(no subject)
'There is such endless need on earth-much more than we can ever know. Some of it is economic need, and some of it is social need, but in a deeper way it is all inner need brought into men's lives by the dark powers of injustice, murder and unfaithfulness. As disciples we are not promised comfortable and good times. Jesus says that we must deny ourselves and suffer with him and for him. This is the only way to follow him, but behind it lies the glory of life- the glowing love of God, which is so much greater than our hearts and our lives.'
I have to first apologize for it taking me so long to write each of you back. I have been extremely encouraged by each of your responses and have felt your prayers with me as I work. Your verses and encouragement were a much needed support during a time where I saw and felt more darkness than I did light. I wanted to write a second time, not to convince you that I have it all figured out, but to share with you some of the encouragement that God provided to me through these children during the last few weeks. All of you told me to focus on the small things, the little victories and the small rays of hope and light in these children. I have found some, and I wanted to share them.
It was a Friday night at the end of September, when Janette and I brought all the boys up to bed. They had been sleeping for about half an hour when I went in to do bedchecks with my flashlight and I noticed Jacob sitting up in bed with his hand raised shaking. 'Hey Jake,' I whispered, 'what's going on?' As I got closer, I noticed that his face was completely consumed in fear, with his eyes wide and his body closed up around him. 'Someone keeps calling my name,' he spat out. 'They keep saying Jacob...., Jacob....' I looked around the room to find all the children asleep and explained to him that there was no one whispering his name. 'No', he insisted, 'there is someone saying my name. I hear it, I hear the voice. Maybe it is under my bed, can you please check under my bed?' I shined the flashlight under his bed and showed him the empty space, as well as the sleeping children in the room and kept assuring him that he was safe and that there was no one in the room. He was unwillingly convinced. I told him that I was going to talk to Jannette for a minute and then get a chair and sit outside of his room to help him feel more safe.
As I walked to the end of the hallway to talk to Janette, I hear this completely terrified screaming coming from his room and turn to see him jumping off his bed, crying and yelling about how he saw him, he saw the man that was whispering his name, how he saw the face right there, he saw his head, this man with dark curly hair. I intercepted him in his running, bringing him to a chair, putting my arm tight around his body, running my hand through his hair, trying to calm his breathing and crying. For 30 minutes he continued about this man, and how he knew his face, and how he felt like the man was going to get him. I asked him more about the man and he connected it to a man who used to spend alot of time with him and only him, how he used to always ask to take him to the park and take him to his house and sometimes wouldn't bring him home. He spoke as if this were something he was remembering for the first time, surprised and confused by why this was bothering him so much at this time. During that time he saw the face twice more, becoming more and more distraught, shaking and curling in fear. (He has a history of sexual abuse that he has never spoken of and my thought was that he was experiencing some kind of repressed flashback from the incident.) We spoke some more of the man and of Jacob's relationship with him and then we together thought of other things that we could think of when he started thinking of this man, things that were comforting to think of (roses and playing basketball, he said). We took deep breaths together and Jacob was soon calm enough to lie back into his bed with a lamp near his bed and me sitting in front of his door. He fell asleep again after only 20 minutes.
I called the therapist to explain the situation and it was thought that one of his medications might be causing him to have auditory and visual hallicinations. He was taken off the medicine the following Monday and has not reported hearing any voices or faces since. I was really extremely encouraged by this situation and how even though I might not feel that I am making a dent in the mountain of need with these children, I was able to comfort someone who was very much afraid and be a part of getting his medicine changed so he would not suffer with these visions and voices. So often we see the angry, lashing side of these children, the side that is untrusting and vengeful. But God allowed me an opportunity to see how vulnerable these children really are and how much they long to feel safe and protected, despite their insistence that they can do everything themselves.
