Sad
I had a really bad night last night after i got off my AIM. I cried for such a very long time (in fact it had been the first time in a long time i cried myself to sleep) about something that after the 9th grade i said i would never cry about. And i had done very well up until last night. You see i hate the fatc that i can't get any guy to really notice me. And a lot of it has to do with the fact that i am shy around boys. And everyone tells me that i need to be less shy. But the thing people don't get is i just can't.
My entire high school thing was nothing good to me. The only thing it did was make me feel like worhtless shit. It all started in 7th grade when i was teased so bad. And it went on like that all the way until and includin the day i graduated. The guys in my class where very cruel and mean to me. They robbed me of any selfworth i had for myself. I don't think i've really ever felt good to just be myself. Becausei was always so wrong to everyone i was around. I don't know if people understand buti went through 6 years of verbal abuse not from just one person but from many. 95% of them male. I came home everyday for 7-9 grade in nothing but tears and hurt and anger. By 8th grade i had already tried to kill myself. But 9th grade i had been called everything under the sun. So by 10th grade i thought there wasn't much more they could do to me but i was wrong so very very wrong. They put gum in my hair and insulted me right infront of teachers. Who didn't do anything to help me. I had one good friend at my high school and i'm sure if it weren't for her i wouldn't be here. But the thing i don't get is that it was only me. I don't know if it would have been better if maybe they did this to others but they didn't. I was the one who got all of thier torment and thier hate and everything hey thought was funny. So yes i am shy and there isn't much ican do about it...i tried the not shy thing and it hurt every single time i got rejected. I am so much safer if i just stay shy and get to know some one then become i little more open with them.
But that wasn't the only thing i cried so long and hard about last night. It was also the fact that for once in a long long time i had the urge to cut myself so deep that maybe i would hit something and never live to see the sun rise again. And anyone who knows me knowns my choice in death is taking pills and not cutting to die. But thats how i felt last night. And i didn't even cut myself but i really really wanted to do something so distructive to myself. Just because in my mind it didn't matter. No guy is ever going to get close enough to me my scars the ones on the surface and the ones hidden within me. I need help i know i do. But this is something i just can't do by myself. I need my mom and dad. For once i really need them to see whats wrong with me and to help me look for help. I 've told my dad and he did nothing about it. And when i told them i cut it was ok you'll get help and not another word about it was ever said. Not an are you ok or how are you feeling. Just nothing. I have a feeling that the only ay i am ever going to get them to help me is if i scream up and down "I'M SICK I'M SICK! Don't you care? Don't you notice? How many times do i have to reach out for help until you finally realize there is something wrong with me?"
For some reason i could bring myself to call anyone to ask if they could just be on the phone with me until i had cried out everything i needed to cry out. I was on the way to the phone when i realized they shouldn't have to be put through this anymore. I can't keep on bothering them everytime i feel like this. And they can all sit there and tell me i'm being silly. But i know what a pain i must be at times. And for that i am very very sorry. I am also sorry this is so long. I couldn't figure out how to do the cut thing. So yea it kind of really really long.
My entire high school thing was nothing good to me. The only thing it did was make me feel like worhtless shit. It all started in 7th grade when i was teased so bad. And it went on like that all the way until and includin the day i graduated. The guys in my class where very cruel and mean to me. They robbed me of any selfworth i had for myself. I don't think i've really ever felt good to just be myself. Becausei was always so wrong to everyone i was around. I don't know if people understand buti went through 6 years of verbal abuse not from just one person but from many. 95% of them male. I came home everyday for 7-9 grade in nothing but tears and hurt and anger. By 8th grade i had already tried to kill myself. But 9th grade i had been called everything under the sun. So by 10th grade i thought there wasn't much more they could do to me but i was wrong so very very wrong. They put gum in my hair and insulted me right infront of teachers. Who didn't do anything to help me. I had one good friend at my high school and i'm sure if it weren't for her i wouldn't be here. But the thing i don't get is that it was only me. I don't know if it would have been better if maybe they did this to others but they didn't. I was the one who got all of thier torment and thier hate and everything hey thought was funny. So yes i am shy and there isn't much ican do about it...i tried the not shy thing and it hurt every single time i got rejected. I am so much safer if i just stay shy and get to know some one then become i little more open with them.
But that wasn't the only thing i cried so long and hard about last night. It was also the fact that for once in a long long time i had the urge to cut myself so deep that maybe i would hit something and never live to see the sun rise again. And anyone who knows me knowns my choice in death is taking pills and not cutting to die. But thats how i felt last night. And i didn't even cut myself but i really really wanted to do something so distructive to myself. Just because in my mind it didn't matter. No guy is ever going to get close enough to me my scars the ones on the surface and the ones hidden within me. I need help i know i do. But this is something i just can't do by myself. I need my mom and dad. For once i really need them to see whats wrong with me and to help me look for help. I 've told my dad and he did nothing about it. And when i told them i cut it was ok you'll get help and not another word about it was ever said. Not an are you ok or how are you feeling. Just nothing. I have a feeling that the only ay i am ever going to get them to help me is if i scream up and down "I'M SICK I'M SICK! Don't you care? Don't you notice? How many times do i have to reach out for help until you finally realize there is something wrong with me?"
For some reason i could bring myself to call anyone to ask if they could just be on the phone with me until i had cried out everything i needed to cry out. I was on the way to the phone when i realized they shouldn't have to be put through this anymore. I can't keep on bothering them everytime i feel like this. And they can all sit there and tell me i'm being silly. But i know what a pain i must be at times. And for that i am very very sorry. I am also sorry this is so long. I couldn't figure out how to do the cut thing. So yea it kind of really really long.