< Review = "A Private Little War" Star Trek TOS >
So I watched this episode last night, and I have got to say. It's absolutely ridiculous. So I must write a review-ey thingy.
I watched it last night, so this is not detailed or anything XD
So first of all, I see the commercial. It's the clip where Spock's ridiculously not-Spock-looking stunt double gets shot and ragdolls it down a mountain YEAAHH!
*insert boom-ey descriptive voice here*
Episode starts off, we have Kirk, McCoy and Spock, our favorite threesome main characters exploring t3h planet. It looks so far like they're actually following the prime directive...strange. They all remark about how it's so Garden of Eden esque and everyone talks about how peaceful everyone is. ALL OF A SUDDEN Kirk is concerned! The primitive race has what Kirk calls "Flintlocks". I've never heard of flintlocks. Wtf are flintlocks?
THEN
They see fighting! Right after Kirk lied told them about the people being completely peaceful! THEN Kirk intervenes to save his old buddy from his PAST (which seems to have A LOT of stuff happening in it, for some-one so young). Yay for throwing the Prime Directive out the window! Or smashing it with the rock Kirk just threw at some dudes head. Spock's Stunt double now gets shot!
They quickly head back to the Enterprise, and Spock is placed face down on a medi--wait FACE DOWN, MASSAGE TIME...seriously wtf, can he breath with his face full of medical bed?--anyways, McCoy begins what looks like taking off Spocks shirt, and I get really excited, because I mean COME ON, so I stop paying attention in favour of yelling at McCOy to take Spocks shirt off, which almost happens, but doesn't...
COMMERCIAL BREAK
ACTION SUSPENSE
DRAMA
WHY DO THE PRIMITIVE RACE HAVE WEAPONS THEY SHOULDN'T?
WHY ARE THEY SO VIOLENT?
WILL SPOCK SURVIVE HIS INJURIES?
WILL THEY MAKE IT BACK TO THE ENTERPRISE?
*end commercial break*
Now we have Kirk talking to McCoy and some other doctor (Star Trek Dot Comm tells me his name is Dr. M'Benga and He's been on Vulcan before, conveniently enough) and Spock is going to die! Or not. WE NEVER KNOW
Kirk is biting his lip worriedly because he loves Spock in a homosexual way doesn't want to lose an officer. FACIAL EXPRESSIONS
Seriously, Kirk's facial expressions make my life worthwhile.
Kirk decides to go back down to the planet and figure out WHAT IS UP.
McCoy will join him
THE KLINGONS ARE COMING THE KLINGONS ARE COMING
Now Scotty is all concerned about the environment and stuff Klingons and says they must leave, so if Kirk goes down they won't be able to beam back OR have communications. This is pretty much a guarantee that as soon as they go down there something bad will happen. Yay for obvious foreshadowing!
Kirk And McCoy beam down to the planet in some VERY stylish clothing. We have kirk wearing an original, slightly yellowing cargo pants and a STYLIN' jacket, complete with a tie that doesn't quite do up enough to cover his chest, and a stylish arm band that accentuates those MUSCLES. While McCoy opts for the less SHMANCY option of a beige coloured pant with closed shirt. Very nice.
Kirk has managed to get most of his chest showing before the second commercial break. Congratulations.
They Barely have a chance to model their stylish clothing, when a Mugato wearing an enemy design, a stylish white plastic and fur bodysuit, comes to attack them.
Yes, this outfit is ridiculous, but it's alright, because white is in now.
Kirk and the Mugato fight, since McCoy has a tendency to wander off to leave the glory for Kirk and his open/ripped shirt. The Mugato proceeds to have a sexual encounter with Kirk. It looks like they both enjoy it. But AFTERWARDS. Kirk got bitten, guess he shouldn't have ventured into THAT relationship.
Kirk is now writhing about and having what looks to be like a seizure. I missed the majority of what he said to McCoy, because after I saw his twiching and then heard him go "Mc----COY.........
You..."
I burst into hysteric laughter and couldn't stop until the commercial break (which for maximum suspense was placed right after a nice shot of Kirk twitching and then grabbing his crotch...wtf?)
WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO KIRK?
THE MUGATO IS POISONOUS
WILL HE DIE?
MCCOY TRIED TO CONTACT THE ENTERPISE EVEN THOUGH SCOTTY PROMISED THEY WOULDN'T BE THERE TO HELP THEM
OUT WHEN THEY GOT HURT ANYWAYS!
