(no subject)
I fucking hate my life, so, so much.
It's so hard to live without parents.
My dad hasn't spoken to me in years, except of course with his fists.
My mother doesn't do anything. Doesn't give a shit. Doesn't pay for anything. Doesn't do ANYTHING. I cook for her, I clean for her, I fucking do everything for the lazy bitch. She has the easiest fucking job in the world and comes home "so tired" everyday after working 3 fucking hours, if you can even call it working, she sits on her ass answering phones and faxing shit. I've done it. It's easy. Only the lazy ass gets paid twice as much as I did. Because she's old and stupid or something.
I'm trying to figure out my life. I need to go to college. I WANT to go to art school, but I've somehow only just realized that I'm a terrible artist, have no material for a portfolio...etc etc etc.
I have NO chance of getting in to art school.
I've never LIKED anything else. I'm not good at ANYTHING.
WHAT THE HELL DO I DO!?
Aren't you supposed to go to college to LEARN?
Why do you have to be skilled to get in?
I hate my life so much, it just HURTS.
I'm sitting here like wincing, it just HURTS SO FUCKING BAD to be alive.
And yet I still want to more than anything.
I just don't understand how she can not care at all.
All she cares about is how she looks. She's always willing to sacrifice my anything just so she doesn't look bad. FUCK HER, it's MY life, and I'm YOUR child, your fucking RESPONSIBILITY, so get off your stupid lazy ass and HELP ME.
I hate you.
I hate them both.
SO much.
I want PARENTS damnit!
I want anyone who cares about me.
I want a life.
I don't want to be sick.
I want friends.
I don't want to be hated.
I want a boyfriend, I want to be loved.
I don't want to be someone's slut.
I hate my life...I hate it so much, so why am I holding on to it so tightly? Because it's all I have? The concept, not the actual substance.
The fact is...
I might die soon.
I might have to do it myself.
I might might might get treated...
...but probably not.
I'm so sick of odds being so against me.
HOW can I possibly deserve this? EVERYTHING is BAD.
So bad...
...with no hope in sight.
There's nothing to hope for...everything's so impossible.
I've always just wanted to live.
That's not so much to ask, is it? Everyone else gets to do it.
DAMNIT I hate it so much.
I hate my life so much.
I need HELP, more than ever, and NOBODY is helping me.
I'm not Alive.