thoughts..
I thought about just editing my other entry but eh.
Every so often I left my mind go down strange avenues of thought and i figured this one is a good one to follow.
I've had several interesting conversations with people over the past few days on the subject of relationships. How they stay together. How they fall apart. I'm obviously not going to give specifics, but it got me thinking.
It seems like so often people are tempted by the "new". Things are settled, one person meets someone new who they think might be better. Someone put it as "being scared of what being with one person forever meant". And I instantly thought back to this summer and everything that's happened to. I wonder if it takes any amount of courage to admit to yourself that you're afraid of forever. It's a reasonable enough fear to have, but what happens when you admit it to yourself. It seems like too often the only answer people reach for is that they need to break away from that foreverness and try something new. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesnt. And it seems like no matter how it turns out, so many people get hurt on the way there.
It can happen to the most secure seeming of relationships too. That's the scary part. Why should we be afraid of forever? It seems like a silly thing to fear. Silly, but valid. The question of "have a reached my maximal happiness? is this what i want for the rest of my life?" There's not real way to answer that I suppose. All you can do is hang out for the ride.
I think to a certain extent that may have been what happened with me. The thought of forever terrified me. I'd never been with anyone else and the thought that Id reached the goal of happiness... It didn't seem right to me. i'm suspicious by nature. surely the answer isn't that easy? One thing I can think now is, maybe it WAS that easy. but in the process of doubting, i lost the happiness that i had grasped. doubt is another one of those things that can save as much as it ruins things. I turned the idea over and over in my head. Was I ready to accept that I had found the true love that would sustain me... forever? And then you have the fear.
When i think of forever i think of a void. An endless black tunnel that stretches out, you can't see where it's going but you have to keep heading towards the end. it's infinite yet presses down around me, muffling all sound. The type of place where 2 people can be talking to each other and it all sounds muffled, even to the people talking. i've always been a visual thinker...
I dunno. It just kinda hits close to me sometimes when people talk to me of these things. I start analyzing everything. Reliving the moments that have taken me here. When I acted on the fear of forever and started a course to now. It ended well for me. It is ending well. I've already seen it not end well. I'm seeing it in progress. I'm happy now, I know I am and I'm not so quick to doubt how easy it is. Because thinking back... it's not really that easy. It takes work to build anything. Far more work that it takes to break things down.
On Monday Jacob and I will have been together 4 months. I said it last month and I say it again. Everyday I wonder how I got this lucky. I still hold onto the sliver of faith that says I'm capable of staying in a relationship without killing things. It's been growing every so slightly with the weeks. So hopefully... when the day comes that I once again have to face forever... I wont be as quick to run away. The answer lies somewhere in that endless void... all I can do it keep moving towards it. Maybe I'll find it. Maybe I won't. But at least I can know that I'll have someone with me for the journey.
Every so often I left my mind go down strange avenues of thought and i figured this one is a good one to follow.
I've had several interesting conversations with people over the past few days on the subject of relationships. How they stay together. How they fall apart. I'm obviously not going to give specifics, but it got me thinking.
It seems like so often people are tempted by the "new". Things are settled, one person meets someone new who they think might be better. Someone put it as "being scared of what being with one person forever meant". And I instantly thought back to this summer and everything that's happened to. I wonder if it takes any amount of courage to admit to yourself that you're afraid of forever. It's a reasonable enough fear to have, but what happens when you admit it to yourself. It seems like too often the only answer people reach for is that they need to break away from that foreverness and try something new. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesnt. And it seems like no matter how it turns out, so many people get hurt on the way there.
It can happen to the most secure seeming of relationships too. That's the scary part. Why should we be afraid of forever? It seems like a silly thing to fear. Silly, but valid. The question of "have a reached my maximal happiness? is this what i want for the rest of my life?" There's not real way to answer that I suppose. All you can do is hang out for the ride.
I think to a certain extent that may have been what happened with me. The thought of forever terrified me. I'd never been with anyone else and the thought that Id reached the goal of happiness... It didn't seem right to me. i'm suspicious by nature. surely the answer isn't that easy? One thing I can think now is, maybe it WAS that easy. but in the process of doubting, i lost the happiness that i had grasped. doubt is another one of those things that can save as much as it ruins things. I turned the idea over and over in my head. Was I ready to accept that I had found the true love that would sustain me... forever? And then you have the fear.
When i think of forever i think of a void. An endless black tunnel that stretches out, you can't see where it's going but you have to keep heading towards the end. it's infinite yet presses down around me, muffling all sound. The type of place where 2 people can be talking to each other and it all sounds muffled, even to the people talking. i've always been a visual thinker...
I dunno. It just kinda hits close to me sometimes when people talk to me of these things. I start analyzing everything. Reliving the moments that have taken me here. When I acted on the fear of forever and started a course to now. It ended well for me. It is ending well. I've already seen it not end well. I'm seeing it in progress. I'm happy now, I know I am and I'm not so quick to doubt how easy it is. Because thinking back... it's not really that easy. It takes work to build anything. Far more work that it takes to break things down.
On Monday Jacob and I will have been together 4 months. I said it last month and I say it again. Everyday I wonder how I got this lucky. I still hold onto the sliver of faith that says I'm capable of staying in a relationship without killing things. It's been growing every so slightly with the weeks. So hopefully... when the day comes that I once again have to face forever... I wont be as quick to run away. The answer lies somewhere in that endless void... all I can do it keep moving towards it. Maybe I'll find it. Maybe I won't. But at least I can know that I'll have someone with me for the journey.