(no subject)
i dont know what to do.all i want to do is cry.my grandfather is dying.he got diagnosed with cancer today.and they said its so aggressive that any therapy or anything would be useless.they dont have an estimate on how long yet cuz theyre still running tests but they dont think itll be too long.why does this have to happen on top of everything else.i dont want this to happen.i love him too much.hes the closest thing to a father ive ever known.i mean i remember when i was little he was always there for me.he worked 75 hours a week and still found time to spend with me.i always loved when we would go and get mcdonalds and go and sit at the airport and watch the plan take off and land.once he even talked the people into letting me go on the quad graphics jet for a tour.he was also the one who would always leave work and come and get me when i was sick at school.i pretended sometimes that i was sick cuz i knew he would stay home with me and hang out.he was the one that used to watch cartoons with me on saturday mornings.of course he was watching them even before i got up.he liked scooby.i just cant believe this is happening.i dont know what im going to do without him.or what my grandmother is going to do.honestly i think that when he passes im going to ask my her if its ok if i come home and live with her.i dont want her to be all alone.and i dont want to be alone either.i mean she wont be all alone cuz she has my aunt and sims and all of them but whos going to be there for her when they all leave.i dont know.its killing me to even think about any of this.i mean you always know that people are going to die but i guess i always hoped i would go first.which i think is why i always lived so wrecklessly.i wanted to go first.i didnt want to see anyone i cared about so much die.i dont know what im going to do.i really do just want to die so i dont have to deal with this.