(no subject)
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK..I binged last night..after doing so well for so long. Sure I gained a lil but atleast it was muscle and from normal eating. Shit I havn't binged in weeks or months. Thats it. I'm not eating breakfast because it gives my body permission to eat more. I'm not eating anything, at all so I can stop while I'm ahead. If I have just one lil thing like last night a salad it leads to bites of things and then to bunches of things. ARGH! So I am fasting for as long as possible and when I break it it will be because I have no choice and then I will start right back up again. I will continuing working out everyday and doing pilates moves whenever possible. I will clean and do as many chores possible because it burns cals and makes my mom happy and makes me look good to her. Thats the plan and Im fucking sticking to it. I'm so tired of this..Its like I have one bite and lose all control. The only thing I can eat without binging and will be my safe food incase I have to eat is applesauce. my sister has them but my mom bought the regular kind too. 50 cals each and its fruit so I figure its better than nothing. I must stay away from food. I know I can hold myself back, its just that first bite that I have to prevent. I can feel the thin now. I have more muscles in my arms and legs and stomach. And I don't mind muscle as long as its tone muscle and doesn't make me bulky. Toned arms are wonderful and I'm working on getting rid of the ahtletic legs. As I lose weight and fat the muscles and bones will show and that'll be it. August 13th is the elite model search thing and I want it so bad. But if I don't make it or even go o well it's my goal for now and it gives me something to work for. Plus school starts the last week of august and If i can go back thinner than last year*I started school last year at 120*if I can be that or less I'd be delighted!!Best wishes go out to everyone..I'm going to do my best to stay distracted and be away from the kitchen. Anyone can IM me anytime just be sure you don't talk about anything ed related until I reply thanks!!But I'm always open for talking and looking for friends..I check my friends page regulary instead of going to everyones individual sites and communities so thats how I update...best wishes think thin and stay strong!!!!!