I Just Wanted You To Know
Pairing: Santana/Quinn
Rating: PG-13
Words: ~4 300
Spoilers: None, completely A/U
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.
Summary:Seventeen year old Santana is on vacation with her family. Away from the luxury resort she finds a camping park and in it a girl with pink hair and carefree ways. Soon there is an unfamiliar void feeling inside Santana whenever she leaves the park, a void feeling that disappears when Quinn smiles at her.
A/N: Comments are greatly appreciated. The story is inspired by Lana Del Rey's "Summertime Sadness".
”Santana, I don’t want you hanging out there.” He looks sternly at his seventeen year old daughter.
“Why? What do you think is going to happen? You think I’m going to get beaten up and robbed? Raped?” She snaps back defiantly.
“Maybe. Anyway, I don’t want you to go there. I know you’ve been spending time there. Don’t think I don’t know. Stick around in the hotel area or go out with your brother. End of discussion.”
Ten minutes later she walks through the open gates to the forbidden camping park down the beach. She has left the beautiful holiday resort where the Lopez family is vacationing for the summer. It’s the kind of resort where the service is discrete, efficient and taken for granted and ladies’ restaurant menus don’t show the prices.
At the park people have suspended string between trees, trailers and tents and used them as clothes lines. Thin summery garments hung up to dry in the gentle breeze. There is the ever present smell of food cooking over charcoal on small rusty grills. Kids play outside the trailers, laughing, crying, chasing each other. Time doesn’t seem to matter here. No three o’clock tee time, five o’clock guided tour, no fake smiles to greet the next door neighbours you struggle to remember the names of.
“Ah. The rich girl is back! Slumming it, are we?” The voice belongs to a young blond man. The tone is slightly mocking but not altogether unfriendly. She seems to recall the others calling him Sam. He’s a little older than she is. She remembers him from last night, sitting around the camp fire. He had played the guitar. She had enjoyed his voice. She gives him an uncertain smile, hoping he doesn’t mind her presence.
“Lay off her Sam!” A girl saunters towards them. Her bright pink hair is a little tussled and Santana has a hard time determining if her clothes are ripped from wear or by design. Despite the ragged general appearance it is abundantly clear that she is beautiful. There are many words that could describe the girl, Santana supposes, but none fit better than “beautiful”. She remember her from last night too. Quinn, that’s her name.
“Got a light?” Quinn holds up an unlit cigarette. Santana shakes her head, slightly embarrassed. Sam reaches into the pocket of his shorts and pulls out a box of matches. He passes it to Quinn who carefully lights her cigarette.
“So what brings you back from the big fancy hotel? Want a cup of coffee?” Quinn exhales and a cloud of smoke emerges from her mouth. Santana nods mutely. She desperately wants to say something, to offer a witty reply or just to make sense at all.
“I… It gets a bit stuffy there, you know..” Her voice trails off. She feels stupid. Quinn just nods with an understanding look on her face, turns around and starts walking towards one of the trailers.
Santana wishes she was cool. She wishes she was like Quinn. She wishes she could just do what the hell she wants. She imagines Quinn can. Silently she follows Quinn to the trailer.
“Instant ok?” Quinn asks as she pours water into a kettle. “Actually, it’s the only kind I’ve got.”
“Instant is fine.” Santana smiles a little.
“Just push the junk to the side there and make yourself at home.” Quinn nods towards an old couch. The trailer is small and cramped. It’s a little messy but still cosy. Santana carefully moves a pile of paper, some magazines and a large inflatable pigeon and sits down. She feels adventurous.
“Have you lived here long?” she inquires.
“Erm.. Let’s see….” Quinn stops what she’s doing and seems to be counting in her head. “I guess it’s been about seven months now. I was heading towards San Diego but then I came across this place and decided to make a stop. Didn’t mean to stay this long but I like it here and you know, time flies when you’re having fun.” She flashes Santana a smile that makes her feel all warm inside. She thinks she’s blushing and unconsciously raises a hand to her cheek to feel if it’s hot. Quinn returns to her coffee making.
“What about school? I mean, you don’t look much older than I am and….” She catches herself and feels painfully uncool.
“Yeah. I quit.” Quinn doesn’t look up. She just keeps on stirring boiling water into two coffee mugs. “You know, I reckon I can always go back and finish later if I feel the need to. Somehow I don’t miss homework, lunch break seating hierarchies and mind numbing physics classes. Besides, I’m learning a lot of useful things here. I meet people who’ve travelled the world, people from all walks of life, real people with real stories to tell.” She shrugs and Santana wishes desperately that her own life was more interesting. She wants to be a real person with real stories to tell. She wants to ask Quinn a million questions but she doesn’t want to seem like she is prying. Where does this girl come from? Do her parents let her live here? Why was she going to San Diego in the first place? How can she afford to live here? Is there no one who takes care of her?
Quinn puts the mugs down on the coffee table.
“So, fed up with your fancy hotel?” She looks straight at Santana.
“Yeah… It’s nice and all but you know…” She wants to say that the camping park is so much cooler. Quinn is so much cooler than anyone at the hotel resort. She doesn’t want to be around her parents all the time. She’s not a kid any more. She wants to find her own thing and this place pretty much feels like it is it.