*end commercial break*
We now learn that the villagers can get Tyree's wife Nona to heal Kirk, but first they must find her! Cut to scene of Nona, who is sporting a stylish lack of clothing. She is sporting some very stylish pleather pants, and a splendid matching bra with a beautiful fluffy decorative edging and a very useful AND stylish belt, with knife. At this point my mother went "OF COURSE" and I laughed yet again.
What is a good episode of Star Trek without a stylish outfit making use of the scrap fabric in the costume department?
Some random talking between Nona (isn't that the prefix for 9 in chemical nomenclature?) and Tyree, and we learn that Nona is horny, and uses drugs to make Tyree a sex crazed maniac who wants to rape her. My mother was not liking this. I was laughing.
Wonderful. Tyree seems to pull a kirby on her mouth, before some other guy comes up and asks to join in on the sexfest lets them know Kirk wants them.
Nona leaves to go to the cave where Kirk is snuggled nicely into his fur bed (not unlike his fur lovesack at home, Spock likes the feel of fur on his bum) And McCoy is wandering around heating up rocks with his phaser
HEAT
The Prime Directive barely exists anymore, just in case anyone is wondering.
Nona is INTRUIGED (or so star trek dot comm says; it looked like to me more like she was freaking out)
She then grabs some root thingy (looks like a poop that's wiggling...o.0) and starts the ceremony to 'heal' kirk. She gets Tyree to cut her, and then starts moaning and thrashing around like a singular orgie. AWKWARD TURTLE
Tyree beats his little drum like a retard, and McCOy looks on like a retard, and Nona has her little orgasm all over Kirk and almost passes out. Kirk is healed! McCoy checks Kirks wound out...by touching his chest in an oddly sexual way. But this whole episode is oddly sexual, so we can forgive it.
Nona is taken over to rest by Tyree, and McCoy tells Kirk to rest after he wakes up and we get to look more at his chest...
Nona gets to say something about Kirk having to obey her every command or something somewhere around here...not like this will set-up for the entire rest of the episode or something...
Is there a commercial break here? I forgot, oh well...
Back on the Enterprise! Chapel (although we don't see it's her at first, we know it's her) is holding Spocks hand! How cute! ^3^
Dr whatshisname comes in and goes on about how Vulcans put themselves into a trance (hippies) to heal their injuries, and that he can hear what they're saying and knows everything that has been going on around, including that Chapel was feeling him up. Chapel is crapping her pants that apparently both Dr whatshisname and Spock now know she was being creepy, but we don't care, because Dr whatshisname tells Chapel that now if Spock awakens and asks her to do something, she MUST DO IT
Chapel now spends hours thinking of what Spock will ask her to do. And surely we know what that is.
Kirk and McCoy are talking to Tyree and Nonagon and shtuff about when the weapons appeared (about a year ago) and Kirk definitely thinks its all Klingons, even though no-ones seen anything.
Kirk and McCoy go off sneakin' around like ninjas into the other camp and find *GASP* forged metal! These people couldn't make that! So They are now pretty much sure its a Klingon, and SPEAK OF THE DEVIL...a Klingon and a villager come in. The Klingon is of course a douchebag, and gives the dude a weapon and pulls some crap about the dude being able to become powerful in the Klingon empire...
Kirk and McCoy attack the Klingon and the dude, and for some reason McCoy disappears again to let Kirk enjoy his glory...
FLYING JUMPKICK
That was cool...
They steal a gun 'flintlock' and run off to go give it to the other village.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I WATCHED ANOTHER SHOW AND MISSED THE BEGINNING PART OF THIS SEGMENT
But star trek dot comm tells me...
Spock awakens and tells CHapel to slap him, of course she is aghast at having to do something so VIOLENT
She was of course expecting something violent in a different way ;D
And she slaps him, but AGHAST
For some reason Scotty has decided to pop in for some meds at around that time, and sees Chapel hitting Spock, has a spazzoid, and tries to get her away. She freaks out, and then Dr whatshisface runs in and says it's alright, and beigns to slap Spock as well! I came in right around that point, and it was funny. Dr whatshisface bitchslaps spock a couple times, and Spock is all "ZOMG" because apparently Dr whatshisface is strong and can hurt Spock who is three times stronger ANYWAYS cuz he's Vulcan. But that's okay, we can ignore continuity. And then Spock GRABS his hand, and tells him he's 'Quite alright'
Chapel is happy...I think...
