(no subject)
damned thing, cursed thing, out out damn spot. for years now, ive downplayed it in my own head, that perpetual mental illness convinced there was a studio audience listening in rapt attention to the voiceover ringing in my ears. the ugly truth is that it was important, crucially important, and my embarrassment to the extent both at the time and in retrospect are just further evidence. I didnt understand the significance just like I didnt understand why I had a panic attack after she kissed me for the first time. just like i never connected the dots between breaking things off with her and my slide to nihilistic villainy those ugly raw years in the city. getting so drunk I couldnt stay hard, petty assaults. I was sick with grief, unable to process the reasons like the autistic kicked puppy Ive always been. the existential terror of there being no further ambitions beyond the only goal of a life wasted by 24 a drunk detached kiss in a dive bar in the tourist part of town, considering it subconsciously an unobtainable goal. eyes bugging out as I stared at the spinning urinal, torrent of verbal vomit already forming in my throat. to alienation! a foundational idiocy, a carefully unconsidered impossibility. was that all? of course not you imbecile! I was fucking in love with her! real snot bubble love, ugly and embarrassing, cringing and sick with anxiety. why the fuck do you think all the regular love fucking bores you so much? That love was so real and pure and intense you ran away quite literally. saw the face of god and annihilated yourself with fear. theres no going back but theres also no replacing it or for that matter replicating it. to answer the long dogging question of how long is it going to hurt, fuck youre slower than I thought. It's been 13 years you waste! clod! mongoloid! its always going to fucking hurt! you'll wake up in a sweat seeing her smile or feeling her hair, fucking eternally! its never going to get better. people kill themselves every fucking day, what do you think theyr'e on about? do you think they've just patiently considered themselves rationally slightly less than you? Christ almighty, you've never known what you were doing until it was too late. much, much too late.