(no subject)
First days of the journey have been just what we needed. After the nonstop gotta-do-really-important-stuff-every-single-day super-stressful month we had, followed by a trying 8-hour drive with a fragile small animal, a precarious mattress, and zero air conditioning in 100-degree heat, R and I have been doing.... nothing.
Well, not quite nothing I suppose. It's more like puttering, but it's at our own pace and self-dictated with no pressure. Which is exactly what we needed. I like to wash the dishes and work on my crochet project, and keep my still-adjusting cat company in the basement. R has been playing the big brother role, playing video games with and listening to the immature-but-good-natured ramblings of his kid brother, and not doing anything that involves a timeline or stress of any kind. This is just what we've been needing.
Now that we're where we intended to be and I'm surrounded by people who Know What's Going On, my anxiety monster has crawled back inside its cave inside my brain-place. And not a day too soon, because R and I were both starting to go nuts. You know that nervous, I-don't-know-what-i'm-doing feeling that you get right before a huge interview? I felt like that, every hour of every day, for a month straight. I am very reserved about my mental illness and I don't like to talk about it, and being a perfectly healthy individual with no family history of mental illness, R has a hard time getting his brain around what happens in mine - and as in the rest of his life, he isn't content with hearing "That's just the way it is and I'm powerless to change it," so there's occasional friction due to a breakdown in understanding when I try to explain what anxiety is and what it's like for me. I haven't figured out yet how to explain to him in a way that he can understand that I'm actually a lot better than I used to be, because now I can actually make decisions and accept guidance when I'm in the middle of an anxiety attack - all he saw last month was me clicking rapidly through tasks and not finishing a single one, or slowly spinning in circles in the middle of a room because I couldn't force myself to settle on what needed to be done first. Regardless of how it was this month, these last few days have been understated enough for me to unwind and get back to a healthy center.
Prada is slowly adjusting to life in R's mom's basement - she doesn't like the cold tile floor of the bathroom still, and she's definitely not sure she trusts Ryan (who is tall, male, and has a deep voice), but she warmed to R's mom right away and has been slowly exploring the nooks and crannies of the finished basement. I'm sure she'll find a perfect hiding hole to spend the next few months, and if R's mom comes down to say hi to her once a day I'm sure she'll be just fine. She's pretty self-sufficient anyhow, as long as she has a clean box and a clean water dish, and maybe the occasional brushing, she'll be happy.
So far we've been good about sticking to our budget. I think R forgets sometimes, but thanks to the anxiety monster, I will NEVER be able to stop keeping track of how much money we've spent that day, so we should be able to stay pretty well on track.
I think that enough is being taken care of by the people around me who are With It and In Charge, that I will actually be able to enjoy my trip this year. My brain wants me to start fixating on the end of the journey, and what will happen when we are finally forced to reintegrate with the patterns of society, but I'm trying hard to stay in the moment - after all, we haven't even gone anywhere yet! To fixate on the end of the journey, when we haven't even really started it yet, would be a tragic waste of all the hard work I've put into doing this. So I'm just drinking my coffee and having some toast, and waiting for the boys to wake up.
I've been wearing my glasses full-time for a few weeks now. My brain still has a hard time deciding when I'm "awake" and when the day is supposed to start, since for about 15 years "morning" was when I had my glasses on and "daytime" was after I put in my contact lenses, thus creating a very clear distinction in my brain between the times of day and the thought patterns that govern them. Wearing glasses full-time has blurred this line, and I've found that it's actually been a blessing in disguise - "daytime" thought patterns are usually ruled by anxiety and the "what the hell am I sitting around for when there's _____ and ______ to be done" impulse, but now that impulse takes several hours to kick in, by which point I've had my coffee and am awake enough to recognize it for what it is. In addition to the unexpected anxiety-relieving benefits, I am very grateful for my glasses now that I am in Wyoming. HOLY CRISP AND CLEAR DISTANCE VISION, BATMAN. I can see all the leaves on the trees, I can read street signs that are far away, and I can see all the details of all the foothills that cradle this town. Unless you've struggled with chronic blurriness, it's hard to explain how beautiful everything really is.
All right, I have to go Do Stuff. I've been puttering on this computer for about an hour and now that it's going to die, I'm going to use this opportunity to go get dressed, have some breakfast, and start transitioning to "Daytime" mode.