“Oh, I know. All too well. Been there, done that.” Quinn chuckles. “I used to hate going to vacation with my parents. Or, I liked it when I was little but not after I started high school.”
“Where are you from?” Santana can’t help herself.
“A small town in Ohio, Lima. You’ve probably never heard of it and believe you me, it’s not worth hearing of either.”
Santana hasn’t heard of Lima. She says nothing.
Santana goes back to the camping park the next day too. Sam grills fresh fish for her and Quinn. Later on some other people from the park join them. Sam plays the guitar and Quinn sings. Santana feels like she belongs and she can’t stop looking at Quinn.
It becomes a daily routine, spending the mornings with her family and sneaking off in the afternoons to go to the camping park. It keeps her father reasonably unsuspicious.
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“What?” Quinn smiles.
“What?” Santana answers back.
“You’re looking at me like you’re trying to read my mind or something. Ask away. I have no secrets.”
“Everyone has secrets.” Santana says it almost more to herself than to Quinn.
“Yes. I guess that is true. Everyone has secrets”, Quinn muses. “Want to tell me any of yours?” She looks straight at her guest and it hits Santana again how beautiful Quinn is.
“Erm.. I…” She wracks her brain for a secret to tell. She wants to tell Quinn secrets. Things she’s never told anyone before. “I… I have never been in love with any of my boyfriends. I hate the pressure that comes with being popular at school and my teddy bear is my most precious possession.” The words pour out of her mouth and when she’s done Santana avoids making eye contact with Quinn.
“Wow. Not bad! So where are you from, popular Santana, person who appears to have deeper feelings for teddy bears than boyfriends?”
“I’m from LA. Born and raised there. My dad is a doctor and my mom is lab technician. I have an older brother who goes to college in Texas. They’re all here too. My dad still insists we go on family vacations together but he always gets to decide where and when we go.”
Quinn clears her throat and imitates a man’s voice and points at Santana “You pay, you get to decide where we go”. Santana laughs.
“Jeez! Have you been eaves dropping on my family?”
“Maybe your dad is related to mine.” Quinn chuckles.
They drink their coffee. Then they drink more coffee and eat cookies one of Quinn’s neighbours baked. Suddenly it’s eight in the evening and Santana has missed dinner.
“Shit! I gotta get back. My dad is going to kill me!” Santana stands up with a worried look on her face.
“Well, I hope he doesn’t. I’m going to borrow Artie’s boat tomorrow and go out to one of the islands to look for seashells. You’re welcome to join me if you like.” Quinn looks at Santana and smiles with her perfectly shaped lips and glittering hazel eyes. “That is if you can sneak away from your parents.” Quinn adds. Artie is a hippie who’s lived in the park for years. His trailer smells of incense and pot and the walls are covered with abstract art and peace signs.
“That sounds really cool! I’d love to. I’ll try to make it.” Santana means every word. So much.
“Great! I’ll be leaving around ten or so in the morning.”
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She’s grounded. She has to spend the rest of the evening in her room and the next day she has to go with her parents to visit some local art centre. She has no way of letting Quinn know she won’t make the boat trip. Her tears stain the bed cover and the sound from the tv blares from the speakers. Her parents are fucking idiots! This is the last time she’s going on holiday with them!
The next day they rent a car and drive to the art centre. Santana’s mother likes art. Doctor Lopez is mainly indifferent to it but he brings the family there to compensate for the golf rounds his wife has to endure almost daily at the resort.
They wander through large halls decorated with sculptures, paintings and photographs. Some are nice but Santana doesn’t want to be here. Not now, not with her parents. She wants to be on a boat with Quinn. Thinking of the girl with the pink hair makes Santana feel a strange kind of longing. She can’t quite put her finger on it but she feels a sort of emptiness inside, like there is void. She looks at her watch and sees it’s a little after ten. Her heart sinks.
She finds it humiliating to still be forced by her parents to accompany them. She yearns for freedom. She wants to be able to make her own choices. She wants to feel that she is responsible for herself. She can’t wait to go to college and live in a dorm where no one knows or cares when she comes and goes.
They have lunch at the club house by the golf course. Doctor Lopez is going to play eighteen holes and Santana is let out of his sight at last. She tells her mother she is going for a walk and heads straight for the camping park. A few people greet her as she walks through the park. She recognises them from the camp fire party. It makes her proud they remember her.
She finds Quinn’s trailer but there is no one there. Santana guesses she is still out on the boat. She starts strolling back towards the gate. Sam is sitting at table under a large parasol.
“Hola Santana!” he calls out in a Spanish accent. He waves at her.
“Hola!” She waves back.
“Looking for Quinn? She went out to the island to pick seashells. She usually stays out there the whole day if the weather is good.”
“Yeah… She invited me but I couldn’t make it this morning. I thought she might be back by now.” Santana walks towards Sam.
“I can bring you out there if you like. I have a nifty little RIB.”
“Really?” Santana feels the corners of her moth stretching towards her ears.
“Hey, I wish girls always looked that happy when I say something. Yeah, sure. I’ll drop you off and then I’ll go fishing. Let me just get my keys.”