ON THE PLANET
Kirk is teaching these formerly peaceful people how to fire guns! YEAH
This place could be an action-adventure movie in no time!
Kirk and McCOy have an argument about it (like all couples) because McCoy doesn't want to ruin the species ( I think he throws around the words Prime Directive, whatever they mean) but Kirk says that if they are both equal in weapons power then it will be better than one side massacreing the other, which makes sense, but isn't really like Kirk. McCoy is CONCERNED
Kirk goes to ask Nona if she'll get Tyree the pacifist to fight, because Kirk can't do it. And of course Nona uses the date rape drug to get Kirk all HORNEH
So he's all up in her space and AGHAST
Tyree walks up! And he's ANGRY
And conveniently enough he has the flintlock...
He aims at Nona, but HE CANNOT
HE CANNOT KILL *tear*
He run soff, and then another costu--I mean Mugato comes and ATTACKS
Nona screams in terror and is seemingly helpless, even though she's supposed to be strong AND has a knife, and she rolls around the ground all over the place with barely a touch from the Mugato. OH NOES
Kirk ogles at her sexiness for a little bit before growing some balls the drug wears off and he fights with the Mugato, eventually using his phaser to make it go *poof*! Nona is amazed! And phwacks kirk on the head (like most of the women in the series) with a rock...and STEALS HIS PHASER! : O
Nona runs off to the ENEMY and shows them the phaser and how they could defeat EVERYONE with it, but of course they don't believe her and start a dust wrestling tournament, and Nona of course can't figure out how the Phaser works and phails at life. A whole bunch of people Die, including Nona, and Tyree gets really angry and kills some-one, and then asks Kirk for more flintlocks. McCoy is all "She's Dead..." but he forgot the Jim...o.0
Spock contacts them and is all "yo sup I'm in the HOUSE'
and Kirks all "I'm so glad you're alive honey" and Spocks all "yeah whatever...you can show me how happy you are later"
Kirk tells scotty to manufacture a hundred flintlocks and Scotty's all "what" cuz El Capitan Kirko was not using Scottish, so Kirk repeats it in Scottish and then Scottie is like..."..aight?" and then Kirk is all *pose* *reminisce* "We are making serpents, for the Garden of Eden"
*end of episode*
I watched it last night, so this is not detailed or anything XD
So first of all, I see the commercial. It's the clip where Spock's ridiculously not-Spock-looking stunt double gets shot and ragdolls it down a mountain YEAAHH!
*insert boom-ey descriptive voice here*
Episode starts off, we have Kirk, McCoy and Spock, our favorite threesome main characters exploring t3h planet. It looks so far like they're actually following the prime directive...strange. They all remark about how it's so Garden of Eden esque and everyone talks about how peaceful everyone is. ALL OF A SUDDEN Kirk is concerned! The primitive race has what Kirk calls "Flintlocks". I've never heard of flintlocks. Wtf are flintlocks?
THEN
They see fighting! Right after Kirk lied told them about the people being completely peaceful! THEN Kirk intervenes to save his old buddy from his PAST (which seems to have A LOT of stuff happening in it, for some-one so young). Yay for throwing the Prime Directive out the window! Or smashing it with the rock Kirk just threw at some dudes head. Spock's Stunt double now gets shot!
They quickly head back to the Enterprise, and Spock is placed face down on a medi--wait FACE DOWN, MASSAGE TIME...seriously wtf, can he breath with his face full of medical bed?--anyways, McCoy begins what looks like taking off Spocks shirt, and I get really excited, because I mean COME ON, so I stop paying attention in favour of yelling at McCOy to take Spocks shirt off, which almost happens, but doesn't...
COMMERCIAL BREAK
ACTION SUSPENSE
DRAMA
WHY DO THE PRIMITIVE RACE HAVE WEAPONS THEY SHOULDN'T?
WHY ARE THEY SO VIOLENT?
WILL SPOCK SURVIVE HIS INJURIES?
WILL THEY MAKE IT BACK TO THE ENTERPRISE?
*end commercial break*
Now we have Kirk talking to McCoy and some other doctor (Star Trek Dot Comm tells me his name is Dr. M'Benga and He's been on Vulcan before, conveniently enough) and Spock is going to die! Or not. WE NEVER KNOW
Kirk is biting his lip worriedly because he loves Spock in a homosexual way doesn't want to lose an officer. FACIAL EXPRESSIONS
Seriously, Kirk's facial expressions make my life worthwhile.
