ic post | im rp | insomnia
Warnings: Swearing. Angst Unhappy topics. A motorcycle crash. Blood.
Summary: Sometimes, the sleeping aid med doesn't kick in fast enough. Jim really doesn't like thinking.
Notes: So I tried going to sleep andddd Jim couldn't turn his brain off. So I got up and we wrote... this. It's kind of a culmination of a bunch of things that've been building up inside his head for a few days now, so yeah. Maybe this'll help him properly get it off his chest, even if he's all ready about some of this to people. Excuse the formatting and any incoherency; this was not beta'd and I spaced it as according to what looked good when... I had no sleep... e_e
Word Count: 2262
Who's Who Cheatsheet:
sf_girl_friday = Jim's yeoman, aka his personal assistant. Like a sister to him
kirk_george = Died in canon, but Jim's met him once because of RPland. George thought that Bones and Jim were acting... too codependent, basically
starshipmedical = His fiancé and best friend. They were recently kidnapped and are currently dealing with the repercussions
memoryshell, starryhuntress, vanagandr = Members of the new found family Jim's been making
starshipscot, mostlogical = Chief engineer and first officer of the Enterprise, also part of the family, though Spock isn't quite entirely in the new one yet. Also, Spock is newly arrived in the headspaces
The farm = Where they live
Naturespark = Jim's (winged) horse
The Enterprise = ... Jim's starship. duhhhhhhhhhhhh
.~.jtk.~.
Sometimes, when he can’t sleep because the meds aren’t quite kicking in yet or whatever, Jim thinks thoughts that he knows aren’t true. Not really. He tells himself they aren’t true, but there’s this little piece of him somewhere that thinks that maybe, just possibly, they are, even though he knows better.
everything’s wrong, but it’s all right
Thoughts like how what he really needs to do is have Jan get a hold of his dad and set up a meeting.
It’d just be the two of them. Maybe a few drinks. (Hey, shut up. He can dream. Maybe this is after he doesn’t need the meds.) And then Jim could sit him down and just. Talk. Do what he does best and not shut up for a few hours. Tell him everything that he’s (they’ve) gone through out here. Explain to him why he and Bones are the way they are, why they need each other, why they’re so damn codependent, why why why why why --
Jim just wants to take him by the shoulders and yell because there’s nothing wrong with us, dammit, we are the way we are for a reason. Because we need each other so much for a reason. A lot of reasons. A lot of good ones. And they haven’t had any other choice and they wouldn’t have it any other way because they have each other.
He just wants him to understand. It’s really not all that bad of a thing to wish for. He wants his father to understand.
His father. Hah. There are so many things Jim can add to that. Should be able to add to that. But the words just aren’t coming. There just aren’t words for the amount of heartache and anger and longing and I didn’t go into space for you, I went into space for me, it’s mine, too, and I’m not trying to be you and I don’t want to be you and I’m never going to be able to be like you so I’m not going to try and I’m more like you than I can ever imagine and what if and do you know what happened to me because you died?
Not that Jim blames him. Jim can’t blame him. Just like he can’t blame Sam for leaving, because who the hell can live in a house where they can’t be a Kirk? (I did.) Just like he can’t blame Mom for not wanting to believe that her brother is an abusive son-of-a-bitch who doesn’t treat her sons right, because who does? (I almost want to blame you.) Just like he can’t blame Mom for remarrying, because she has a life, too, and who the hell is he to keep her from living it? (But what about us? Me?)
Thoughts like these often lead into other ones, the kind that make him wonder just how much of his life has been him wanting to lash out, how much of it has been him reaching out, how much of it has been him holding back, and how much of it has been him just being an attention-seeking little whore. Hell, it is attention-seeking, no matter what way you slice it. And he kind of is a little whore. Was. Not that he really regrets it. Most of the time.
Jim never lets himself ask Jan to set up a meeting.
how do you know that you’re right when you’re not nervous any more?
Thoughts like how maybe his dad was right and there is something wrong.
That this isn’t how things should be, because it’s unhealthy. That they shouldn’t rely so much on each other, that they shouldn’t be so protective of each other, that there’s just something wrong with them in comparison to everyone else (all the other thems) out there.
That maybe the real reason why he’s so happy that Spock’s around is that maybe it’ll fix things and make them not “wrong” any more by pulling them apart, even marginally, and providing the so-called balance that the three of them apparently need.
He kills these thoughts before they even start.
