(no subject)
i just wanted to let everyone know... it's been a long long time... but i didn't get sick, or die, or crumble emotionally, or anything else. i'm actually at 120 lbs/5'8 and i've been that way for a while now. instead of weaing size zeros, i wear size fours. instead of getting worried looks from strangers, i get compliments from homeless men. close enough.
i still think like an anorexic, i still read labels, i still feel better about myself when i take the smallest portions etc etc etc. i will never in my life finish a box of cookies, it just cannot happen. i still work out a LOT, more than i did when i was trying to starve myself. it's my way of keeping myself in check. but i don't skip meals, much, i don't try to deprive myself to test my will, i have only thrown up (in that way) once in the past year, and sometimes i even use salad dressing. i still feel "loose", if that makes any sense, and when i catch a glance of myself in a mirror i'm often surprised at my body because i feel larger than i am. old habits die hard, i guess.
i've seen both sides of myself, the conscientious and the crazy, and i'm committed to staying sane. so this is the last update hopefully ever, but i just checked back on this old journal today and if anyone is still reading it i wanted to let you know that things are all ok.
all the best. xox.
i still think like an anorexic, i still read labels, i still feel better about myself when i take the smallest portions etc etc etc. i will never in my life finish a box of cookies, it just cannot happen. i still work out a LOT, more than i did when i was trying to starve myself. it's my way of keeping myself in check. but i don't skip meals, much, i don't try to deprive myself to test my will, i have only thrown up (in that way) once in the past year, and sometimes i even use salad dressing. i still feel "loose", if that makes any sense, and when i catch a glance of myself in a mirror i'm often surprised at my body because i feel larger than i am. old habits die hard, i guess.
i've seen both sides of myself, the conscientious and the crazy, and i'm committed to staying sane. so this is the last update hopefully ever, but i just checked back on this old journal today and if anyone is still reading it i wanted to let you know that things are all ok.
all the best. xox.