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[starvingthin]

March 05; She is beauty

Perfection in itself
Her skin glows white
And her eyes sparkle as if filled with tears
Her naked body
Slight and frail
Framed by cascading hair
Dark as shadows
Pink lips
Sing a mournful song
Sharp bones
Lend a fragile air
Purple nails
Delicately painted without polish
Beauty
Tinted blue
And she smiles
She smiles
For she is beautiful
A goddess
She is cold
And she is delicate
And light as a feather
She smiles

Again - March
round and round
and down again
i write these words
draw blood
again
acid wash
my throat
again
caffeine hit
no sleep
again
whats the point?
why this?
why pain?
i dont know why
know what i gain
torture torture
all around
in paradise
myself i've found

Promise - February

There’s nothing wrong
I promise
My arms are bare
The skin is fair
And I promise
My knuckles are fine
No bruised hands
Or bones
Or mind
I promise
My smile is real
I’m not screaming
Inside
That’s not how I feel
All those pills
Long disposed
I’m not making excuses
For slightly loose clothes
I truly promise
I eat every meal
Feel healthy and happy
Living in my skin
Nothing but ideal
I promise
I promise
But she doesn’t
(she’s lying)
Making reasons for you to look at me
She’s just being silly
(another lettuce leaf?)
I promise
I promise it’s real
But I always lie
So can you really believe?

Feb '04
OK
glass windows / shattered dreams
deaf listeners / silent screams
cut up body / bleeding heart
random slicing / deadly art
ugly body / lovely scars
chaos earth / grounded stars
reality bites / imaginary world
crying mind / smiling girl
burning soul / numbing pain
pointless triumph / worthless gain
biting comments / soothing words
helpless cries / never heard
gone tomorrow / here today
suicidal / not ok

Oblivion (15-4)
Oblivion is here
In my palm … can't you see?
My doom
My salvation
My future and my end
Does my pain not excite you?
Not give you reason to cry?
Kiss me, my tender tears
Taste how I ache for what I know not of
Feel my trembling body
Or my trembling soul
Try piece it back together
In futile vanity
You are so beautiful
But beauty is but music
To be carried away on
The infinite wind
Do you call me? For help or hindrance
I am blinded by my own wrath
And cannot see what you offer
So give to me what you can
And I shall take it all
And discard myself in hope of a solution
Sever me from reality
And I shall become real
Sever me from oblivion
And never shall I heal

April 04

Beauty
Beauty is a stormy sea
A withered leaf
A leafless tree
A newborn lamb
A silent grave
A full moon's smile
A wild chase
A dew dropped cobweb
A lion's glare
The setting sun
A baby's stare
But beauty, I know
Isn't me
For I have my own
Nature unseen;
A bleeding wrist, a tear so shed
A soul confused, a body bled
A screaming mind, a haunted soul
Wallowed pain, blessed sorrow
For any beauty I see within
I know must die, for 'tis my sin

Enemy/Friend
Stop yelling!
Stop screaming hate
You're not real, I know
So why can I hear you? You grate
On my mind
So painful inside
Confronting, conflicting, addicting. This time
I'll not listen, not scream
Just curl up and dream
Make sure you're not there
So I've nothing to fear
But I cry without you
Alone and bereft
Of the one who deserts me
The only one I've got left
Your childish remarks
I brush away. But they hurt
Me and you know so go on
Say you weren't
Really serious, but you're my mind
So I know
It's what you mean
What I mean; my sorrow
Tearing me slowly
Piece by piece. I am disappearing
Why don't you cut me, it's quicker
And I'm numb to all feeling
There is no solution
To this there is no end
So please stay close
My mind
My only enemy
And friend

June 04
Hate me, stay
Let me slash my fucking wrists
Come my dear
Offer a kiss
Drag my body through the mud
Show me pain
Show me love
Suffocate me with raw hate
See how much
Before I break
Dangle me over the bridge
Pretend to help
Then let me slip
Bury me alive and see
How long before I cease to scream
But please don't leave me
Alone and lost
Don't ignore my cries
Make me see the cost
Of self inflicted pain and hate
Of pointless, failed self test
Of all the loss that leads me to
My own self-righteous death

Rain (9-6)
Cry your beautiful tears from the sky above
Your silent mourning
Into morning
Through the night
Keep me alive
For my eyes see only the death
I wish to die
I'm holding on as best I can
But my best is never good enough
As the full moon's silver rays pour upon me
Through you
I do not wish to wake to light
For all delight
In happiness has ceased
Clarity
Has creased
And I have nowhere to go
But the folds
Of your infinite arms
So deadly in the black of midnight
For I know not what
I should do
Save not exist

Dreaming (14-6)
The beautiful rain falls
Black skies
Thunder
Rolls off my tongue
Wild winds
Tousle the trees
Fog
Pervades every crevice of existence
Blurring reality
Fantasy
Silver linings are replaced
Mahogany reds instead
Deep violets mark the horizon
Harsh grey
Surrounds
The stark white moon
The only source of light
Midnight blue
Dusts the ground around
Shimmering
With broken razors
Sparkling
With my tears
Of blood
Unreal
My eyes are closed
Yet I still see
Indigo veins
So bright beneath my glowing skin
Beckoning me
Falsely
Drawing me in
The rain pounds upon my thin skin
I frown
For here I drown
In my own misery
Yet I smile
My own demise
Before my eyes
Merely amusement
Melancholy racks my tortured body
In blue-black tones
Red hues
Outline my sins
Upon my skin
My eyes flicker
Open
My roof above
Along my wrist
A single thread
Of blood
Barely out
For my dreams take me where I fear to go
But now
Slash
Fuck fear
My end is near
And from my hacked wrist
My bloody imaginings do flow