Five minutes later Santana is sitting in a small boat that almost flies across the water. The spray nearly soaks her but she loves it. She turns her face up towards the sun and holds out her arms to let the wind catch her body.
She can’t tell how long the boat trip took but as Sam slows the boat down and docks it next to Artie’s boat, Santana feels like all her cares and worries have been washed away by the ocean and the breeze.
“There you go. The island is really small. She’ll be somewhere on the beach. You’ll find her.”
She thanks him and gets off the boat. Within minutes he’s a distant dot on the glittering water and she’s walking along the water away from the boat. She’s taken off her sandals and enjoys the feeling of warm sand under her feet.
Quinn is sitting crouched down at the water’s edge. She’s poking in the sand with a stick. Santana watches her from afar. Watches how she moves, the way the sun falls on her hair, how the water washes over her bare feet. The void inside is gone.
She doesn’t want to startle Quinn so she calls out. Quinn looks up. Her face lights up when she sees who it is.
“Hey there! How did you get here?”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t make it this morning. My dad… He kinda lost it last night and grounded me but I managed to sneak away while he was playing golf. Sam offered to bring me out here.”
“I’m glad.” Quinn stands up and starts walking towards Santana. She keeps walking and she doesn’t stop. She just comes closer and closer until she can’t come any closer. Then she puts her arms around Santana and briefly lets her lips brush against Santana’s cheek. It happens in seconds.
The ground disappears. The sun and the ocean are gone. There are no sounds. All that remains is a searing burn on Santana’s cheek. A burn that doesn’t hurt. A burn that works its way through her cheek and into her brain where it lodges itself for the rest of her life.
“Come! I want to show you my favourite spot on the island.” Quinn has already moved away from Santana. She holds out her hand and without thinking, Santana takes it. Quinn’s hand is warm but dry, her skin is smooth and soft and it’s the best thing Santana has ever held in her hand. They stroll in silence. It’s like they’re afraid to say anything, as if it would break the moment, force them to think of their actions and let go of each other’s hands. But they both know the other feels it too. They have a silent agreement and Santana has a new secret. She’s almost sure she knows what that void feeling is now.
Quinn takes Santana to a large rock overlooking the ocean. It’s a glorious place. The sun is shining, the sea is glittering, there is a warm and gentle breeze. It’s summer and they’re seventeen years old.
Santana is lying in her bed in the hotel room. She touches her lips with her fingers. She feels how soft they are. It is the evening after the afternoon when she kissed Quinn Fabray. They had shared sandwiches and fruit salad up on the rock. Quinn had blushed a little when she admitted she had brought food for Santana too and that she had really hoped Santana would come with her. That was when Santana leaned forward and kissed Quinn on the lips. She hadn’t meant to. It just happened. And ten minutes later they were still kissing.
The next day Santana sneaks away after breakfast. She tells her parents she is going to see a friend. She lies when they ask if the friend is from the camping park. She tells them it’s a girl from one of the other hotels.
Quinn has borrowed Artie’s boat again and they go to a different island this time. Quinn is wearing a light blue polka dot dress. Her hair is held back with a hair band. She looks like a 50’s movie star. Santana is almost afraid to look at her too much. Maybe yesterday was just a dream. But as they cast off Quinn kisses her and tells her how happy she is to have Santana all to herself all day.
Quinn brings them to a beach on a small island. She has brought large beach towels that she lays out on the sand. Really close to each other. She’s wearing a bikini under her dress and when she takes it off Santana can’t help staring.
“Like what you see?” Quinn says with a playful smile on her face. Santana nods, unable to speak. She’s never allowed herself look at a girl like this before. She may or may not have wanted to but she never has. Quinn is slender but toned. Her skin is golden from exposure to the sun. She has perky breasts and Santana blushes a little when she looks at them. Quinn watches her watching. Then she comes towards Santana. Again she doesn’t stop until they are pressed against each other. Slowly Quinn puts her arms around Santana and kisses her. Slowly but intently. Santana feels energy radiating from Quinn, she feels like she’s being infused with life. As they lay down on the towels Santana’s life changes. They are so tender and so young. Their excitement makes them bold and under a sunlit clear blue sky they become lovers.
Santana lays naked on her back and watches the sky. Quinn lies with her head on Santana’s chest and listens to her heart beating. Suddenly Santana start giggling. It makes Quinn’s head bob up and down.
“What?”
“Nothing..” Santana continues to giggle.
“Come on! Tell me!” Quinn looks up at Santana.
“It.. It’s just... I was wondering before what your natural hair colour is and well, it occurred to me that now I know, Blondie!” Santana can’t stop giggling while Quinn sits up and stares at her in disbelief.
“You! You… I cannot believe you said that!” Her cheeks are flushed.
Santana quickly gets up to run away and Quinn gives chase. They run around on the beach until Santana heads for the water, shrieking, running straight into the sea. She hasn’t skinny dipped since she was seven.
“How can you afford living in the trailer? Do you work?” They’re lying on the towels, facing the sun and holding hands.
“No, I have some money. Actually, my mom helps out. My dad doesn’t know. He’d be furious if he found out. I talk to her on the phone sometimes and send postcards.”
“Don’t you ever miss them?” Santana knows she’d miss her mother and maybe even her father sometimes.
