I HAVE A LIFE!!!!!

[starstyle987]

Ok so now that Rocky and Tanzen are over I have a life and i am so excited about this. I can work more which equals money which i love. The show went good this weekend didnt bust my ass on those turns yay for me!!! So this weekend was real hard for me. This friday marks the 5 month day from when my grandpa died and it was the first snow fall we had. lets say during a dance which was dedicated to a friend who died this year made me think of my grandpa and the things that i lost this year. I dont feel like im myself lately i feel lost and i dont know how to get back. And I cant rely on my friends or family to help me get there i have to do it myself and until i figure out how to do that i am not gonna be myself im someone different and to be honest i dont know if i want to be that girl i used to anymore. I became lonely when i was that girl well until i had that certin person and then when i lost him i became lonely again and I feel like everyone i care about or love always leaves me. Not in a death way but sometimes. First it was my grandma and then my dog had to be put to sleep then i graduated and i lost my best friend who goes to school almost an hour away then i pretty much lost all of my friends from high school...I mean i have friends now but its not the same. Then my grandpa dies and i had someone who helped and who was there for me then he left. So i feel like im this horrible being because people either leave me or someone takes them from me. I have so many trust issues right now. Someone was strong now to break them down and have me trust and love them but now those walls are back up and i have a hard time trusting people with my heart. And its not because he was my first boyfriend it's because i could trust you with my life and i knew you wouldnt hurt it or break....boy was i wrong. I dont hate you, I' not mad at you, I just dont want to be lied to. I know its none of my buissness anymore, but its still hard its only been a month and i still feel something inside of me that wont go away. My head is telling me to let go but my heart wont let me, I dont know why it wont and I hate it that I make you feel like an asshole thats not what I wanted. You did what you did because you felt it was the right thing to do. Maybe in your head it was but my head and my heart cant figure out why you did this. I was so happy and i thought I made u happy I guess that changed real quick. I cant help asking myself what is so wrong with me why dont you want me anymore. You told me you miss me you told me you think about me. I believe you. But if u read this and now that i am crying like an idiot....Did I not make u happy in the end? Was I someone you looked at and said god why was i with her to being with? I need to know because i feel so ugly right now that I can't figure out what is wrong with me.
Am I not pretty enough?
Am I pretty at all?
Am I to fat?
Am I to young?
Am I to dumb?
what I need to know and I think that it is unfair to me for you not to give me a reason. It's a cop out and I dont think I understand. Why is it that when you broke up with me you told me we would be friends and I cant help wonder if you want anything to do with me at all?

ok wow where all that came from I dont know but it needed out so there it is everyone. Im gonna say sorry even though I shouldnt but thats who I am. I just need to know I need to be assured with that said I am going to go eat something.