(no subject)
Lately I've been having the most horrible thoughts enter my brain. I'm drifting from everything there is in my life. I'm far gone. I look at the beginning of my junior year as the starting point. I think I had entered it already deciding that I wanted things to change, at school, at home, everywhere I usually was. I stopped trying to hide that I was two faced, that I lived seperate lives, had seperate friends who knew nothing about the other. I blended to where I wanted to be and lost everything that should have been precious to me, but wasn't. I lost my "best friend" who was probably my worst friend. We titled ourselves this because it was familliarity and it was usual, what it had always been. We had been through middle school, sharing those immature giggly midnight-4am talks, checking out boys wherever we went, and always having a poor boy to obsess over. We rarely ever got them, but when we did..one of us abandoned the other. Sure we tried the whole double dating thing, but it's hard to connect with someone on relationships when they're standards are different from yours. Its hard to talk about how this boy makes you feel when he puts his hand on the small of your back or says something so intimate that your breath gets taken away. So I let my "best friend" go. Sure I called her a few times to see how she was, but other than that, I left it on a hat rack, just to pass by and not notice when i left the room. I lost another best friend as well, but this one was because of him. Everything was going good I thought. I felt myself opening up to him more, feeling things I had never felt with someone else, and it was getting harder to say goodnight. But it all just stopped. He stopped calling, stopped coming over, stopped everything. And then one day i heard it was over. I lost my best friend and boyfriend in the same day. Who do you turn to for that? Beer. Lots of it. Didn't help though. The next few months were spent dating casually, never getting too close emotionally, but testing my limits physically. I didn't want a relationship, not because I was scared of being dumped, but because none of these boys seemed special enough. None met the standards. They were just nice bodies, with beautiful eyes. Then I got a job because I was tired of depending on my mom for everything and have her throw it back in my face every time we fought, which was a lot. So I started working, getting money, bought a car, felt good. I worked Sunday mornings though which meant no more church which meant...THANK GOD..or well not god...but ...THANK! But my mom has seen through my "I can't go..I have to work" excuse and knows that I lost any interest in religion, if I ever even had an interest at all. So we fought about all of this a lot, for a few hours of screaming, yelling, crying, awkward silence, and mutterings. So i think I am moving out. I'll probably live with my sister but if not I'll be bumming off friends for a while. I can buy my own meals and pay for my own gas... I just need a bed to sleep in, thats all. Any offers?
Thanks for reading all this.
Abby