“Yeah. I miss them. But my dad doesn’t want to see me so it doesn’t really matter where I am as far as he’s concerned.” Santana can hear the sadness.
“Do you mind me asking why he doesn’t want to see you? Is it because you’re gay?”
Quinn props herself up on one elbow and smiles at Santana. “No. I don’t know if I’m gay. The gayest thing I’ve ever done, I did with you about an hour ago.”
Santana can’t think about that. She regrets asking about Quinn being gay. It makes all the big questions form inside her head.
“I got pregnant and I had a little girl. My upstanding-member-of-society-father, good Christian lawyer, Mister James Fabray, could not handle that. So he threw me out. Shit happens.” Quinn lies down again. Santana’s grip on her hand tightens.
“Is your name Quinn Fabray?” Santana wants to ask about the baby but she’s obviously not at the camping park so she leaves the subject alone.
“Yes.”
“I’m Santana Lopez.”
“I am very pleased to have met you Santana Lopez. Very pleased.” Quinn turns to her side and kisses Santana tenderly.
It’s already evening when they get back. Santana knows Doctor Lopez is going to be angry but she doesn’t care. However angry he gets, today was worth it.
She’s surprised to find that her father contents himself with grunting about her making dinner time tomorrow or else. She spends the rest of the evening with her brother and some people he hangs out with at the hotel.
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They see each other every day. Quinn brings her out in Artie’s boat and they go for drives in her old Ford. Santana feels free and carefree. She smokes Quinn’s cigarettes, drinks cocktails Sam mixes and when Quinn goes down on her she goes to heaven. When she lies in Quinn’s arms she knows she’s where she’s supposed to be.
One evening Quinn is unusually quiet. They’re lying in the bed in the trailer. Quinn watches the smoke rise from her mouth and she exhales.
“I was thinking… You know, when you leave. Please don’t tell me when it is ‘cos I don’t want to say goodbye to you. Would you do that for me?”
Santana has worked hard to push all the unpleasant questions and thoughts into a small dark compartment of her brain. Now they’re out in the open again. She swallows hard.
“I wish this summer would never end,” is all she can bring herself to say.
“I’ve fallen for you.” Quinn is whispering now. “For real.” Santana sees a tear trickle down the side of Quinn’s face. “Have you… Do you…” Quinn closes her eyes and draws in a ragged breath.
Santana leans forward and whispers into Quinn’s ear. “Yes. I have. I do. For real.”
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“Don’t wander off too far now! The transfer bus will be here in two hours and you’d better be here in time.” Doctor Lopez raises a finger and looks at Santana as she passes him in the hotel lobby. She rolls her eyes.
“Yes daddy.” She keeps walking. A few minutes later she’s left the hotel area and walks down the path by the edge of the beach towards the camping park. The scent of the sea fills her nostrils and the warm breeze caresses her skin that has gone a dark bronze colour in the summer sun. She tries not to think about the fact that this may be the last time she goes to visit the park and all the things that notion entails.
As she walks through the gates she heads straight for Quinn’s trailer. She finds it locked and deserted. Maybe Quinn’s gone to the market. She never mentioned anything about going somewhere today. She decides to go find Sam in the meantime. She’ll just wait for Quinn to come back.
Sam’s sitting by the table outside his trailer as usual. He seems to be working on a new song. He looks up when she calls out to him.
“Hey!” She hasn’t told him either that she’s going home today. He looks at her but doesn’t say anything. Then he gets up leaves the guitar leaning against the table. He steps inside the trailer but returns a minute later with something in his hand.
“Hey,” he says and sounds a little awkward. “I know you’re going home today. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry to see you go.”
“How did you know?” She looks at him and feels the void grow inside of her at a sickening rate. “How long have you known?”
“I know Quinn told you not to tell her when you were going. But I guess the part of her that needed to know was stronger. She knows a guy who works at the reception at your hotel. She asked him to check how long you were staying. She’s known for about a week.”
Santana closes her eyes in attempt to process what Sam’s just said. Quinn knew!
With an unsteady voice she asks “Where is she?”
Sam looks down at his feet. “She left. She packed all night and left at dawn.”
The void swallows Santana whole. She doesn’t realise she’s crying.
“Where did she go?”
“She said she was heading back east. She said it was time.” Sam wipes a small tear from his eye. “I’ll miss her. That’s for sure.” He holds out a white envelope. “She asked me to give you this.”
Santana takes the envelope but doesn’t open it. Sam steps forward and pulls her into a hug.
“Goodbye Santana. I hope to see you again sometime. It’s been a pleasure.” He feels her squeezing him a little harder.
Five hours later she is on a plane on her way home. She made sure to get a window seat and ever since they took off, she’s been staring out the window. In her hand is Quinn’s unopened letter. It’s time.
Slowly she opens it and pulls out the folded piece of paper.
“Santana,
I hope you’ll forgive me. I couldn’t keep my nerve. As you’re reading this, I’m probably in my car or in some shabby wayside diner, on my way eastwards.
I’m writing this so that you’ll know that I didn’t just leave out of carelessness. There is nothing casual about my leaving. On the contrary.
You are my first true love. Whoever I meet in the future, whatever they will mean to me, you will always hold that title. Know that.