Isolated
I sit here
Alone
And there's nothing you can do
I feel deserted
Even more now I'm right
Now these fears have come true
No trembling
No voices
Just cold hard logic
I know that I'm crying
But the tears just aren't coming
Nothing matters
At all
But I can't die
Although
So often
I have tried
Who really matters
Except who's here inside?
The person; not me
My personified mind

July 04
Hate myself
I hate myself
More than you could ever know
Ever understand
I hate myself
So much that I hurt myself
Starve myself
Make myself sick
Beat
Hit
Cut myself
Because it hurts so much more
Than you could ever know
I hate myself
Every time I think
I hate myself
With every breath I take
I hate myself
As I lie awake
Savouring the pain
I inflict
And you will never understand
That I hate myself
More than anybody else
Worse than anybody could
And don't you realise
As it has been said
That suicide
Is the most sincere form
Of self-criticism?

Wrong
Despise
Everything about me
Everything I can see
With every aching
Bleeding
Part of me
Disgust
Rattles my brain
Degrades me
Hates me
Sick with myself
So abused
By myself
It's disgusting
Distrusting
All around me
Nothing is welcome
Except pain
I look out
At the rain
So beautiful
Unlike me
Unlike all else I see
Pretend it's my tears
Like the tears
In my skin
Broken mirror
So evil
To show me the truth
Which I must ruin

Imagine (21-7)
Why?
Why am I hear
In this dreary reality
which you all call home
but means nothing to me
why do I smile
when everything is wrong
and cry
when i'm angry?
why is my anger self inflicted
yet nobody will leave me alone?
and everything I touch turns to stone
every thought
every new idea
crumbles as i reach for it
and this cascade of life
fallen from it's purpose
has become my day
why can none but those who suffer
understand
yet they are the only ones
to claim not to?
everything is empty
but
why does everything seem so full
overflowing
or is it all just
a mirage?

Frankenstein (21-7)
tear my body
piece from piece
see within
a bleeding peace
I bless my arms
and show my veins
though the drops of blood
fall but in vain
my security
is in my self
in helping me
not help myself
put me back
together
and again pull me apart
I'm just another mortal soul
with no immortal heart
sew me up
and throw me out
pretend I'm all okay
let's all act
I'm better now
so you can go and play
but though I'm not so fragile
that your seams will rip and tear
I am alive and breathing
and believe me, I do care
that you can treat me like this
like i'm a worthless child
and you wonder why I draw within
and long to run and hide
I lay upon this cutting board
although I perform the act
so don't be surprised
if as you turn
I stab you in the back

Love my death (27-7)
You say my smile is beautiful
But would you say the same
If it meant I wanted to cry?
You tell me my eyes are beautful
But if you knew how many times they'd cried
Would they still look the same?
You think my hands are creative
But could you say the same
If you knew the evils they had inflicted?
You whisper my lips are heaven
But would they taste the same
As they screamed to the world for pain?
You say my breath is precious
Would you realise that value
If you'd felt them gasping for air beneath the water?
Your fingers trace my neck
But would they be so inquisitive
If they knew how they reminded me of a noose?
Your fingers tickle my belly
But would they be so friendly
If they could hear the raging starvation within?
You hold my wrists gently
But would you be harder
If you could feel the failed scars beneath the surface?
You listen to me speak
And take in every part of me
But would you be so focused
If you could hear my mind screaming
That it only wanted
Suicide

What Lies Beneath (27-7)
Silent
Beneath the surface
No ripple
A trickle
Of ice cold water
Runs over the side
She sinks
To the bottom
Her pale body
Frozen
In time
Things will change
You'll feel okay
You'll feel so much better
Than dead
Lifeless
Matted hair
Tangled in knots
Like the noose around her neck
Feet off the ground
Never had a sense of reality
Because she was lost
In her own world
Her own hell
Torturous
So painful
Not like her wrists
Hacked
Like a branch
Not beautiful as she hoped
Her coat
Left beside the rocks
Blown off the cliff
After her
Following her fall
To the jagged rocks
Beneath
The surface of the water
Her eyes snap open
She gasps for air
She's alive after all
Not dead
As she imagines
But behind her glassy eyes
Lies
Her own perfect suicide

Heaven in a grain of sand(5-8)
a broken smile
cracked mirror
sharp
to cut her arm
too far to
stop
her pain
with pain again
cry a river
watch the rain
time goes backwards
inside out
within her head
but out
no clouds
no tears to see
run down her face
drip off her cheek
and hit the ground
bloody
weak
and starving alone
and hating herself
too self determined
to ask anyone's help
hidden from view
her own private life
tearing herself up
not only by knife
and ruining everything
too perfect to start
push everyone away
too close to her heart
hating the world
and everyone else
trying to die
for hell
was too nice