(no subject)
so. andy has broken up with me. i'll now explain why, keep in mind this is edited from an MSN conversation with my brother.
matt and me were good friends, and because we never got to see each other as much as the others, we made the most of it every time. i hugged him lots, he gave me fags, we bought each other booze, and we just generally had a laugh. on friday night, me and my friend jess were at tom's house, and tom had gone to town to get drinks. me and jess were pissed and i was on msn with matt.
being pissed and with a mate.. well you can imagine, can't you? i said anything. i was joking in everything flirty i said, i types "haha"'s after each thing that was mean anything flirty. i imagine this is where it fell apart.
later on, andy and pete and tom came, and we had an ace night. it was fantastic.
on saturday there was meant to be a gig, but it was cancelled. andy's band was meant to be playing, but because he hasn't quit his paper round yet he couldn't go sleep at tom's because it'd take him about an hour to get back home and he had to be up for his job at 5:30/6ish.
so, i went to tom's house anyway, because tom is my best friend. pete was there and matt was there.
throughout the course of the evening, me and matt were being how we usually were. giggly, cuddly, going for a fag every few minutes.. now because no one had really seen me and matt together, they thought i was being overly flirty with him
andy's bandmate was about to ask me what i was doing, but decided not too because he thought he might've been making a big deal out of it. pete and tom thought the same.
there are only so many beds in tom's room. there's tom's bed which has a top bunk and a futon under it, and a camper bed that pete always sleeps on. i figured there'd be no harm in sleeping pn the futon with matt because yeah, he was a great friend.
tom stuck on a dvd and we talked for a bit, but when people started to quieten down i noticed matt was getting close
i didn't think too much of it to be honest
then when tom and pete were asleep [i left out that jon, andy's bandmate, had gone home by now, but i dont think that mattered much] he started touching me and unbuckling my belt
i stopped him a few times, i batted his hand away.. but it just got to the point where i was too exhausted and worried to do anything
yeah. so when he'd done with me, he took my hand and had it down his jeans
3 times
well, twice by hand.
anyway. the 3rd time, he pushed me down. he was really strong. i didn't want to, but i couldn't say anything. i was like paralyzed.
i was scared, so i just did it. pete had turned over and was awake, though. he saw matt straining his arm to push me down. but at the time pete thought i was going along with it.
after that.. god it was horrible. matt tugged down my jeans and tights [it was cold, so i wore tights under my jeans] and he started trying.. ugh. he had nothing on himself, either. i was so scared. i managed a "no" and he kept trying, saying stuff like "it's alright, if anything happens we can go toa chemist in the morning"
i shook my head a little. i had no energy to do anything.
i tugged my jeans back up in panic, and i went down to tom's kitchen and swilled my mouth out. i felt so horrible about andy.
anyway. in the morning, we all left. tom went to work, and me and matt and pete walked for a bit. it was so awkward.
pete went home, and me and matt waited for taxis. i felt like throwing up.
then at 1 i went to work, and tom came up to me. "you know" i says to him, and tom nodded. "it was forced" i said, because in a way, it was. or atleast that;s how i feel about it. tom alreayd knew about what happened to me when i was little, he understood.
after work, me and tom went to wetherspoons and discussed what happened. it turns out the gig was moved to sunday night, and pete was walking up to wetherspoons with his keyboard. when he got there, tom quickly pulled him away to a corner and told him i couldn't really do anything at all
he understood.
so we all went to keighley, to where the gig was. i waited downstairs, because tom said he'd go tell andy, because i was too scared
i sat and waited for ages. i wasn't paying much attention, so it was a nice surprise when jess appeared from the bar and sat next to me. i told her everything that happened, and she cuddled me. i told her about when i was 6, and what happened with matt. she fully understood, because matt had tried it on with ehr too, but she was able to tell him to fuck off.
so me and jess sat talking for a while, and tom finally came downstairs. he said andy was really angry. he'd gone for a walk with pete. that he had to put it to the back of his mind because if he even thought about it for a minute he'd not be able to play his gig.
so me and jess went to another pub, because i was too scared to see andy
yesterday i went insane. i cut myself and threw myself against walls and tried strangling myself.. i had to substitute something for a tourniquet because my cuts were so deep and they just wouldn't stop bleeding down my arm
i thought to myself that even though i hated myself, maybe andy wouldn't break up with me, and there was no reason to want to kill myself
at about 5pm, andy came online
he broke up with me. at 5:40 i had to go to work, and when i got there i told tom he broke up with me. me and tom hugged, tom was begging me not to kill myself
so i finished work, went home, jess sent me her conversation with andy, and tom spilled himself to me telling me how he'd not be able to cope if i died
and so i slept. i dreamt about andy. then i woke up, and in the night my arm had been bleeding again. i think it needs stitching.