Another instance of encouragement came from a conversation with a 16 year old girl named Becca. She had attempted suicide this past Novemeber and was in treatment to help with these issues. I was blown away by the way that she described what happened and about the place that she is in now. She spoke with so much hope and so much focus on the positive in her life that I was simply blown away by her ability to overcome some very challenging circumstances. She told me, 'Yeah, sometimes I do catch myself being negative, thinking about all the things wrong in my life. But I really try to stop myself from saying and thinking negative things. Everytime I think a negative thing I say to myself, 'Shut-up Becca, you shouldn't be focusing on that right now. That's not where you want to be'." She smiled when she told me this, nodding her head in affirmation and I knew that she meant it, I knew that she was really, really trying to keep hope. We talked more her run-away and suicide and about how the people in our lives can have very strong influences on us. 'I lost my boyfriend and a lot of friends with everything that happened, but it's ok. I have my family. I have five people. And that's a lot. Some people don't have anyone, and I have five. I'm lucky."
And then there is Scott, age 12, who is thin enough to be a prisoner of the Holocaust. He stopped eating after being raped repeatedly by an older cousin. I talk with him often about making healthy choices for ourselves, about being bigger than what is inside of us telling us not to eat. He talks to me about "this terrible secret" and about how it is just growing inside of him, making him feel trapped. 'I just wish I was a super-hero, Miss Kathleen,' he expressed during one of our talks. 'And I would just bring peace to everyone and stop all the pain in the world and protect everyone from evil. I believe in peace, Miss Kathleen.' This was another needed example for me to see that not all of these children are completely consumed by what happened to them and are not out to cause the same pain to someone else. That despite the pain caused to them, they long to protect others from that and strive for peace in their lives and others.
I know these might sound like simple stories, but they were significantly monumental to my attitude at work. It is too easy to get discouraged and to think that the pain and the brokenness is bigger than God's mercy and light and love. I have been challenged daily to seek God first. To give the day first over to God and know that IT IS NOT ME that has the ability to make a difference in these children's life, IT IS CHRIST WITHIN ME. God really does long for us to give it all of our lives completely over to him. Its always funny of course that we never realize that until we get into situations where we are completely exhausted and drained from doing it ourselves and have no other choice but to go to God.
I thank-you again for your response to me and hope to keep you updated on how God is working with these children. Thank-you for your prayers for me and for them. They are needed.
"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'
"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'
"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'
"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."
I have to first apologize for it taking me so long to write each of you back. I have been extremely encouraged by each of your responses and have felt your prayers with me as I work. Your verses and encouragement were a much needed support during a time where I saw and felt more darkness than I did light. I wanted to write a second time, not to convince you that I have it all figured out, but to share with you some of the encouragement that God provided to me through these children during the last few weeks. All of you told me to focus on the small things, the little victories and the small rays of hope and light in these children. I have found some, and I wanted to share them.
It was a Friday night at the end of September, when Janette and I brought all the boys up to bed. They had been sleeping for about half an hour when I went in to do bedchecks with my flashlight and I noticed Jacob sitting up in bed with his hand raised shaking. 'Hey Jake,' I whispered, 'what's going on?' As I got closer, I noticed that his face was completely consumed in fear, with his eyes wide and his body closed up around him. 'Someone keeps calling my name,' he spat out. 'They keep saying Jacob...., Jacob....' I looked around the room to find all the children asleep and explained to him that there was no one whispering his name. 'No', he insisted, 'there is someone saying my name. I hear it, I hear the voice. Maybe it is under my bed, can you please check under my bed?' I shined the flashlight under his bed and showed him the empty space, as well as the sleeping children in the room and kept assuring him that he was safe and that there was no one in the room. He was unwillingly convinced. I told him that I was going to talk to Jannette for a minute and then get a chair and sit outside of his room to help him feel more safe.
