(no subject)
I need to be in bed right now, but a quick jot for later:
Ellen called when I was feeling kinda low, so that was much appreciated. I always seem to feel better after she calls. We had a talk about how we can't accept people liking us or especially loving us because we don't love ourselves all that much-- specifically how we try to classify ourselves and say "well, people will like me because i'm funny" and then get discouraged when we see someone funnier. But the truth is... people do like us, and it's not because we're funny or smart or pretty or nice or even a combination of those. It's just because we are who we are.
Ellen told me: "You're great." And she meant just because I'm Stacey, not any particular reason. I always want reasons, damn it-- I want something I can improve upon, something I can work at, to make myself likeable and perfect. If she'd even given me a list of things she liked about me, I could have forced myself to focus on and work on those...but I see now that's not right. This is a problem of mine with God too-- I want to work, to be better, to be like God by force of will and i JUST CANT DO IT. But that's not the way it's supposed to be either. If we could be perfect without God's help he wouldn't have sent Jesus. It's hardest to accept that love will just be given to me not because of any effort of mine. I feel like I don't deserve it, whether from God or from my friends/family/boss/whoever.
I feel like I've been comparing myself to everyone since I've got back, saying she is smarter, and she is prettier, and he is more passionate, but there are so many pieces to me that make up Stacey... a Stacey who is likeable not as the sum of her parts but something more. I feel like somehow it's a leap of faith to believe it. But I do know that for some reason or another there are many people out there who I like and respect who genuinely appear to want to spend time with me, so there's got to be something. That makes me feel excellent, actually, that whole idea of being liked not because of my individual things I do but because of the whole package. It makes me feel excellent instead of worried because I won't know how to keep them loving me. I can't explain why it makes me feel so good. Maybe it's because before I never thought I was likeable, so I had to perform to people so that they would think I was likeable, so that I could essentially fool them into liking me. But maybe I don't need to fool people after all...maybe I, without any work, basic and essential Stacey, am likeable and loveable. It sounds silly to write it like that, but somehow I feel like it's the most novel idea I've had in a long time.
My friend Christina tells me how much she loves me everytime we talk. She's so amazing, I don't udnerstand how I even matter to her at all, especially because we hardly every hang out I feel like. I feel like saying to her, everytime she tells me how much she loves me-- "Why?! I don't deserve that." I think that one with God, too. But I get it now. Love is never deserved. You don't love someone because they deserve it. Love is a gift. And one philosophy I've always had is: if someone chooses to give you a gift, you accept it. I'm gonna have to work to live up to my own philosophy on this one.
Ellen called when I was feeling kinda low, so that was much appreciated. I always seem to feel better after she calls. We had a talk about how we can't accept people liking us or especially loving us because we don't love ourselves all that much-- specifically how we try to classify ourselves and say "well, people will like me because i'm funny" and then get discouraged when we see someone funnier. But the truth is... people do like us, and it's not because we're funny or smart or pretty or nice or even a combination of those. It's just because we are who we are.
Ellen told me: "You're great." And she meant just because I'm Stacey, not any particular reason. I always want reasons, damn it-- I want something I can improve upon, something I can work at, to make myself likeable and perfect. If she'd even given me a list of things she liked about me, I could have forced myself to focus on and work on those...but I see now that's not right. This is a problem of mine with God too-- I want to work, to be better, to be like God by force of will and i JUST CANT DO IT. But that's not the way it's supposed to be either. If we could be perfect without God's help he wouldn't have sent Jesus. It's hardest to accept that love will just be given to me not because of any effort of mine. I feel like I don't deserve it, whether from God or from my friends/family/boss/whoever.
I feel like I've been comparing myself to everyone since I've got back, saying she is smarter, and she is prettier, and he is more passionate, but there are so many pieces to me that make up Stacey... a Stacey who is likeable not as the sum of her parts but something more. I feel like somehow it's a leap of faith to believe it. But I do know that for some reason or another there are many people out there who I like and respect who genuinely appear to want to spend time with me, so there's got to be something. That makes me feel excellent, actually, that whole idea of being liked not because of my individual things I do but because of the whole package. It makes me feel excellent instead of worried because I won't know how to keep them loving me. I can't explain why it makes me feel so good. Maybe it's because before I never thought I was likeable, so I had to perform to people so that they would think I was likeable, so that I could essentially fool them into liking me. But maybe I don't need to fool people after all...maybe I, without any work, basic and essential Stacey, am likeable and loveable. It sounds silly to write it like that, but somehow I feel like it's the most novel idea I've had in a long time.
My friend Christina tells me how much she loves me everytime we talk. She's so amazing, I don't udnerstand how I even matter to her at all, especially because we hardly every hang out I feel like. I feel like saying to her, everytime she tells me how much she loves me-- "Why?! I don't deserve that." I think that one with God, too. But I get it now. Love is never deserved. You don't love someone because they deserve it. Love is a gift. And one philosophy I've always had is: if someone chooses to give you a gift, you accept it. I'm gonna have to work to live up to my own philosophy on this one.