Quinn”
Rating: PG-13
Words: ~4 300
Spoilers: None, completely A/U
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.
Summary:Seventeen year old Santana is on vacation with her family. Away from the luxury resort she finds a camping park and in it a girl with pink hair and carefree ways. Soon there is an unfamiliar void feeling inside Santana whenever she leaves the park, a void feeling that disappears when Quinn smiles at her.
A/N: Comments are greatly appreciated. The story is inspired by Lana Del Rey's "Summertime Sadness".
”Santana, I don’t want you hanging out there.” He looks sternly at his seventeen year old daughter.
“Why? What do you think is going to happen? You think I’m going to get beaten up and robbed? Raped?” She snaps back defiantly.
“Maybe. Anyway, I don’t want you to go there. I know you’ve been spending time there. Don’t think I don’t know. Stick around in the hotel area or go out with your brother. End of discussion.”
Ten minutes later she walks through the open gates to the forbidden camping park down the beach. She has left the beautiful holiday resort where the Lopez family is vacationing for the summer. It’s the kind of resort where the service is discrete, efficient and taken for granted and ladies’ restaurant menus don’t show the prices.
At the park people have suspended string between trees, trailers and tents and used them as clothes lines. Thin summery garments hung up to dry in the gentle breeze. There is the ever present smell of food cooking over charcoal on small rusty grills. Kids play outside the trailers, laughing, crying, chasing each other. Time doesn’t seem to matter here. No three o’clock tee time, five o’clock guided tour, no fake smiles to greet the next door neighbours you struggle to remember the names of.
“Ah. The rich girl is back! Slumming it, are we?” The voice belongs to a young blond man. The tone is slightly mocking but not altogether unfriendly. She seems to recall the others calling him Sam. He’s a little older than she is. She remembers him from last night, sitting around the camp fire. He had played the guitar. She had enjoyed his voice. She gives him an uncertain smile, hoping he doesn’t mind her presence.
“Lay off her Sam!” A girl saunters towards them. Her bright pink hair is a little tussled and Santana has a hard time determining if her clothes are ripped from wear or by design. Despite the ragged general appearance it is abundantly clear that she is beautiful. There are many words that could describe the girl, Santana supposes, but none fit better than “beautiful”. She remember her from last night too. Quinn, that’s her name.
“Got a light?” Quinn holds up an unlit cigarette. Santana shakes her head, slightly embarrassed. Sam reaches into the pocket of his shorts and pulls out a box of matches. He passes it to Quinn who carefully lights her cigarette.
“So what brings you back from the big fancy hotel? Want a cup of coffee?” Quinn exhales and a cloud of smoke emerges from her mouth. Santana nods mutely. She desperately wants to say something, to offer a witty reply or just to make sense at all.
“I… It gets a bit stuffy there, you know..” Her voice trails off. She feels stupid. Quinn just nods with an understanding look on her face, turns around and starts walking towards one of the trailers.
Santana wishes she was cool. She wishes she was like Quinn. She wishes she could just do what the hell she wants. She imagines Quinn can. Silently she follows Quinn to the trailer.
“Instant ok?” Quinn asks as she pours water into a kettle. “Actually, it’s the only kind I’ve got.”
“Instant is fine.” Santana smiles a little.
“Just push the junk to the side there and make yourself at home.” Quinn nods towards an old couch. The trailer is small and cramped. It’s a little messy but still cosy. Santana carefully moves a pile of paper, some magazines and a large inflatable pigeon and sits down. She feels adventurous.
“Have you lived here long?” she inquires.
“Erm.. Let’s see….” Quinn stops what she’s doing and seems to be counting in her head. “I guess it’s been about seven months now. I was heading towards San Diego but then I came across this place and decided to make a stop. Didn’t mean to stay this long but I like it here and you know, time flies when you’re having fun.” She flashes Santana a smile that makes her feel all warm inside. She thinks she’s blushing and unconsciously raises a hand to her cheek to feel if it’s hot. Quinn returns to her coffee making.
“What about school? I mean, you don’t look much older than I am and….” She catches herself and feels painfully uncool.
“Yeah. I quit.” Quinn doesn’t look up. She just keeps on stirring boiling water into two coffee mugs. “You know, I reckon I can always go back and finish later if I feel the need to. Somehow I don’t miss homework, lunch break seating hierarchies and mind numbing physics classes. Besides, I’m learning a lot of useful things here. I meet people who’ve travelled the world, people from all walks of life, real people with real stories to tell.” She shrugs and Santana wishes desperately that her own life was more interesting. She wants to be a real person with real stories to tell. She wants to ask Quinn a million questions but she doesn’t want to seem like she is prying. Where does this girl come from? Do her parents let her live here? Why was she going to San Diego in the first place? How can she afford to live here? Is there no one who takes care of her?
Quinn puts the mugs down on the coffee table.
“So, fed up with your fancy hotel?” She looks straight at Santana.
“Yeah… It’s nice and all but you know…” She wants to say that the camping park is so much cooler. Quinn is so much cooler than anyone at the hotel resort. She doesn’t want to be around her parents all the time. She’s not a kid any more. She wants to find her own thing and this place pretty much feels like it is it.