and here i am. and all i want to do is die.
matt and me were good friends, and because we never got to see each other as much as the others, we made the most of it every time. i hugged him lots, he gave me fags, we bought each other booze, and we just generally had a laugh. on friday night, me and my friend jess were at tom's house, and tom had gone to town to get drinks. me and jess were pissed and i was on msn with matt.
being pissed and with a mate.. well you can imagine, can't you? i said anything. i was joking in everything flirty i said, i types "haha"'s after each thing that was mean anything flirty. i imagine this is where it fell apart.
later on, andy and pete and tom came, and we had an ace night. it was fantastic.
on saturday there was meant to be a gig, but it was cancelled. andy's band was meant to be playing, but because he hasn't quit his paper round yet he couldn't go sleep at tom's because it'd take him about an hour to get back home and he had to be up for his job at 5:30/6ish.
so, i went to tom's house anyway, because tom is my best friend. pete was there and matt was there.
throughout the course of the evening, me and matt were being how we usually were. giggly, cuddly, going for a fag every few minutes.. now because no one had really seen me and matt together, they thought i was being overly flirty with him
andy's bandmate was about to ask me what i was doing, but decided not too because he thought he might've been making a big deal out of it. pete and tom thought the same.
there are only so many beds in tom's room. there's tom's bed which has a top bunk and a futon under it, and a camper bed that pete always sleeps on. i figured there'd be no harm in sleeping pn the futon with matt because yeah, he was a great friend.
tom stuck on a dvd and we talked for a bit, but when people started to quieten down i noticed matt was getting close
i didn't think too much of it to be honest
then when tom and pete were asleep [i left out that jon, andy's bandmate, had gone home by now, but i dont think that mattered much] he started touching me and unbuckling my belt
i stopped him a few times, i batted his hand away.. but it just got to the point where i was too exhausted and worried to do anything
yeah. so when he'd done with me, he took my hand and had it down his jeans
3 times
well, twice by hand.
anyway. the 3rd time, he pushed me down. he was really strong. i didn't want to, but i couldn't say anything. i was like paralyzed.
i was scared, so i just did it. pete had turned over and was awake, though. he saw matt straining his arm to push me down. but at the time pete thought i was going along with it.
after that.. god it was horrible. matt tugged down my jeans and tights [it was cold, so i wore tights under my jeans] and he started trying.. ugh. he had nothing on himself, either. i was so scared. i managed a "no" and he kept trying, saying stuff like "it's alright, if anything happens we can go toa chemist in the morning"
i shook my head a little. i had no energy to do anything.
i tugged my jeans back up in panic, and i went down to tom's kitchen and swilled my mouth out. i felt so horrible about andy.
anyway. in the morning, we all left. tom went to work, and me and matt and pete walked for a bit. it was so awkward.
pete went home, and me and matt waited for taxis. i felt like throwing up.
then at 1 i went to work, and tom came up to me. "you know" i says to him, and tom nodded. "it was forced" i said, because in a way, it was. or atleast that;s how i feel about it. tom alreayd knew about what happened to me when i was little, he understood.
after work, me and tom went to wetherspoons and discussed what happened. it turns out the gig was moved to sunday night, and pete was walking up to wetherspoons with his keyboard. when he got there, tom quickly pulled him away to a corner and told him i couldn't really do anything at all
he understood.
so we all went to keighley, to where the gig was. i waited downstairs, because tom said he'd go tell andy, because i was too scared
i sat and waited for ages. i wasn't paying much attention, so it was a nice surprise when jess appeared from the bar and sat next to me. i told her everything that happened, and she cuddled me. i told her about when i was 6, and what happened with matt. she fully understood, because matt had tried it on with ehr too, but she was able to tell him to fuck off.
so me and jess sat talking for a while, and tom finally came downstairs. he said andy was really angry. he'd gone for a walk with pete. that he had to put it to the back of his mind because if he even thought about it for a minute he'd not be able to play his gig.
so me and jess went to another pub, because i was too scared to see andy
yesterday i went insane. i cut myself and threw myself against walls and tried strangling myself.. i had to substitute something for a tourniquet because my cuts were so deep and they just wouldn't stop bleeding down my arm
i thought to myself that even though i hated myself, maybe andy wouldn't break up with me, and there was no reason to want to kill myself
at about 5pm, andy came online
he broke up with me. at 5:40 i had to go to work, and when i got there i told tom he broke up with me. me and tom hugged, tom was begging me not to kill myself
so i finished work, went home, jess sent me her conversation with andy, and tom spilled himself to me telling me how he'd not be able to cope if i died
and so i slept. i dreamt about andy. then i woke up, and in the night my arm had been bleeding again. i think it needs stitching.
and here i am. and all i want to do is die.