(no subject)
I cant sleep at night without dreaming of things. Things good or bad but in all reality they are nothing. But i wake in the morning just fearing the day. I would love to keep an optimistic view on things but i find that harder as the days go by. Pessimism is a dear friend of mine. He understand things that optimism can't. He understand lonelyness and heartache. He knows how it is to feel lost in this world and he does indeed know the cup IS only half full. I would love for these good dreams to be true. To turn into reality . Those arms felt so nice once why cant they feel that nice again . They kind of feel like an acid now. One that when you touch me, corrodes my skin on contact.
I take hot showers too. To the point where they are almost scalding because i thik it can wash off that feeling, the film you left behind. You know that one around my heart? The one where every part of you touched me. The places where your kiss lingers like on my lips i have literaly bit away all the skin. I feel so dirty for some reason and these scalding showers arent working. I cant eat either. It makes me sick . To the point where i want to throw everything up. i cant look at my bed because i just remind me of sleeping in your arms the sex we had. I look there and i can see you sleeping and the way i would watch you and kiss your forehead and you would slip your arms around me and pull me close to you .
If i believed in God i would think this is him testing me. HIm buolding up my world into this grand time only to be like HAHAHAHA, squishing this happiness i have built like he does EVERYTIME. I thinknow its utterly pointless to cry but i still do . I cant look at you the same. Well i do but then i remember oh yeah, i lost that a week ago . I lost you , i lost my bestfriend and im losing myself. I wish this was all this horrible nightmare so maybe i could stop grinding my teeth in my sleep. Maybe then i wouldnt have to wake up with tear stained checks and things would look optimistic again . BUt see that only hopeless desires. The rational side of me knows this is all happening again, this time it just hit me harder in a short amount of time. I just wish i understood.
Next time you hug me, please dont let go . And whisper in my ear how sorry you are, and you made a mistake. Take me back into your heart, your home... your arms. Kiss my forehead and nose like you used to . run your fingers over my back , tracing the outlines of my tattoos, and tell me " Its like a beautiful painting on your skin ". Say in your cute little joking way that you "love me" when i get upset and mean it. I know you love me as a friend but i just wanted a little more. Can you blame me? And just smile at me and look into my face with your eyes and let me know things will be ok and be how they were before.
i just want you back
I take hot showers too. To the point where they are almost scalding because i thik it can wash off that feeling, the film you left behind. You know that one around my heart? The one where every part of you touched me. The places where your kiss lingers like on my lips i have literaly bit away all the skin. I feel so dirty for some reason and these scalding showers arent working. I cant eat either. It makes me sick . To the point where i want to throw everything up. i cant look at my bed because i just remind me of sleeping in your arms the sex we had. I look there and i can see you sleeping and the way i would watch you and kiss your forehead and you would slip your arms around me and pull me close to you .
If i believed in God i would think this is him testing me. HIm buolding up my world into this grand time only to be like HAHAHAHA, squishing this happiness i have built like he does EVERYTIME. I thinknow its utterly pointless to cry but i still do . I cant look at you the same. Well i do but then i remember oh yeah, i lost that a week ago . I lost you , i lost my bestfriend and im losing myself. I wish this was all this horrible nightmare so maybe i could stop grinding my teeth in my sleep. Maybe then i wouldnt have to wake up with tear stained checks and things would look optimistic again . BUt see that only hopeless desires. The rational side of me knows this is all happening again, this time it just hit me harder in a short amount of time. I just wish i understood.
Next time you hug me, please dont let go . And whisper in my ear how sorry you are, and you made a mistake. Take me back into your heart, your home... your arms. Kiss my forehead and nose like you used to . run your fingers over my back , tracing the outlines of my tattoos, and tell me " Its like a beautiful painting on your skin ". Say in your cute little joking way that you "love me" when i get upset and mean it. I know you love me as a friend but i just wanted a little more. Can you blame me? And just smile at me and look into my face with your eyes and let me know things will be ok and be how they were before.
i just want you back