I took a crapload of pictures of this place yesterday. I'll upload some for you all a little bit later on.
Well, not quite nothing I suppose. It's more like puttering, but it's at our own pace and self-dictated with no pressure. Which is exactly what we needed. I like to wash the dishes and work on my crochet project, and keep my still-adjusting cat company in the basement. R has been playing the big brother role, playing video games with and listening to the immature-but-good-natured ramblings of his kid brother, and not doing anything that involves a timeline or stress of any kind. This is just what we've been needing.
Now that we're where we intended to be and I'm surrounded by people who Know What's Going On, my anxiety monster has crawled back inside its cave inside my brain-place. And not a day too soon, because R and I were both starting to go nuts. You know that nervous, I-don't-know-what-i'm-doing feeling that you get right before a huge interview? I felt like that, every hour of every day, for a month straight. I am very reserved about my mental illness and I don't like to talk about it, and being a perfectly healthy individual with no family history of mental illness, R has a hard time getting his brain around what happens in mine - and as in the rest of his life, he isn't content with hearing "That's just the way it is and I'm powerless to change it," so there's occasional friction due to a breakdown in understanding when I try to explain what anxiety is and what it's like for me. I haven't figured out yet how to explain to him in a way that he can understand that I'm actually a lot better than I used to be, because now I can actually make decisions and accept guidance when I'm in the middle of an anxiety attack - all he saw last month was me clicking rapidly through tasks and not finishing a single one, or slowly spinning in circles in the middle of a room because I couldn't force myself to settle on what needed to be done first. Regardless of how it was this month, these last few days have been understated enough for me to unwind and get back to a healthy center.
Prada is slowly adjusting to life in R's mom's basement - she doesn't like the cold tile floor of the bathroom still, and she's definitely not sure she trusts Ryan (who is tall, male, and has a deep voice), but she warmed to R's mom right away and has been slowly exploring the nooks and crannies of the finished basement. I'm sure she'll find a perfect hiding hole to spend the next few months, and if R's mom comes down to say hi to her once a day I'm sure she'll be just fine. She's pretty self-sufficient anyhow, as long as she has a clean box and a clean water dish, and maybe the occasional brushing, she'll be happy.
So far we've been good about sticking to our budget. I think R forgets sometimes, but thanks to the anxiety monster, I will NEVER be able to stop keeping track of how much money we've spent that day, so we should be able to stay pretty well on track.
I think that enough is being taken care of by the people around me who are With It and In Charge, that I will actually be able to enjoy my trip this year. My brain wants me to start fixating on the end of the journey, and what will happen when we are finally forced to reintegrate with the patterns of society, but I'm trying hard to stay in the moment - after all, we haven't even gone anywhere yet! To fixate on the end of the journey, when we haven't even really started it yet, would be a tragic waste of all the hard work I've put into doing this. So I'm just drinking my coffee and having some toast, and waiting for the boys to wake up.
I've been wearing my glasses full-time for a few weeks now. My brain still has a hard time deciding when I'm "awake" and when the day is supposed to start, since for about 15 years "morning" was when I had my glasses on and "daytime" was after I put in my contact lenses, thus creating a very clear distinction in my brain between the times of day and the thought patterns that govern them. Wearing glasses full-time has blurred this line, and I've found that it's actually been a blessing in disguise - "daytime" thought patterns are usually ruled by anxiety and the "what the hell am I sitting around for when there's _____ and ______ to be done" impulse, but now that impulse takes several hours to kick in, by which point I've had my coffee and am awake enough to recognize it for what it is. In addition to the unexpected anxiety-relieving benefits, I am very grateful for my glasses now that I am in Wyoming. HOLY CRISP AND CLEAR DISTANCE VISION, BATMAN. I can see all the leaves on the trees, I can read street signs that are far away, and I can see all the details of all the foothills that cradle this town. Unless you've struggled with chronic blurriness, it's hard to explain how beautiful everything really is.
All right, I have to go Do Stuff. I've been puttering on this computer for about an hour and now that it's going to die, I'm going to use this opportunity to go get dressed, have some breakfast, and start transitioning to "Daytime" mode.
I took a crapload of pictures of this place yesterday. I'll upload some for you all a little bit later on.