(no subject)
i know i havent written in a while but ive been a little depressed and withdrawn.which just makes me feel lazy.i sit on the couch and think of the things i want to write on here and it all sounds so good.then at around 2am i get on here and im like i dont feel like writing anymore.so therefor i dont write.i dont know what to say about how my life is going.my mom is still a bitch.john still occasionally calls even though i never answer.i dont even check my voicemail anymore.not that i could even if i wanted to thanks to him.as far as my pregnancy goes im kinda of worried and they just make it worse.according to the doctors i have a low platelet count which is normal for pregnancy but usually only in the 3rd trimester and im only in my 2nd.so i have to go and see a hemotologist in wilmington on the 21st to find out why and at some point im supposed to get a more detailed ultrasound in wilmington too to see if this is hurting the baby but they called to make the appointment when i was sleeping and ive been trying to call them back since but whenever i seem to call i get a busy signal.stupid people.and also im kinda getting upset cuz people keep asking me if i can feel the baby move yet and i cant.i go online and hear all these women saying they are feeling it and its so great and yada yada and theyre only like 19 weeks or sooner and im 23 weeks.then i listen to all my other friends who are pregnant now too go on about how theyre feeling it.it scares me.it makes me think theres something wrong.like something i did fucked this all up.i mean you have to be one fucked up mother to fuck up the kids life before its even born right.i dont know.all i do when im not working is sit around the house and think about these things.and then my mother has the stupidity to wonder why im in the living room crying.not that she cares she just calls me a dumb lazy bitch.it doesnt matter how hard i try to make her happy she never is.i mean only if someone else does something is she happy.i mean mimi blows her off last week.asks her to pick her up at work and maybe hang out for awhile.then when she gets there mimi had already left.she didnt even call her until the next night and really only then cuz she needed another ride home.but my mom is late to pick me up from work yesterday.i figured she forgot since i normally get out at 10 and i was getting out at 8.so i figured instead of waiting till she remembered id walk home.if she wasnt there i figured id call her.so i get home and i call her.she showed up 20 minutes late and gets mad at me cuz im not outside sitting in the heat waiting for her.whatever.i dont know.but i better go try and clean again for the 5oth time and see if it meets her standards today.