Kirk decides to go back down to the planet and figure out WHAT IS UP.
McCoy will join him
THE KLINGONS ARE COMING THE KLINGONS ARE COMING
Now Scotty is all concerned about the environment and stuff Klingons and says they must leave, so if Kirk goes down they won't be able to beam back OR have communications. This is pretty much a guarantee that as soon as they go down there something bad will happen. Yay for obvious foreshadowing!
Kirk And McCoy beam down to the planet in some VERY stylish clothing. We have kirk wearing an original, slightly yellowing cargo pants and a STYLIN' jacket, complete with a tie that doesn't quite do up enough to cover his chest, and a stylish arm band that accentuates those MUSCLES. While McCoy opts for the less SHMANCY option of a beige coloured pant with closed shirt. Very nice.
Kirk has managed to get most of his chest showing before the second commercial break. Congratulations.
They Barely have a chance to model their stylish clothing, when a Mugato wearing an enemy design, a stylish white plastic and fur bodysuit, comes to attack them.
Yes, this outfit is ridiculous, but it's alright, because white is in now.
Kirk and the Mugato fight, since McCoy has a tendency to wander off to leave the glory for Kirk and his open/ripped shirt. The Mugato proceeds to have a sexual encounter with Kirk. It looks like they both enjoy it. But AFTERWARDS. Kirk got bitten, guess he shouldn't have ventured into THAT relationship.
Kirk is now writhing about and having what looks to be like a seizure. I missed the majority of what he said to McCoy, because after I saw his twiching and then heard him go "Mc----COY.........
You..."
I burst into hysteric laughter and couldn't stop until the commercial break (which for maximum suspense was placed right after a nice shot of Kirk twitching and then grabbing his crotch...wtf?)
WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO KIRK?
THE MUGATO IS POISONOUS
WILL HE DIE?
MCCOY TRIED TO CONTACT THE ENTERPISE EVEN THOUGH SCOTTY PROMISED THEY WOULDN'T BE THERE TO HELP THEM
OUT WHEN THEY GOT HURT ANYWAYS!
*end commercial break*
We now learn that the villagers can get Tyree's wife Nona to heal Kirk, but first they must find her! Cut to scene of Nona, who is sporting a stylish lack of clothing. She is sporting some very stylish pleather pants, and a splendid matching bra with a beautiful fluffy decorative edging and a very useful AND stylish belt, with knife. At this point my mother went "OF COURSE" and I laughed yet again.
What is a good episode of Star Trek without a stylish outfit making use of the scrap fabric in the costume department?
Some random talking between Nona (isn't that the prefix for 9 in chemical nomenclature?) and Tyree, and we learn that Nona is horny, and uses drugs to make Tyree a sex crazed maniac who wants to rape her. My mother was not liking this. I was laughing.
Wonderful. Tyree seems to pull a kirby on her mouth, before some other guy comes up and asks to join in on the sexfest lets them know Kirk wants them.
Nona leaves to go to the cave where Kirk is snuggled nicely into his fur bed (not unlike his fur lovesack at home, Spock likes the feel of fur on his bum) And McCoy is wandering around heating up rocks with his phaser
HEAT
The Prime Directive barely exists anymore, just in case anyone is wondering.
Nona is INTRUIGED (or so star trek dot comm says; it looked like to me more like she was freaking out)
She then grabs some root thingy (looks like a poop that's wiggling...o.0) and starts the ceremony to 'heal' kirk. She gets Tyree to cut her, and then starts moaning and thrashing around like a singular orgie. AWKWARD TURTLE
Tyree beats his little drum like a retard, and McCOy looks on like a retard, and Nona has her little orgasm all over Kirk and almost passes out. Kirk is healed! McCoy checks Kirks wound out...by touching his chest in an oddly sexual way. But this whole episode is oddly sexual, so we can forgive it.
Nona is taken over to rest by Tyree, and McCoy tells Kirk to rest after he wakes up and we get to look more at his chest...
Nona gets to say something about Kirk having to obey her every command or something somewhere around here...not like this will set-up for the entire rest of the episode or something...
Is there a commercial break here? I forgot, oh well...
