(no subject)
Anyway, have some crapfic. I mean crackfic.
Title: The Blind Vegetarian Doctor Vampire Popstar Piece of Lead
What: ...original fiction? In any case, it takes potshots at Twilight while traipsing through Doctor Who, Hannah Montana, and High School Musical RPS.
Rating: PG for character death
Words: 974
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin. Cowritten with cattrius after just over a year of not writing together (the world was no doubt deeply glad).
Sample: She arrived in Ancient Rome, land of cheap knockoffs and gypsies.
There was once a sparkly vampire on a hilltop. She had brown hair with highlights, and was also a teen pop sensation. But by day, she did nothing but spout bad dialogue to which a bizzare group of people who you couldn't see would laugh at.
This group of people were people with taste. And by taste, we mean the bubonic plague, and they laughed because they had nothing else to do with the remainder of their life. So the vampire popstar couldn't eat them, because hey, she'd catch the plague.
So then she became the first doctor vampire popstar, because at this rate, her entire food source was doomed. Along the way, she also managed to find a pale boyfriend who thought she was the most beautiful girl on earth. But because she was also the only blind doctor vampire popstar, it was actually a snowman
She did not find this out for several years.
When she did, she realised it was one hell of a snowman.
And so the blind doctor vampire popstar set off on a journey (aka her tour) to find the creator of the snowman. On her journey she visted 70 of the most important cities in the world, including Wellington.
In Wellington, she met some fangirls, who decided she was ripping off Twilight, so they decided to start up a mob, including fire, pitch forks and jelly. She would have been quite grateful for the jelly if it weren't for her blood diet, and the fact that she was also a vegetarian, and couldn't eat gelatine because it came from animal bones. So the fangirls attempted to cram the jelly down her throat, but then stopped when they were dazzled by how she sparkled in the sunlight because she used solid diamonds in her clothing.
As such, vampire girl's clothing was worth more than she was, because the diamonds were intergalactic, and scientists wanted them for their evil inventions.
However, the scientists did not know that she was being besieged by fangirls in Wellington, and thus instead were being chased through Germany by Daleks.
But then Hannah Montana, uh, I mean the blind vegetarian doctor vampire popstar had to use her super secret powers in order to escape: "Vworp, vworp," she said, and thus she disappeared through a vortex of time and space, and in her wake she left seven fire breathing ninja babies.
She arrived in Ancient Rome, land of cheap knock offs and gypsies. Unfortunately, she couldn't speak the language, so she ate the people instead, and then she felt horrible about it, because them Ancient Romans are fatty. With all the dormice in their diet, the Ancient Romans were full of saturated fats without double bonds between the carbon atoms. Naturally, the vampire hated these demonic double bondless fats so she tried to compensate by eating a large piece of ethene cake.
A scientist wandered by thinking it would begin to oxidise in her stomach, but alas, it was too late to oxidise, it was too late, because it was already galvanised (let's equate). The vampire girl was WTFing because she did'nt understand how she had galvanised a piece of cake. The scientist didn't understand this either, so he made it his life mission to discover how it had happened, and it was totally fortunate for everyone because the scientist was actually Zac Efron, who had been trapped in the past during a High School Musical 3 shoot gone horribly wrong.
The vampire girl had had to break seven of the six fundamental rules of the universe to get him back home. Luckily, as a main character, she was allowed to do that sort of thing, not that the plot writers could do anything about it, because their inspiration tanks were running low on creativity, and high on crap (not that this was anything out of the ordinary).
So the vampire girl then tried seducing the scientist Zac Efron, because that's all she was good for, really. However, in her seduction, she discovered that Zac had made her first love, the snowman, and it wasn't until now that she discovered the irony in the situation.
Just then, the German Daleks came barging into Ancient Rome, and the vampire girl was like, "WTF, I can't eat metal; it goes straight to my lower thighs!"
The Daleks, on the other hand, said nothing but "EXTERMINIEREN!"
And then she realised the joy of the situation, because she could actually eat death inducing lasers, and they made her super thin, got rid of her acne and made her the star of a new Disney Channel TV show: The Dalek Life of Hannah Monvampire. It was also subtitled "Twilight".
And it also turned out that Zac Efron the Ancient Roman scientist had his own super power. However, this power was nothing more than turning on lightbulbs with minimum energy; a rather useless power in Ancient Rome, and the power to melt metal with his piercing and dazzling blue eyes, and he single handedly destroyed an entire Dalek fleet before being killed off by the authors because he was turning into a Mary Sue.
But before he could be killed off he used another one of his super powers to turn the vampire into a real girl. Alas, he failed, and the vampire turned into a wooden puppet whose nose grew longer when she lied instead, and he died because of over exposure to a useless main character. It was perhaps more tragic than Gabriella's death in an alternate universe, but that was a story of another time. (She died because her laughter became too annoying even for herself.)
Anyway, the vampire puppet went on to live an unfulfilled life, because she wasn't actually a puppet, but really a piece of lead. And then it rained, and she oxidised. The end.