“Oh, I know. All too well. Been there, done that.” Quinn chuckles. “I used to hate going to vacation with my parents. Or, I liked it when I was little but not after I started high school.”
“Where are you from?” Santana can’t help herself.
“A small town in Ohio, Lima. You’ve probably never heard of it and believe you me, it’s not worth hearing of either.”
Santana hasn’t heard of Lima. She says nothing.
Santana goes back to the camping park the next day too. Sam grills fresh fish for her and Quinn. Later on some other people from the park join them. Sam plays the guitar and Quinn sings. Santana feels like she belongs and she can’t stop looking at Quinn.
It becomes a daily routine, spending the mornings with her family and sneaking off in the afternoons to go to the camping park. It keeps her father reasonably unsuspicious.
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“What?” Quinn smiles.
“What?” Santana answers back.
“You’re looking at me like you’re trying to read my mind or something. Ask away. I have no secrets.”
“Everyone has secrets.” Santana says it almost more to herself than to Quinn.
“Yes. I guess that is true. Everyone has secrets”, Quinn muses. “Want to tell me any of yours?” She looks straight at her guest and it hits Santana again how beautiful Quinn is.
“Erm.. I…” She wracks her brain for a secret to tell. She wants to tell Quinn secrets. Things she’s never told anyone before. “I… I have never been in love with any of my boyfriends. I hate the pressure that comes with being popular at school and my teddy bear is my most precious possession.” The words pour out of her mouth and when she’s done Santana avoids making eye contact with Quinn.
“Wow. Not bad! So where are you from, popular Santana, person who appears to have deeper feelings for teddy bears than boyfriends?”
“I’m from LA. Born and raised there. My dad is a doctor and my mom is lab technician. I have an older brother who goes to college in Texas. They’re all here too. My dad still insists we go on family vacations together but he always gets to decide where and when we go.”
Quinn clears her throat and imitates a man’s voice and points at Santana “You pay, you get to decide where we go”. Santana laughs.
“Jeez! Have you been eaves dropping on my family?”
“Maybe your dad is related to mine.” Quinn chuckles.
They drink their coffee. Then they drink more coffee and eat cookies one of Quinn’s neighbours baked. Suddenly it’s eight in the evening and Santana has missed dinner.
“Shit! I gotta get back. My dad is going to kill me!” Santana stands up with a worried look on her face.
“Well, I hope he doesn’t. I’m going to borrow Artie’s boat tomorrow and go out to one of the islands to look for seashells. You’re welcome to join me if you like.” Quinn looks at Santana and smiles with her perfectly shaped lips and glittering hazel eyes. “That is if you can sneak away from your parents.” Quinn adds. Artie is a hippie who’s lived in the park for years. His trailer smells of incense and pot and the walls are covered with abstract art and peace signs.
“That sounds really cool! I’d love to. I’ll try to make it.” Santana means every word. So much.
“Great! I’ll be leaving around ten or so in the morning.”
)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(
She’s grounded. She has to spend the rest of the evening in her room and the next day she has to go with her parents to visit some local art centre. She has no way of letting Quinn know she won’t make the boat trip. Her tears stain the bed cover and the sound from the tv blares from the speakers. Her parents are fucking idiots! This is the last time she’s going on holiday with them!
The next day they rent a car and drive to the art centre. Santana’s mother likes art. Doctor Lopez is mainly indifferent to it but he brings the family there to compensate for the golf rounds his wife has to endure almost daily at the resort.
They wander through large halls decorated with sculptures, paintings and photographs. Some are nice but Santana doesn’t want to be here. Not now, not with her parents. She wants to be on a boat with Quinn. Thinking of the girl with the pink hair makes Santana feel a strange kind of longing. She can’t quite put her finger on it but she feels a sort of emptiness inside, like there is void. She looks at her watch and sees it’s a little after ten. Her heart sinks.
She finds it humiliating to still be forced by her parents to accompany them. She yearns for freedom. She wants to be able to make her own choices. She wants to feel that she is responsible for herself. She can’t wait to go to college and live in a dorm where no one knows or cares when she comes and goes.
They have lunch at the club house by the golf course. Doctor Lopez is going to play eighteen holes and Santana is let out of his sight at last. She tells her mother she is going for a walk and heads straight for the camping park. A few people greet her as she walks through the park. She recognises them from the camp fire party. It makes her proud they remember her.
She finds Quinn’s trailer but there is no one there. Santana guesses she is still out on the boat. She starts strolling back towards the gate. Sam is sitting at table under a large parasol.
“Hola Santana!” he calls out in a Spanish accent. He waves at her.
“Hola!” She waves back.
“Looking for Quinn? She went out to the island to pick seashells. She usually stays out there the whole day if the weather is good.”
“Yeah… She invited me but I couldn’t make it this morning. I thought she might be back by now.” Santana walks towards Sam.
“I can bring you out there if you like. I have a nifty little RIB.”
“Really?” Santana feels the corners of her moth stretching towards her ears.
“Hey, I wish girls always looked that happy when I say something. Yeah, sure. I’ll drop you off and then I’ll go fishing. Let me just get my keys.”
Five minutes later Santana is sitting in a small boat that almost flies across the water. The spray nearly soaks her but she loves it. She turns her face up towards the sun and holds out her arms to let the wind catch her body.
