driving to clearer skies...
and yes I did...
(Written on the beach Long Sands, York Beach, Maine (1:16am) now posting due to lack of internet signal and time)
My mind told me to leave and my escape was to here. I wont let myself beat myself up. So i am going to write. and I am going to write here. I've wanted to go to the beach this sumer at night and I never had.. so this is why I do now. There is so much on my mind that I dont even know where to begin. I am scared that I cannot write here because I dont want to get picked up or talked to. but regardless. I did not come here for nothing. I love how my shadow looks on the wall right now and I never once thought Id be briging my laptop to a place like this the sky is amazing and well looking at it makes me feel just soo good. hearing the loud crash of the ocean waves just puts me in this state... being alone is the scary part though.. because in this world of uncertainty and well.. you know. Ive been pondering on life alot lately and what my purpose is/ should be. I havent yet came up with it yet but when i do... well I think I have. I need to learn that life is alot more than the things I used to think it was. I need to know what MY purpose is. things happen for reasons and the people you meet i life you meet for reasons. I will never know what could be or what could have been unless the attempt was made. In my path to self discovery I struggle. Its hard for me. Being alone isn't something I am used to but this trip was worth it. as the song Monster puts it best "Gotta go through pain in order to become you". I've been through a lot of mental pain in my life time and I used to not be able to even cope with it. i've recently learned how to deal with it a lot better than before. Im thankful I can because my only option before was just to die. Obviously I haven't because that really is the easy way out. I wont take that route ever in life because its not my desired path. I used to dream of just graduating college and having that perfect guy along with me and just getting married and have a job follow. THIS didn't happen and prob wont anytime soon and I have to accept that. The job part is going to come first and I have to take all of this self doubt out of my head and just be 100% confident in what I can do. Now that real life is here ive had to rewire my head. In school you get to dream a lot because you can because school is your only dedication at that time... now that I have no dedications... really... its like a slap in the face to wake the fuck up. Like.... I cant be reliant on anyone but myself any more. No more boyfriend to rely on... not that I want one because I can say I want want want all I want... but I CANT. This is my opportunity to learn how to deal with myself by myself. If I cant ever do that than no one can ever do that . Even though there is nothing wrong being in a relationship with someone because deep down a lot of people do truly want that but there are times in life where you need to mend your own relationship with yourself no matter how many times something or someone is just dangled right in front of your face. Temptations are hard, and caving in is always a thought... but I think Im going to just keep taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back till I get where i want to be. even tho if I kept doing that I wouldn't be getting far. I know what I want. well some of what I want. number one being to be happy. and whatever it is that makes me happy wont matter as long as Im happy. and finding that true happiness hasnt come because Im not doing what I want to be doing. I hate when Im alone some nights and i just want to cry. or when I wake up in the morning panicking because Im not happy at that current moment and i dont want to face why. There are things going on with me that I have to face that I have to handle that I have to be an adult and just do. Because no one can do anything for me anymore. and now is the time to face life's issues and handle them and just stop worrying even tho my worrying cant really ever stop I can just hide it alot better than before and try to cope with it by myself better.
I need to stop writing in such long paragraphs. and its hard for me to break that stuff up into paragraphs. don't you hate when something is soo good and soo crappy at the same damn time but you do it anyway despite the bad that isn't really that bad at the moment but could be? if that made any since. Well I guess we live and and we learn from living. but after I let my mind scatter... Ideally in life one of my top goals is to get my book published. I work on it a lot but no progress in the publishing game I need to go to the library and sit down and get everything together and organized only then will things come together. I also want an established graphic design career and between the both i will become known and I will live the good life if you will. Its all in who you know and who I chose to collaborate with. I don't think i can do it just on my own but I WILL. no more doubts no more. I want people to read about life and my life and the whole mental process of things. I want teens (15-19) to read my book and know they aren't alone in the world and to know that life is worth living. If only i had that to go by things might not have been as rough. Publishing a novel/journal entry based book (fine diary) if u will but I don't think of it as such. Ever since 3rd grade yes, 3rd grade Ive been dedicated to writing my life down either in 1st or 3rd person and recored and written and typed in various ways but all the major events are mostly written most having to do with guys and friends in my life but all of it makes me WHO i am now. i can go look back on all of those things i've written and just see that. its a work in progress my book and myself. I just need to make it happen. Though some of it very personal. Driving here made my racing thoughts calm and now that I want to write them down its hard for me to dig em back up. so now I will sit and adore this calming beach with these sparkly stars alone on one of the few last days of my real last summer. I dont know what could be more beautiful than this.....