As I walked to the end of the hallway to talk to Janette, I hear this completely terrified screaming coming from his room and turn to see him jumping off his bed, crying and yelling about how he saw him, he saw the man that was whispering his name, how he saw the face right there, he saw his head, this man with dark curly hair. I intercepted him in his running, bringing him to a chair, putting my arm tight around his body, running my hand through his hair, trying to calm his breathing and crying. For 30 minutes he continued about this man, and how he knew his face, and how he felt like the man was going to get him. I asked him more about the man and he connected it to a man who used to spend alot of time with him and only him, how he used to always ask to take him to the park and take him to his house and sometimes wouldn't bring him home. He spoke as if this were something he was remembering for the first time, surprised and confused by why this was bothering him so much at this time. During that time he saw the face twice more, becoming more and more distraught, shaking and curling in fear. (He has a history of sexual abuse that he has never spoken of and my thought was that he was experiencing some kind of repressed flashback from the incident.) We spoke some more of the man and of Jacob's relationship with him and then we together thought of other things that we could think of when he started thinking of this man, things that were comforting to think of (roses and playing basketball, he said). We took deep breaths together and Jacob was soon calm enough to lie back into his bed with a lamp near his bed and me sitting in front of his door. He fell asleep again after only 20 minutes.
I called the therapist to explain the situation and it was thought that one of his medications might be causing him to have auditory and visual hallicinations. He was taken off the medicine the following Monday and has not reported hearing any voices or faces since. I was really extremely encouraged by this situation and how even though I might not feel that I am making a dent in the mountain of need with these children, I was able to comfort someone who was very much afraid and be a part of getting his medicine changed so he would not suffer with these visions and voices. So often we see the angry, lashing side of these children, the side that is untrusting and vengeful. But God allowed me an opportunity to see how vulnerable these children really are and how much they long to feel safe and protected, despite their insistence that they can do everything themselves.
Another instance of encouragement came from a conversation with a 16 year old girl named Becca. She had attempted suicide this past Novemeber and was in treatment to help with these issues. I was blown away by the way that she described what happened and about the place that she is in now. She spoke with so much hope and so much focus on the positive in her life that I was simply blown away by her ability to overcome some very challenging circumstances. She told me, 'Yeah, sometimes I do catch myself being negative, thinking about all the things wrong in my life. But I really try to stop myself from saying and thinking negative things. Everytime I think a negative thing I say to myself, 'Shut-up Becca, you shouldn't be focusing on that right now. That's not where you want to be'." She smiled when she told me this, nodding her head in affirmation and I knew that she meant it, I knew that she was really, really trying to keep hope. We talked more her run-away and suicide and about how the people in our lives can have very strong influences on us. 'I lost my boyfriend and a lot of friends with everything that happened, but it's ok. I have my family. I have five people. And that's a lot. Some people don't have anyone, and I have five. I'm lucky."
And then there is Scott, age 12, who is thin enough to be a prisoner of the Holocaust. He stopped eating after being raped repeatedly by an older cousin. I talk with him often about making healthy choices for ourselves, about being bigger than what is inside of us telling us not to eat. He talks to me about "this terrible secret" and about how it is just growing inside of him, making him feel trapped. 'I just wish I was a super-hero, Miss Kathleen,' he expressed during one of our talks. 'And I would just bring peace to everyone and stop all the pain in the world and protect everyone from evil. I believe in peace, Miss Kathleen.' This was another needed example for me to see that not all of these children are completely consumed by what happened to them and are not out to cause the same pain to someone else. That despite the pain caused to them, they long to protect others from that and strive for peace in their lives and others.
I know these might sound like simple stories, but they were significantly monumental to my attitude at work. It is too easy to get discouraged and to think that the pain and the brokenness is bigger than God's mercy and light and love. I have been challenged daily to seek God first. To give the day first over to God and know that IT IS NOT ME that has the ability to make a difference in these children's life, IT IS CHRIST WITHIN ME. God really does long for us to give it all of our lives completely over to him. Its always funny of course that we never realize that until we get into situations where we are completely exhausted and drained from doing it ourselves and have no other choice but to go to God.
I thank-you again for your response to me and hope to keep you updated on how God is working with these children. Thank-you for your prayers for me and for them. They are needed.
"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'
"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'
"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'
"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."