She can’t tell how long the boat trip took but as Sam slows the boat down and docks it next to Artie’s boat, Santana feels like all her cares and worries have been washed away by the ocean and the breeze.
“There you go. The island is really small. She’ll be somewhere on the beach. You’ll find her.”
She thanks him and gets off the boat. Within minutes he’s a distant dot on the glittering water and she’s walking along the water away from the boat. She’s taken off her sandals and enjoys the feeling of warm sand under her feet.
Quinn is sitting crouched down at the water’s edge. She’s poking in the sand with a stick. Santana watches her from afar. Watches how she moves, the way the sun falls on her hair, how the water washes over her bare feet. The void inside is gone.
She doesn’t want to startle Quinn so she calls out. Quinn looks up. Her face lights up when she sees who it is.
“Hey there! How did you get here?”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t make it this morning. My dad… He kinda lost it last night and grounded me but I managed to sneak away while he was playing golf. Sam offered to bring me out here.”
“I’m glad.” Quinn stands up and starts walking towards Santana. She keeps walking and she doesn’t stop. She just comes closer and closer until she can’t come any closer. Then she puts her arms around Santana and briefly lets her lips brush against Santana’s cheek. It happens in seconds.
The ground disappears. The sun and the ocean are gone. There are no sounds. All that remains is a searing burn on Santana’s cheek. A burn that doesn’t hurt. A burn that works its way through her cheek and into her brain where it lodges itself for the rest of her life.
“Come! I want to show you my favourite spot on the island.” Quinn has already moved away from Santana. She holds out her hand and without thinking, Santana takes it. Quinn’s hand is warm but dry, her skin is smooth and soft and it’s the best thing Santana has ever held in her hand. They stroll in silence. It’s like they’re afraid to say anything, as if it would break the moment, force them to think of their actions and let go of each other’s hands. But they both know the other feels it too. They have a silent agreement and Santana has a new secret. She’s almost sure she knows what that void feeling is now.
Quinn takes Santana to a large rock overlooking the ocean. It’s a glorious place. The sun is shining, the sea is glittering, there is a warm and gentle breeze. It’s summer and they’re seventeen years old.
Santana is lying in her bed in the hotel room. She touches her lips with her fingers. She feels how soft they are. It is the evening after the afternoon when she kissed Quinn Fabray. They had shared sandwiches and fruit salad up on the rock. Quinn had blushed a little when she admitted she had brought food for Santana too and that she had really hoped Santana would come with her. That was when Santana leaned forward and kissed Quinn on the lips. She hadn’t meant to. It just happened. And ten minutes later they were still kissing.
The next day Santana sneaks away after breakfast. She tells her parents she is going to see a friend. She lies when they ask if the friend is from the camping park. She tells them it’s a girl from one of the other hotels.
Quinn has borrowed Artie’s boat again and they go to a different island this time. Quinn is wearing a light blue polka dot dress. Her hair is held back with a hair band. She looks like a 50’s movie star. Santana is almost afraid to look at her too much. Maybe yesterday was just a dream. But as they cast off Quinn kisses her and tells her how happy she is to have Santana all to herself all day.
Quinn brings them to a beach on a small island. She has brought large beach towels that she lays out on the sand. Really close to each other. She’s wearing a bikini under her dress and when she takes it off Santana can’t help staring.
“Like what you see?” Quinn says with a playful smile on her face. Santana nods, unable to speak. She’s never allowed herself look at a girl like this before. She may or may not have wanted to but she never has. Quinn is slender but toned. Her skin is golden from exposure to the sun. She has perky breasts and Santana blushes a little when she looks at them. Quinn watches her watching. Then she comes towards Santana. Again she doesn’t stop until they are pressed against each other. Slowly Quinn puts her arms around Santana and kisses her. Slowly but intently. Santana feels energy radiating from Quinn, she feels like she’s being infused with life. As they lay down on the towels Santana’s life changes. They are so tender and so young. Their excitement makes them bold and under a sunlit clear blue sky they become lovers.
Santana lays naked on her back and watches the sky. Quinn lies with her head on Santana’s chest and listens to her heart beating. Suddenly Santana start giggling. It makes Quinn’s head bob up and down.
“What?”
“Nothing..” Santana continues to giggle.
“Come on! Tell me!” Quinn looks up at Santana.
“It.. It’s just... I was wondering before what your natural hair colour is and well, it occurred to me that now I know, Blondie!” Santana can’t stop giggling while Quinn sits up and stares at her in disbelief.
“You! You… I cannot believe you said that!” Her cheeks are flushed.
Santana quickly gets up to run away and Quinn gives chase. They run around on the beach until Santana heads for the water, shrieking, running straight into the sea. She hasn’t skinny dipped since she was seven.
“How can you afford living in the trailer? Do you work?” They’re lying on the towels, facing the sun and holding hands.
“No, I have some money. Actually, my mom helps out. My dad doesn’t know. He’d be furious if he found out. I talk to her on the phone sometimes and send postcards.”
“Don’t you ever miss them?” Santana knows she’d miss her mother and maybe even her father sometimes.