(Written on the beach Long Sands, York Beach, Maine (1:16am) now posting due to lack of internet signal and time)
My mind told me to leave and my escape was to here. I wont let myself beat myself up. So i am going to write. and I am going to write here. I've wanted to go to the beach this sumer at night and I never had.. so this is why I do now. There is so much on my mind that I dont even know where to begin. I am scared that I cannot write here because I dont want to get picked up or talked to. but regardless. I did not come here for nothing. I love how my shadow looks on the wall right now and I never once thought Id be briging my laptop to a place like this the sky is amazing and well looking at it makes me feel just soo good. hearing the loud crash of the ocean waves just puts me in this state... being alone is the scary part though.. because in this world of uncertainty and well.. you know. Ive been pondering on life alot lately and what my purpose is/ should be. I havent yet came up with it yet but when i do... well I think I have. I need to learn that life is alot more than the things I used to think it was. I need to know what MY purpose is. things happen for reasons and the people you meet i life you meet for reasons. I will never know what could be or what could have been unless the attempt was made. In my path to self discovery I struggle. Its hard for me. Being alone isn't something I am used to but this trip was worth it. as the song Monster puts it best "Gotta go through pain in order to become you". I've been through a lot of mental pain in my life time and I used to not be able to even cope with it. i've recently learned how to deal with it a lot better than before. Im thankful I can because my only option before was just to die. Obviously I haven't because that really is the easy way out. I wont take that route ever in life because its not my desired path. I used to dream of just graduating college and having that perfect guy along with me and just getting married and have a job follow. THIS didn't happen and prob wont anytime soon and I have to accept that. The job part is going to come first and I have to take all of this self doubt out of my head and just be 100% confident in what I can do. Now that real life is here ive had to rewire my head. In school you get to dream a lot because you can because school is your only dedication at that time... now that I have no dedications... really... its like a slap in the face to wake the fuck up. Like.... I cant be reliant on anyone but myself any more. No more boyfriend to rely on... not that I want one because I can say I want want want all I want... but I CANT. This is my opportunity to learn how to deal with myself by myself. If I cant ever do that than no one can ever do that . Even though there is nothing wrong being in a relationship with someone because deep down a lot of people do truly want that but there are times in life where you need to mend your own relationship with yourself no matter how many times something or someone is just dangled right in front of your face. Temptations are hard, and caving in is always a thought... but I think Im going to just keep taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back till I get where i want to be. even tho if I kept doing that I wouldn't be getting far. I know what I want. well some of what I want. number one being to be happy. and whatever it is that makes me happy wont matter as long as Im happy. and finding that true happiness hasnt come because Im not doing what I want to be doing. I hate when Im alone some nights and i just want to cry. or when I wake up in the morning panicking because Im not happy at that current moment and i dont want to face why. There are things going on with me that I have to face that I have to handle that I have to be an adult and just do. Because no one can do anything for me anymore. and now is the time to face life's issues and handle them and just stop worrying even tho my worrying cant really ever stop I can just hide it alot better than before and try to cope with it by myself better.
I need to stop writing in such long paragraphs. and its hard for me to break that stuff up into paragraphs. don't you hate when something is soo good and soo crappy at the same damn time but you do it anyway despite the bad that isn't really that bad at the moment but could be? if that made any since. Well I guess we live and and we learn from living. but after I let my mind scatter... Ideally in life one of my top goals is to get my book published. I work on it a lot but no progress in the publishing game I need to go to the library and sit down and get everything together and organized only then will things come together. I also want an established graphic design career and between the both i will become known and I will live the good life if you will. Its all in who you know and who I chose to collaborate with. I don't think i can do it just on my own but I WILL. no more doubts no more. I want people to read about life and my life and the whole mental process of things. I want teens (15-19) to read my book and know they aren't alone in the world and to know that life is worth living. If only i had that to go by things might not have been as rough. Publishing a novel/journal entry based book (fine diary) if u will but I don't think of it as such. Ever since 3rd grade yes, 3rd grade Ive been dedicated to writing my life down either in 1st or 3rd person and recored and written and typed in various ways but all the major events are mostly written most having to do with guys and friends in my life but all of it makes me WHO i am now. i can go look back on all of those things i've written and just see that. its a work in progress my book and myself. I just need to make it happen. Though some of it very personal. Driving here made my racing thoughts calm and now that I want to write them down its hard for me to dig em back up. so now I will sit and adore this calming beach with these sparkly stars alone on one of the few last days of my real last summer. I dont know what could be more beautiful than this.....