necessities.
i want:
my own reliable transportation. i am tired of being dependent on others to get me to and from. also, it's really hard to give out so much gas money when you only make minimum wage. and it's not their responsibility.
to be independent. i want responsibilty. i want to know what it feels like to start with nothing and work my way up. i want that gradification.
my boyfriend to act like a boyfriend again. to care. i fear that he now only views me as someone who is convenient. that he only sees me as a fuck when i'm not bleeding. and that makes him sound horrible, but he's not at all. i know he cares. i just rarely see it. i want him to make an effort. do something random just because i like it. i make those sacrifices for him whenever i can, i'd just like something in return. i want him to repsect my wishes. it is NOT okay that a girl stays the night while i'm not there. i understand it's his apartment, but i'm not comfortable with it. he should respect that and he doesn't. i want to stop getting the feeling that he's lying to me just so i don't come over. i want to be able to put some trust into our relationship, rather than the fear that he'll cheat or hurt me (emotionally, not psychically). i want to know that i'm just as big of a part of his life as he is in mine. i want him to open up to me, stop holding so much back. i want him to talk to me more throughout the day instead of the random texts i get from him or the lack of replies to mine. i want him to drive me crazy. i want him to make me show him the real me, and vica versa.
a better job. one i can actually make a decent living off of. one that i actually enjoy working at.
to stop being so confusing and ridiculous.
my friends to clean up and stop being junkies.
to leave this town and start over where no one knows me. i want to force myself to grow up. and get over the petty things.
to be open with my addiction to self mutilation without feeling like i'm being judged, without people asking me why, what's wrong, telling me they're here for me, blaming my addiction on their unhappiness.
to be more social in my community, but i feel like i have no time.
time to be more social in my community.
people to look and me and notice a change, people to look up to me.
to look in the mirror and see someone i like.
to look inside myself and see more than the beauty i find in my insanity.
to go to more shows and become more active in what's left of the scene in this town.
to acting so childish at my job. i want my coworkers and the guests to know that i'm serious and that they can't walk all over me. actually, i want everyone who sees me and/or meets me to know that.
my parents to be proud of me, to understand me, to stop feeling like they need to pray or read a fucking psychology book to understand me, i want them to accept me as who i am rather than the qualities they don't like or understand.
to get motivated enough to push myself through this phase of writer's block. and when i cross that bridge, i want to give nesbit a book of writing that moves him. and i want him to give it to those people who asked for it, and it want it to move them. and possibly earn a scholorship specifically for my honest words. and i want them to love it so much that they actually do publish it like they're considering. and when it gets published, i want whom ever read it to be moved.
to get the apprenticing job at the tatty shop so i can possibly become a tattoo artist and peircer. then, i can dress how i want, look how i want, live how i really want to live.
people to realize how beautiful emotions are instead of critisizing me for expressing them too much, putting them out there to easily.
honesty.
her to learn her place and respect my wishes.
my friends to call me first.
mama to get what she needs in rehab and stay clean when she gets out.
to see as much as i can while i'm young. i want to learn.
people to realize i'm taking advantage (not for granted) of the things they give me. i want them to know how much i appreciate them.
my own reliable transportation. i am tired of being dependent on others to get me to and from. also, it's really hard to give out so much gas money when you only make minimum wage. and it's not their responsibility.
to be independent. i want responsibilty. i want to know what it feels like to start with nothing and work my way up. i want that gradification.
my boyfriend to act like a boyfriend again. to care. i fear that he now only views me as someone who is convenient. that he only sees me as a fuck when i'm not bleeding. and that makes him sound horrible, but he's not at all. i know he cares. i just rarely see it. i want him to make an effort. do something random just because i like it. i make those sacrifices for him whenever i can, i'd just like something in return. i want him to repsect my wishes. it is NOT okay that a girl stays the night while i'm not there. i understand it's his apartment, but i'm not comfortable with it. he should respect that and he doesn't. i want to stop getting the feeling that he's lying to me just so i don't come over. i want to be able to put some trust into our relationship, rather than the fear that he'll cheat or hurt me (emotionally, not psychically). i want to know that i'm just as big of a part of his life as he is in mine. i want him to open up to me, stop holding so much back. i want him to talk to me more throughout the day instead of the random texts i get from him or the lack of replies to mine. i want him to drive me crazy. i want him to make me show him the real me, and vica versa.
a better job. one i can actually make a decent living off of. one that i actually enjoy working at.
to stop being so confusing and ridiculous.
my friends to clean up and stop being junkies.
to leave this town and start over where no one knows me. i want to force myself to grow up. and get over the petty things.
to be open with my addiction to self mutilation without feeling like i'm being judged, without people asking me why, what's wrong, telling me they're here for me, blaming my addiction on their unhappiness.
to be more social in my community, but i feel like i have no time.
time to be more social in my community.
people to look and me and notice a change, people to look up to me.
to look in the mirror and see someone i like.
to look inside myself and see more than the beauty i find in my insanity.
to go to more shows and become more active in what's left of the scene in this town.
to acting so childish at my job. i want my coworkers and the guests to know that i'm serious and that they can't walk all over me. actually, i want everyone who sees me and/or meets me to know that.
my parents to be proud of me, to understand me, to stop feeling like they need to pray or read a fucking psychology book to understand me, i want them to accept me as who i am rather than the qualities they don't like or understand.
to get motivated enough to push myself through this phase of writer's block. and when i cross that bridge, i want to give nesbit a book of writing that moves him. and i want him to give it to those people who asked for it, and it want it to move them. and possibly earn a scholorship specifically for my honest words. and i want them to love it so much that they actually do publish it like they're considering. and when it gets published, i want whom ever read it to be moved.
to get the apprenticing job at the tatty shop so i can possibly become a tattoo artist and peircer. then, i can dress how i want, look how i want, live how i really want to live.
people to realize how beautiful emotions are instead of critisizing me for expressing them too much, putting them out there to easily.
honesty.
her to learn her place and respect my wishes.
my friends to call me first.
mama to get what she needs in rehab and stay clean when she gets out.
to see as much as i can while i'm young. i want to learn.
people to realize i'm taking advantage (not for granted) of the things they give me. i want them to know how much i appreciate them.