Fuck ‘em. He doesn’t want things to change between him and Bones. He’s happy. Even better, they’re happy. And he’s happy to see Spock because Spock is part of the crew and that makes him family and he’s maybe kind of awesome even if he’s really a giant pain in the ass, and because maybe, just maybe, this means it’ll take some pressure off him, off Bones, so that they don’t keep buckling under all the stress.
Jim only thinks about it on the really bad nights.
i can’t get it right, get it right, get it right
Thoughts like how he really considered proposing to Mary Beth.
She was a sweet girl. Funny. Artistic. Not especially smart, but somehow that didn’t bother him the way it did with everyone else. She just had this way with people. This intuition. There’s a reason why she was so popular, and it wasn’t because she was the prettiest girl in the church choir and student council president; she was all of that because of who she was.
But she Got him. Understood him in ways that scared the fuck out of him. Understood him without having to know everything he’d been through. She could just take one look at him with those brown eyes and see straight into his soul and even though he tried to be a total asshole to her and hold her at arm’s length, he kept getting drawn back in.
She never pushed his boundaries. Never asked him to stay, never forced him to open up and tell her his sob story. She was just there, and whatever it was about her that pulled him to her, he couldn’t get enough, no matter how hard he tried to leave her the hell alone.
In retrospect, he thinks it’s because she just exuded acceptance. Acceptance, and… forgiveness.
Typical “misunderstood bad boy and popular good girl” story. Jim hated it.
He didn’t love her. Not really. Not anywhere near the way he loves Bones. But he thought that, if he was stuck out in the middle of fucking nowhere with no real future to speak of, maybe it’d be worth a shot seeing if the one person left in that godforsaken town he actually gave a damn about was willing to spend the rest of her life with him.
They could do the cliché “surprise! she’s marrying me, I’m the lucky bastard, suckers!” wedding. (Jesus christ, how selfish is that? But he wanted her to choose him, too. Only if she really wanted him.) Have a house. Maybe some kids. He never seriously considered it. Not seriously. He still thought about doing it, just because… Hey. He liked her best. It’s the logical, normal thing to do, and while that’s never been his thing, maybe it’d be worth giving it a shot with her. For her. Besides, no one expected bad boy Jimmy Kirk to settle down. Maybe he would prove them wrong.
But then there was the accident. He was driving her home on his motorcycle, her arms around him tight because she hated riding the thing but she’d wanted to go with him, even though he wasn’t going anywhere, just… away for a little while. He was thinking about proposing again. Nice. Simple. Cozy. Average, everyday, nothing special.
Something happened -- He’s still not sure what; there was a dip or a bump in the road, there was something lying in the way that he didn’t see because he wasn’t paying attention -- All he knows is that something happened and he lost control of the bike. It jerked out from under him and all he can remember is a whirl of color, gray-brown and dust-blue and black, the sound of the motor, the feel of her arms slipping away --
When he came to, his head hurt like a fucker and it hurt to breathe. He’d later find out that he had a bitch of a concussion, three broken ribs, a broken arm, a broken wrist, a fractured kneecap, and a hell of a lot of other things that he can‘t quite remember right now. He struggled to his hands and knees (ow), saw the bike sprawled in the road up ahead. Hauled himself to his feet (dammit ow), dragged himself towards it (motherfucking ow). Called her name. Shouted her name.
Her name died in his throat when he saw, just up ahead and half-hidden behind a scraggly bush, dark hair matted in the dark pool reflecting red in the light of the dusk.
Everything stopped hurting after that.
He’s done a lot of thinking since then. Seven, eight years is a long time to think. He thought he pretty much came to terms with it. Accidents happen. She wouldn’t want him to beat himself up for it. Enlisting in Starfleet was the best thing he ever did, and he doesn’t regret not looking back.
But finding out that there exists an alternate reality where your entire life, everything you are is different -- That kind of shit changes your life. Makes you start thinking what if.
Makes him start wondering What if I did marry her? Would I have somehow enlisted in Starfleet anyway? And If I didn’t, would it even matter? Would Nero have fried the Earth? And If Bones didn’t sneak me on the Enterprise, would he even be alive right now? And Would Bones have even been on the Enterprise?
And What if the timeline, in trying to correct itself, knew that I wasn’t going to enlist if I married her and had to fix the problem so I would end up fulfilling my “destiny” of being captain?
Jim doesn’t much believe in destiny. Fuck it. He just won’t believe that.
But then there’s his personal favorite, one that doesn’t want to go away, no matter what he tells himself. What if this had nothing to do with any of that, and I lost control of the bike on purpose, subconsciously, because I didn’t want her to get closer? Because I didn’t want to get married and settle for an ordinary life?
