(no subject)
soo i havn't really updated in awhile..havn't felt like it. I swear my scales broken because no matter what time of day i get on it says 130..clothes on or off and i dunno its just not possible. So forget the scale or numbers. I'm just gonna keep restricting until I look how I want. Yesterday I woke up and was gonna workout earlier then usual beacuse I was doin summin with matt later so I just skipped breakfast, I was naseous*?*anyways. So went and worked out hard and then came and had a 100cal liquid protein drink for energy and plus liquid doesn't bloat me. So then took a shower had some green tea and relaxed. Later on went to the mall with matt which we havn't done in FORVER. And we went for 4 hours haha. Took him to victoria's secret as a treat lol it was so cute as his eyes lit up. We just kinda walked around and talked and made fun of stuff and had fun. I got some shirts at AE and a cd at hollister..haha a cd at hollister..there's a restauraunt called panda express and he loves it there so we ate there and I got this tiny mandarin bowl with rice and chicken and veggies..pretty good plus i did really well with eating slowly but not making it obvious because he keeps his eye on me, not like a parent but as someone who cares. He won't ask or say anything to me but I don't want him to worry. So I ate about half of it and didnt feel guilt cause I did well earlier and then I mean one time around the mall is 1.4 miles*it was on a sign haha*and we musta gone around who knows how many times in 4 hours so woohooo. His parents came and we did more shopping and then went back to his house but only for a little while since it was 9:30 and they were getting up early for myrtle beach. SO I went home at like 10:30. I was crying a lot I dunno why, I havn't seen him in two weeks then I see him and now he's gone for another like 9 days. They invited me to go with them..god thats my dream come true. To be with his family for a week to be happy and have fun and not be anxious or depressed or worried or paranoid but damnit NO. I'm so fucking tired of this. I am not a normal party going 16 year old. I don't go out I don't drink or smoke or have sex-after 2 years of dating. I do chores and sit at home and be a good kid but DAMNIT I'm not allowed to do anything. Its soo frustrating to see everyone else go out and be with eachother and have fun..I'm perfectly fine with matt being my real true friend..I hang out with other people..but matt is the one person I need and want and they always fucking take away that from me. They are always taking away my happiness. Even last night my mom would call just to make me feel guilty about being out. FUCK THEM. I will sit here all week and not talk beacuse they don't respect me or hear me out EVER. So I will sit here not eat and workout. I'll continue doing chores but only to burn cals and to distract myself. I'll be updating and stuff more I guess. So I would go buy a new scale but I can't afford it plus I can't just bring one home soo once I get my license*yes!like 3 weeks*then I can go out and buy pills and a scale and safe food. Can't wait! I can't help but cry because I wanted to go on that trip, not for sex or fooling around or to do anything bad. I just love his family and his mom is soo wonderufl. She's the only girl in the family so when I come over she's soo nice. She was like aww why can't you come with us, you'll be with the family the whole time. *they also have family friends coming*AND I'd be in my own bedroom..o well too late now* so yeah she said that they're gonna go on some day trips to go look at colleges*she's a guidance counselor*so hopefully my mom'll let me go then. My mom is fucking rude enough to mention that I'll be 17 next year and that his family might be going to hawaii*expecting them to invite me*..I dont care where I am I just want to be with them. Well I'v been working out everyday and it's coming slowly but it's paying off with all the toning and pilates. Plus it helps keep me happy soo best wishes everyone.