hilary pt. 2
I was wrong, maybe. I thought that was all from hilary until a girlfriend or two later, but on reconsideration there is at least one more time shortly after the first. it was spring, or early summer. I can't remember specifics, if we had dated some, or if it was strictly a hook up. we were in my bed, and she was going down on me. she had told me that she was a virgin, and I had quailed and determined to not be hers, or anyone else's first. too much pressure. too much psychic juju. I had hoped to simply wait it out, let some other fool be the first, the worst. and here she was, still untouched, still eye rollingly pure, sucking me with determination and a can-do attitude, if not much skill. she was going to make me shoot, but in a sudden furor I threw her off me, jumped out of bed and shot into an old discarded tshirt I'd grabbed off the floor. why? I have no idea. it may have been cold feet, to shield myself from her some how. not experience the intimacy of blowing it in a girls mouth, putting your awful essence inside her, for her to do with what she would. or to lord a seeming lack of orgasm over her for... some dim purpose. young men are strange. all men are strange, but the younger, the more likely inscrutable. either way my trick had worked, and she was confused as she didn't realize I'd finished. that's all else that I can remember of that period. we stayed in touch, but I don't remember any more interaction. she lost her virginity not that long after, but I think she dated him and wasn't immediately available. I started flirting with a girl I worked with at the movie theater, and it grew torrid after only a short while. at some point hilary bragged about being conquored by a black man several years older than even me, and an amalgam of protectiveness, jealousy, insecurity and general white superiority complex welled up in me and made me angry at her, demean her. the words were glancing, and she didn't much seem to care, but I was already distracted, and it was easy enough to write the whole thing off. she didn't come back into reckoning for at least a year, and more likely two.