This is usually followed by So what’ll I do to Bones?
These nights, Jim hates himself.
see the young man sitting in the old man’s bar, waiting for his turn to die
Thoughts like how it’s his fault Bones had been kidnapped, too. (They wanted him, after all. They kidnapped Bones because it would hurt Jim more.)
His fault Bones is hurting now, too.
And he knows Bones is hurting more than he’s showing, more than he realizes himself, and Jim knows that part of Bones’s way of coping is fixing him but he will be damned if he just sits here and lets himself get fixed up, let himself get better, feel better, when Bones isn’t.
And the fact that Bones is focusing on him, that Bones wants him to get better, that everyone -- Jan, Spock, everyone -- keeps reiterating that his way of coping is fixing Jim -- Somehow, all it does is solidify that thought in his mind.
Because if Bones is getting better by Jim getting better, the fact that Jim isn’t better yet and, frankly, won’t be “fixed” for a long time because this kind of thing takes years to recover from, not days, not weeks, sure they’ve been making a lot of progress and they shouldn't stop trying but they need to stop fooling themselves into thinking they’re all gonna be well enough that they can go back to the way things were, because there’s never any going back, ever, and they just need to accept that and relax --
Because if Bones is getting better by Jim getting better, the fact that Jim isn’t better yet means that it’s his fault that Bones is still hurting.
even the best fall down sometimes, even the stars refuse to shine
It’s thoughts like these that really make him consider getting up and tossing back a couple of drinks before trying to sleep again, fuck the meds.
But he doesn’t. He just takes deep breaths (and tries not to count). He takes deep breaths and thinks. He thinks about Bones, Jan, Xion, Bones, Artemis, Bones, Fenrir, Scotty, Spock, Bones, the farm, Naturespark, space, the Enterprise.
He thinks of home, takes a deep breath, and then thanks Bones when the meds kick in. Because, dammit, he knows better. He’s a decent enough guy. He’s got morals and he follows them and does what he thinks is right. He’s a good captain, even if he hasn’t had much of a chance to prove it yet.
He knows better because he knows the people he loves believes in him. Knows better because he knows Bones loves him.
Finally, Jim sleeps.
yeah, everything’s wrong, and it’s all right…
Summary: Sometimes, the sleeping aid med doesn't kick in fast enough. Jim really doesn't like thinking.
Notes: So I tried going to sleep andddd Jim couldn't turn his brain off. So I got up and we wrote... this. It's kind of a culmination of a bunch of things that've been building up inside his head for a few days now, so yeah. Maybe this'll help him properly get it off his chest, even if he's all ready about some of this to people. Excuse the formatting and any incoherency; this was not beta'd and I spaced it as according to what looked good when... I had no sleep... e_e
Word Count: 2262
Who's Who Cheatsheet:
sf_girl_friday = Jim's yeoman, aka his personal assistant. Like a sister to him
kirk_george = Died in canon, but Jim's met him once because of RPland. George thought that Bones and Jim were acting... too codependent, basically
starshipmedical = His fiancé and best friend. They were recently kidnapped and are currently dealing with the repercussions
memoryshell, starryhuntress, vanagandr = Members of the new found family Jim's been making
starshipscot, mostlogical = Chief engineer and first officer of the Enterprise, also part of the family, though Spock isn't quite entirely in the new one yet. Also, Spock is newly arrived in the headspaces
The farm = Where they live
Naturespark = Jim's (winged) horse
The Enterprise = ... Jim's starship. duhhhhhhhhhhhh
.~.jtk.~.
Sometimes, when he can’t sleep because the meds aren’t quite kicking in yet or whatever, Jim thinks thoughts that he knows aren’t true. Not really. He tells himself they aren’t true, but there’s this little piece of him somewhere that thinks that maybe, just possibly, they are, even though he knows better.
everything’s wrong, but it’s all right
Thoughts like how what he really needs to do is have Jan get a hold of his dad and set up a meeting.
It’d just be the two of them. Maybe a few drinks. (Hey, shut up. He can dream. Maybe this is after he doesn’t need the meds.) And then Jim could sit him down and just. Talk. Do what he does best and not shut up for a few hours. Tell him everything that he’s (they’ve) gone through out here. Explain to him why he and Bones are the way they are, why they need each other, why they’re so damn codependent, why why why why why --
Jim just wants to take him by the shoulders and yell because there’s nothing wrong with us, dammit, we are the way we are for a reason. Because we need each other so much for a reason. A lot of reasons. A lot of good ones. And they haven’t had any other choice and they wouldn’t have it any other way because they have each other.