Back on the Enterprise! Chapel (although we don't see it's her at first, we know it's her) is holding Spocks hand! How cute! ^3^
Dr whatshisname comes in and goes on about how Vulcans put themselves into a trance (hippies) to heal their injuries, and that he can hear what they're saying and knows everything that has been going on around, including that Chapel was feeling him up. Chapel is crapping her pants that apparently both Dr whatshisname and Spock now know she was being creepy, but we don't care, because Dr whatshisname tells Chapel that now if Spock awakens and asks her to do something, she MUST DO IT
Chapel now spends hours thinking of what Spock will ask her to do. And surely we know what that is.
Kirk and McCoy are talking to Tyree and Nonagon and shtuff about when the weapons appeared (about a year ago) and Kirk definitely thinks its all Klingons, even though no-ones seen anything.
Kirk and McCoy go off sneakin' around like ninjas into the other camp and find *GASP* forged metal! These people couldn't make that! So They are now pretty much sure its a Klingon, and SPEAK OF THE DEVIL...a Klingon and a villager come in. The Klingon is of course a douchebag, and gives the dude a weapon and pulls some crap about the dude being able to become powerful in the Klingon empire...
Kirk and McCoy attack the Klingon and the dude, and for some reason McCoy disappears again to let Kirk enjoy his glory...
FLYING JUMPKICK
That was cool...
They steal a gun 'flintlock' and run off to go give it to the other village.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I WATCHED ANOTHER SHOW AND MISSED THE BEGINNING PART OF THIS SEGMENT
But star trek dot comm tells me...
Spock awakens and tells CHapel to slap him, of course she is aghast at having to do something so VIOLENT
She was of course expecting something violent in a different way ;D
And she slaps him, but AGHAST
For some reason Scotty has decided to pop in for some meds at around that time, and sees Chapel hitting Spock, has a spazzoid, and tries to get her away. She freaks out, and then Dr whatshisface runs in and says it's alright, and beigns to slap Spock as well! I came in right around that point, and it was funny. Dr whatshisface bitchslaps spock a couple times, and Spock is all "ZOMG" because apparently Dr whatshisface is strong and can hurt Spock who is three times stronger ANYWAYS cuz he's Vulcan. But that's okay, we can ignore continuity. And then Spock GRABS his hand, and tells him he's 'Quite alright'
Chapel is happy...I think...
ON THE PLANET
Kirk is teaching these formerly peaceful people how to fire guns! YEAH
This place could be an action-adventure movie in no time!
Kirk and McCOy have an argument about it (like all couples) because McCoy doesn't want to ruin the species ( I think he throws around the words Prime Directive, whatever they mean) but Kirk says that if they are both equal in weapons power then it will be better than one side massacreing the other, which makes sense, but isn't really like Kirk. McCoy is CONCERNED
Kirk goes to ask Nona if she'll get Tyree the pacifist to fight, because Kirk can't do it. And of course Nona uses the date rape drug to get Kirk all HORNEH
So he's all up in her space and AGHAST
Tyree walks up! And he's ANGRY
And conveniently enough he has the flintlock...
He aims at Nona, but HE CANNOT
HE CANNOT KILL *tear*
He run soff, and then another costu--I mean Mugato comes and ATTACKS
Nona screams in terror and is seemingly helpless, even though she's supposed to be strong AND has a knife, and she rolls around the ground all over the place with barely a touch from the Mugato. OH NOES
Kirk ogles at her sexiness for a little bit before growing some balls the drug wears off and he fights with the Mugato, eventually using his phaser to make it go *poof*! Nona is amazed! And phwacks kirk on the head (like most of the women in the series) with a rock...and STEALS HIS PHASER! : O
Nona runs off to the ENEMY and shows them the phaser and how they could defeat EVERYONE with it, but of course they don't believe her and start a dust wrestling tournament, and Nona of course can't figure out how the Phaser works and phails at life. A whole bunch of people Die, including Nona, and Tyree gets really angry and kills some-one, and then asks Kirk for more flintlocks. McCoy is all "She's Dead..." but he forgot the Jim...o.0
Spock contacts them and is all "yo sup I'm in the HOUSE'
and Kirks all "I'm so glad you're alive honey" and Spocks all "yeah whatever...you can show me how happy you are later"
Kirk tells scotty to manufacture a hundred flintlocks and Scotty's all "what" cuz El Capitan Kirko was not using Scottish, so Kirk repeats it in Scottish and then Scottie is like..."..aight?" and then Kirk is all *pose* *reminisce* "We are making serpents, for the Garden of Eden"
*end of episode*