[spring fever] [nevereverland]
it's about to rain.
i want it to pour, i want to be caught, for once, in a torrential downpour. i want to feel the thunder, see the lightning, feel the fear/adrenaline coursing through my body.
but it doesn't rain.
somehow i want to cry.
but the tears don't reach my eyes, no matter how many heartwrenching songs i ask my ipod to play for me. they stay, stuck in my throat and i don't know why they're there.
there are three little boys playing on top of the...i don't even know what it is called. some sort of structure, boxy and made of stone. seven feet tall, maybe more or less. they are so small and i remember years ago, seeing boys play up there on their rollerblades. i was scared of them. not scared really, maybe intimidated. i knew one of them[trevor] and i didn't like him. he acted too old, taking about girls with nice asses and french kissing. we were only 11. maybe 12. but now there are boys playing up there and they are so young but they can't be younger than 11. or maybe 12. and i miss it, i miss being intimidated by the boys up there because now trevor tries to be charming and the little boys still play on the...i will never know what to call it.
i hope no one ever falls.
i still want it to rain and as guitars strum through my consciousness and a few raindrops fall i think that maybe maybe maybe now i can run through the rain, flip flops slapping the ground and mascara running down my cheeks.
it doesn't rain.
but the clouds look threatening enough and everything is green and fresh.
it smells like rain.
it smells like spring.
the tears are still stuck.
remember this, i tell my self, remember this feeling. but the song changes and the feeling is gone. the rain feeling. the feeling that nothing will ever be the same again.
i want to be free.
i don't know what freedom is really but i want it still.
perhaps a wild animal, crouching in the brush.
but they have too much to worry about.
i think freedom is not having to worry about anything.
ever.
ever.
ever.
i miss endless days. i miss when 10 minutes was enough.
it's not enough, it's never enough,
now,
nothing will ever be enough.
the tears are gone now, the fleeting pain a dimming memory. but i want them back. i want to remember the feeling, remember the feeling where suddenly the trees were too green and my world was too big.
it smells like rain.
it smells like freedom.
but it's not.
i want it to pour, i want to be caught, for once, in a torrential downpour. i want to feel the thunder, see the lightning, feel the fear/adrenaline coursing through my body.
but it doesn't rain.
somehow i want to cry.
but the tears don't reach my eyes, no matter how many heartwrenching songs i ask my ipod to play for me. they stay, stuck in my throat and i don't know why they're there.
there are three little boys playing on top of the...i don't even know what it is called. some sort of structure, boxy and made of stone. seven feet tall, maybe more or less. they are so small and i remember years ago, seeing boys play up there on their rollerblades. i was scared of them. not scared really, maybe intimidated. i knew one of them[trevor] and i didn't like him. he acted too old, taking about girls with nice asses and french kissing. we were only 11. maybe 12. but now there are boys playing up there and they are so young but they can't be younger than 11. or maybe 12. and i miss it, i miss being intimidated by the boys up there because now trevor tries to be charming and the little boys still play on the...i will never know what to call it.
i hope no one ever falls.
i still want it to rain and as guitars strum through my consciousness and a few raindrops fall i think that maybe maybe maybe now i can run through the rain, flip flops slapping the ground and mascara running down my cheeks.
it doesn't rain.
but the clouds look threatening enough and everything is green and fresh.
it smells like rain.
it smells like spring.
the tears are still stuck.
remember this, i tell my self, remember this feeling. but the song changes and the feeling is gone. the rain feeling. the feeling that nothing will ever be the same again.
i want to be free.
i don't know what freedom is really but i want it still.
perhaps a wild animal, crouching in the brush.
but they have too much to worry about.
i think freedom is not having to worry about anything.
ever.
ever.
ever.
i miss endless days. i miss when 10 minutes was enough.
it's not enough, it's never enough,
now,
nothing will ever be enough.
the tears are gone now, the fleeting pain a dimming memory. but i want them back. i want to remember the feeling, remember the feeling where suddenly the trees were too green and my world was too big.
it smells like rain.
it smells like freedom.
but it's not.