He just wants him to understand. It’s really not all that bad of a thing to wish for. He wants his father to understand.
His father. Hah. There are so many things Jim can add to that. Should be able to add to that. But the words just aren’t coming. There just aren’t words for the amount of heartache and anger and longing and I didn’t go into space for you, I went into space for me, it’s mine, too, and I’m not trying to be you and I don’t want to be you and I’m never going to be able to be like you so I’m not going to try and I’m more like you than I can ever imagine and what if and do you know what happened to me because you died?
Not that Jim blames him. Jim can’t blame him. Just like he can’t blame Sam for leaving, because who the hell can live in a house where they can’t be a Kirk? (I did.) Just like he can’t blame Mom for not wanting to believe that her brother is an abusive son-of-a-bitch who doesn’t treat her sons right, because who does? (I almost want to blame you.) Just like he can’t blame Mom for remarrying, because she has a life, too, and who the hell is he to keep her from living it? (But what about us? Me?)
Thoughts like these often lead into other ones, the kind that make him wonder just how much of his life has been him wanting to lash out, how much of it has been him reaching out, how much of it has been him holding back, and how much of it has been him just being an attention-seeking little whore. Hell, it is attention-seeking, no matter what way you slice it. And he kind of is a little whore. Was. Not that he really regrets it. Most of the time.
Jim never lets himself ask Jan to set up a meeting.
how do you know that you’re right when you’re not nervous any more?
Thoughts like how maybe his dad was right and there is something wrong.
That this isn’t how things should be, because it’s unhealthy. That they shouldn’t rely so much on each other, that they shouldn’t be so protective of each other, that there’s just something wrong with them in comparison to everyone else (all the other thems) out there.
That maybe the real reason why he’s so happy that Spock’s around is that maybe it’ll fix things and make them not “wrong” any more by pulling them apart, even marginally, and providing the so-called balance that the three of them apparently need.
He kills these thoughts before they even start.
Fuck ‘em. He doesn’t want things to change between him and Bones. He’s happy. Even better, they’re happy. And he’s happy to see Spock because Spock is part of the crew and that makes him family and he’s maybe kind of awesome even if he’s really a giant pain in the ass, and because maybe, just maybe, this means it’ll take some pressure off him, off Bones, so that they don’t keep buckling under all the stress.
Jim only thinks about it on the really bad nights.
i can’t get it right, get it right, get it right
Thoughts like how he really considered proposing to Mary Beth.
She was a sweet girl. Funny. Artistic. Not especially smart, but somehow that didn’t bother him the way it did with everyone else. She just had this way with people. This intuition. There’s a reason why she was so popular, and it wasn’t because she was the prettiest girl in the church choir and student council president; she was all of that because of who she was.
But she Got him. Understood him in ways that scared the fuck out of him. Understood him without having to know everything he’d been through. She could just take one look at him with those brown eyes and see straight into his soul and even though he tried to be a total asshole to her and hold her at arm’s length, he kept getting drawn back in.
She never pushed his boundaries. Never asked him to stay, never forced him to open up and tell her his sob story. She was just there, and whatever it was about her that pulled him to her, he couldn’t get enough, no matter how hard he tried to leave her the hell alone.
In retrospect, he thinks it’s because she just exuded acceptance. Acceptance, and… forgiveness.
Typical “misunderstood bad boy and popular good girl” story. Jim hated it.
He didn’t love her. Not really. Not anywhere near the way he loves Bones. But he thought that, if he was stuck out in the middle of fucking nowhere with no real future to speak of, maybe it’d be worth a shot seeing if the one person left in that godforsaken town he actually gave a damn about was willing to spend the rest of her life with him.
They could do the cliché “surprise! she’s marrying me, I’m the lucky bastard, suckers!” wedding. (Jesus christ, how selfish is that? But he wanted her to choose him, too. Only if she really wanted him.) Have a house. Maybe some kids. He never seriously considered it. Not seriously. He still thought about doing it, just because… Hey. He liked her best. It’s the logical, normal thing to do, and while that’s never been his thing, maybe it’d be worth giving it a shot with her. For her. Besides, no one expected bad boy Jimmy Kirk to settle down. Maybe he would prove them wrong.
