems you’d expect. Basically what it comes down to, is that the whole parent thing. I am the first to have a real boyfriend/relationship and I’m the baby of the family. So I guess once my dating relationship wasn’t supervised, my family became worried since they weren’t here when he’d come up to visit. I’m not getting into everything b/c its long and winded and now things are working out and this Christmas (the drama literally lasted the complete semester up to after I left)
Strange as it is, Kenny sat down with my mom and they talked things over so things are better now. There was just too much miscommunication, but that’s happens when everyone is so far away from each other. Either way, the whole situation put a lot of stress on me and it often made me quite depressed, especially during the end parts before things got better. Kenny and I have grown a lot and worked on all the struggles and trials we had to deal with, but we’ve made it through, all though shaken, but we are still happy and together.
The times he did get to come up were wonderful. My favorite was my 21st Bday weekend b/c he got to take me to the BCM semi-formal and then go out with me everywhere on my Birthday and he took me to a beautiful restaurant and bought me the most gorgeous white gold and diamond necklace that I constantly wear now. It’s the first really nice piece of jewelry I’ve ever owned. We have so many great memories together that I have to keep better track of. One day I’ll record them separately.
School of course, as usual, was a beast. Kept me extremely busy. But I ended up with all As for the first time in college. So it wasn’t too bad at all. This semester is looking tougher though. But many many good things happened this fall too.
Acting Debuts
I had my stage debut in theatre group known as the The Brink and their production of Carnal Whispers, which is a series of short plays. One of which I was in called “The Woodman and His Goblins” It was very weird. But played the innocent goblin, Leah. Yes, that’s right. A goblin, that looked like women. Go figure. Its one of those classic very “theatrical” pieces. Your typical small stage back yard drama stuff. But it was a wonderful and fun experience and all the plays turned out really good and I love George McConnell as a director.
Also, I was involved in 3 Film school productions, two of which were Grad films, and I had the Main Lead in 2 of them and the supporting role in another. The coke commercial that won finally hit theatres, so my little face popped up in theatres all over the U.S. Despite its small small part, I can still say that “I made it to the big screens” Hehe. So absolutely had a fabulous time in that and I really needed that to help reignite spirit and passion for acting. It had been so long since I had been involved that I was forgetting how much I loved it and giving up hope to ever be in anything.
Friends Changing
Back to the bad. So another hard things were that certain friends of mine, nearly all the good friends I had that used to share the same values as me, well, suddenly don’t. I only had a few left but I barely get to talk to or see them…or am no long able to, which I’ll get into later. But yeah, its been extremely heartbreaking b/c I guess I just had a silly dream of me and my friends who had held the same truths as me to stick together and be each other’s supports in a world that regarded them as stupid. It didn’t happen and I was devastated, not only b/c I felt totally alone in the world (besides Kenny of course, who is my best friend…but when you are dating them its just not the same time of friendship that you need) But I was heartbroken b/c I know that if they do ever return to their beliefs they will regret it all, and I’m worried of them falling further into the lifestyle just b/c it all seems “fun and new” to them.
I know it’s a typical thing for Christian teens to go buck wild once they enter the secular world and are no longer in their little shelter, but I guess I had just expected it to be different for the ones I loved and I just had this unrealistic vision of everyone staying strong and true and good and end up alright. I guess I just have to feel happy that all old values hadn’t been thrown out completely, and compared many others, some would say at least they are behaving. But I’m very sensitive about that sort of things, and I hate change for the bad and most definitely how it hurts God to see his children fall. Not to say I don’t. As I said earlier. I definitely need to grow stronger in my faith and I plan to this year by actually keeping up with my devotions. Time is a bloodsucking leach and is a death trap that I always seem to fall for. I can’t let my lack of time hinder my time with my Lord and Savior.
Forget Me Nots
Now here’s the part of been dreading to get to. But I need to write it out to help me get over it I guess. Writing therapy has always helped me a great deal. Names will be left out of this just for sake of face. Most know that I have always had more close guy friends that girls, But this about one of my closest guy friends in the world (And No, not my lovable Shane, he is my lil brother J ) Anyways he is like a brother in the aspect that we both shared and knew everything about each other and have helped each other through some of the greatest hardships we’ve had. We’ve been close friends since I was in 7th grade and He was one of the only friends that regularly kept up with me when I got to college and called and check up on me frequently. .
Well, anyways, at the beginning of this year he met the woman he is now engaged to. Things were still great with us after that. He continued to be there for me, especially through the all the drama that started during Spring Semester, and I thank God he was there for all that. And a few months later I was dating Kenny and of course, you don’t talk to your close friends as much when you’re working on relationship (especially once you start trying to do a long distance relationship) But I have always kept my promise to never blow of my friends and always stay close in touch with them. Don’t sell out your friends for romance, but realize that things do change. Its natural.
However, I never saw this landblast coming….
Leave your friendship at the beep…Beep.
It is seriously one of the hardest things ever had to deal with. But one day this fall semester, I hadn’t talked to him in a couple months I had been deadly busy, but I decided to give him a ring to see how life was going for him. I was in class when he had called back the next day to leave the most hurtful message I’ve ever received in my life.
He said that “now that he was engaged, that he wasn’t allowed to talk to girls anymore.” I listened, not knowing that close friends that who had grown up with the past few years and who had gone on family vacations with you and was basically your little sister, so yeah, equaling a “girl” had included me.
He then went on to say “So, if you ever want to ‘get information across to me’, tell my sister so she can reiterate it to me” Get information across? Have I suddenly become some company that you occasionally have to deal with and you want me to talk to your secretary? Apparently so, and I almost broke down in tears at that very moment, I didn’t b/c I don’t let myself cry. And I have buried it down deep inside of me as I always do with things I cant handle and don’t want to think about. I was too busy and stressed with all the other things going one to have it way me down. But anytime anyone mentioned his name or what not I got, and still get, extremely upset. I still haven’t dealt with it all.
But we haven’t talked since, or rather, we didn’t even talk then I guess. He just let me know that our friendship was over via voice mail. He wont even answer calls from my sister, who was also very close with him. Our families had been very close since 7th grade. And now this is where it is. He told our other good guy friend that he wasn’t talking to Liza and I anymore and didn’t come to his New Year’s party b/c Liza and I were going to be stopping by. When I found out that, I was even more hurt….I guess the friendship I cherished so much doesn’t mean that much to him as I thought it did, despite all struggles we had helped each through and hardships we had been through thick and thin. I don’t cry. I know one day I will break down with it. But I guess I’m still in shock and disbelief at this point, or hopes that he’ll come around…or at least tell me to my face that he won’t be talking to me anymore. Funny thing is, I’m still invited to the wedding. I don’t understand that either. If he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Why does he want me at his wedding? And I don’t want to miss the most important day of his life, but I will be up at school at that time because I’m taking summer classes. So i don’t know if I’ll even be able to… but how could I go? He’s one of my best friends who doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. I don’t know…I just don’t know what to think or do. I felt like I was stabbed in the heart.
Well, tons of other stuff happened this year….but I suddenly don’t feel like writing anymore.