“Yeah. I miss them. But my dad doesn’t want to see me so it doesn’t really matter where I am as far as he’s concerned.” Santana can hear the sadness.
“Do you mind me asking why he doesn’t want to see you? Is it because you’re gay?”
Quinn props herself up on one elbow and smiles at Santana. “No. I don’t know if I’m gay. The gayest thing I’ve ever done, I did with you about an hour ago.”
Santana can’t think about that. She regrets asking about Quinn being gay. It makes all the big questions form inside her head.
“I got pregnant and I had a little girl. My upstanding-member-of-society-father, good Christian lawyer, Mister James Fabray, could not handle that. So he threw me out. Shit happens.” Quinn lies down again. Santana’s grip on her hand tightens.
“Is your name Quinn Fabray?” Santana wants to ask about the baby but she’s obviously not at the camping park so she leaves the subject alone.
“Yes.”
“I’m Santana Lopez.”
“I am very pleased to have met you Santana Lopez. Very pleased.” Quinn turns to her side and kisses Santana tenderly.
It’s already evening when they get back. Santana knows Doctor Lopez is going to be angry but she doesn’t care. However angry he gets, today was worth it.
She’s surprised to find that her father contents himself with grunting about her making dinner time tomorrow or else. She spends the rest of the evening with her brother and some people he hangs out with at the hotel.
)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(
They see each other every day. Quinn brings her out in Artie’s boat and they go for drives in her old Ford. Santana feels free and carefree. She smokes Quinn’s cigarettes, drinks cocktails Sam mixes and when Quinn goes down on her she goes to heaven. When she lies in Quinn’s arms she knows she’s where she’s supposed to be.
One evening Quinn is unusually quiet. They’re lying in the bed in the trailer. Quinn watches the smoke rise from her mouth and she exhales.
“I was thinking… You know, when you leave. Please don’t tell me when it is ‘cos I don’t want to say goodbye to you. Would you do that for me?”
Santana has worked hard to push all the unpleasant questions and thoughts into a small dark compartment of her brain. Now they’re out in the open again. She swallows hard.
“I wish this summer would never end,” is all she can bring herself to say.
“I’ve fallen for you.” Quinn is whispering now. “For real.” Santana sees a tear trickle down the side of Quinn’s face. “Have you… Do you…” Quinn closes her eyes and draws in a ragged breath.
Santana leans forward and whispers into Quinn’s ear. “Yes. I have. I do. For real.”
)()()()()()()()()()()()()()(
“Don’t wander off too far now! The transfer bus will be here in two hours and you’d better be here in time.” Doctor Lopez raises a finger and looks at Santana as she passes him in the hotel lobby. She rolls her eyes.
“Yes daddy.” She keeps walking. A few minutes later she’s left the hotel area and walks down the path by the edge of the beach towards the camping park. The scent of the sea fills her nostrils and the warm breeze caresses her skin that has gone a dark bronze colour in the summer sun. She tries not to think about the fact that this may be the last time she goes to visit the park and all the things that notion entails.
As she walks through the gates she heads straight for Quinn’s trailer. She finds it locked and deserted. Maybe Quinn’s gone to the market. She never mentioned anything about going somewhere today. She decides to go find Sam in the meantime. She’ll just wait for Quinn to come back.
Sam’s sitting by the table outside his trailer as usual. He seems to be working on a new song. He looks up when she calls out to him.
“Hey!” She hasn’t told him either that she’s going home today. He looks at her but doesn’t say anything. Then he gets up leaves the guitar leaning against the table. He steps inside the trailer but returns a minute later with something in his hand.
“Hey,” he says and sounds a little awkward. “I know you’re going home today. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry to see you go.”
“How did you know?” She looks at him and feels the void grow inside of her at a sickening rate. “How long have you known?”
“I know Quinn told you not to tell her when you were going. But I guess the part of her that needed to know was stronger. She knows a guy who works at the reception at your hotel. She asked him to check how long you were staying. She’s known for about a week.”
Santana closes her eyes in attempt to process what Sam’s just said. Quinn knew!
With an unsteady voice she asks “Where is she?”
Sam looks down at his feet. “She left. She packed all night and left at dawn.”
The void swallows Santana whole. She doesn’t realise she’s crying.
“Where did she go?”
“She said she was heading back east. She said it was time.” Sam wipes a small tear from his eye. “I’ll miss her. That’s for sure.” He holds out a white envelope. “She asked me to give you this.”
Santana takes the envelope but doesn’t open it. Sam steps forward and pulls her into a hug.
“Goodbye Santana. I hope to see you again sometime. It’s been a pleasure.” He feels her squeezing him a little harder.
Five hours later she is on a plane on her way home. She made sure to get a window seat and ever since they took off, she’s been staring out the window. In her hand is Quinn’s unopened letter. It’s time.
Slowly she opens it and pulls out the folded piece of paper.
“Santana,
I hope you’ll forgive me. I couldn’t keep my nerve. As you’re reading this, I’m probably in my car or in some shabby wayside diner, on my way eastwards.
I’m writing this so that you’ll know that I didn’t just leave out of carelessness. There is nothing casual about my leaving. On the contrary.
You are my first true love. Whoever I meet in the future, whatever they will mean to me, you will always hold that title. Know that.
Quinn”