But then there was the accident. He was driving her home on his motorcycle, her arms around him tight because she hated riding the thing but she’d wanted to go with him, even though he wasn’t going anywhere, just… away for a little while. He was thinking about proposing again. Nice. Simple. Cozy. Average, everyday, nothing special.
Something happened -- He’s still not sure what; there was a dip or a bump in the road, there was something lying in the way that he didn’t see because he wasn’t paying attention -- All he knows is that something happened and he lost control of the bike. It jerked out from under him and all he can remember is a whirl of color, gray-brown and dust-blue and black, the sound of the motor, the feel of her arms slipping away --
When he came to, his head hurt like a fucker and it hurt to breathe. He’d later find out that he had a bitch of a concussion, three broken ribs, a broken arm, a broken wrist, a fractured kneecap, and a hell of a lot of other things that he can‘t quite remember right now. He struggled to his hands and knees (ow), saw the bike sprawled in the road up ahead. Hauled himself to his feet (dammit ow), dragged himself towards it (motherfucking ow). Called her name. Shouted her name.
Her name died in his throat when he saw, just up ahead and half-hidden behind a scraggly bush, dark hair matted in the dark pool reflecting red in the light of the dusk.
Everything stopped hurting after that.
He’s done a lot of thinking since then. Seven, eight years is a long time to think. He thought he pretty much came to terms with it. Accidents happen. She wouldn’t want him to beat himself up for it. Enlisting in Starfleet was the best thing he ever did, and he doesn’t regret not looking back.
But finding out that there exists an alternate reality where your entire life, everything you are is different -- That kind of shit changes your life. Makes you start thinking what if.
Makes him start wondering What if I did marry her? Would I have somehow enlisted in Starfleet anyway? And If I didn’t, would it even matter? Would Nero have fried the Earth? And If Bones didn’t sneak me on the Enterprise, would he even be alive right now? And Would Bones have even been on the Enterprise?
And What if the timeline, in trying to correct itself, knew that I wasn’t going to enlist if I married her and had to fix the problem so I would end up fulfilling my “destiny” of being captain?
Jim doesn’t much believe in destiny. Fuck it. He just won’t believe that.
But then there’s his personal favorite, one that doesn’t want to go away, no matter what he tells himself. What if this had nothing to do with any of that, and I lost control of the bike on purpose, subconsciously, because I didn’t want her to get closer? Because I didn’t want to get married and settle for an ordinary life?
This is usually followed by So what’ll I do to Bones?
These nights, Jim hates himself.
see the young man sitting in the old man’s bar, waiting for his turn to die
Thoughts like how it’s his fault Bones had been kidnapped, too. (They wanted him, after all. They kidnapped Bones because it would hurt Jim more.)
His fault Bones is hurting now, too.
And he knows Bones is hurting more than he’s showing, more than he realizes himself, and Jim knows that part of Bones’s way of coping is fixing him but he will be damned if he just sits here and lets himself get fixed up, let himself get better, feel better, when Bones isn’t.
And the fact that Bones is focusing on him, that Bones wants him to get better, that everyone -- Jan, Spock, everyone -- keeps reiterating that his way of coping is fixing Jim -- Somehow, all it does is solidify that thought in his mind.
Because if Bones is getting better by Jim getting better, the fact that Jim isn’t better yet and, frankly, won’t be “fixed” for a long time because this kind of thing takes years to recover from, not days, not weeks, sure they’ve been making a lot of progress and they shouldn't stop trying but they need to stop fooling themselves into thinking they’re all gonna be well enough that they can go back to the way things were, because there’s never any going back, ever, and they just need to accept that and relax --
Because if Bones is getting better by Jim getting better, the fact that Jim isn’t better yet means that it’s his fault that Bones is still hurting.
even the best fall down sometimes, even the stars refuse to shine
It’s thoughts like these that really make him consider getting up and tossing back a couple of drinks before trying to sleep again, fuck the meds.
But he doesn’t. He just takes deep breaths (and tries not to count). He takes deep breaths and thinks. He thinks about Bones, Jan, Xion, Bones, Artemis, Bones, Fenrir, Scotty, Spock, Bones, the farm, Naturespark, space, the Enterprise.
He thinks of home, takes a deep breath, and then thanks Bones when the meds kick in. Because, dammit, he knows better. He’s a decent enough guy. He’s got morals and he follows them and does what he thinks is right. He’s a good captain, even if he hasn’t had much of a chance to prove it yet.
He knows better because he knows the people he loves believes in him. Knows better because he knows Bones loves him.
Finally, Jim sleeps.
yeah, everything’s wrong, and it’s all right…