(no subject)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Nig4Rbeoqwk
If you have just a few minutes to spare, I urge/beg/recommend/implore you to watch this. For me? For knowing that there is something else out there? For just being open-minded.
I've never been more moved by something.
My God, what kind of life am I leading? Some random lady on the subway today was yelling and mumbling something along the lines of "you church going hypocrites." He is definitely is trying to tell me something. He always has been. He always will be. He never gives up.
Who am I? Who do I think I am? To defy him as far as I have. To compromise...to doubt. What am I doing? He is the hope, he is the light, he is the strength when all has gone wrong. He has already taught me that he is my constant. He is there even as all of my temporary happiness fades. What is wrong with me?
I want to fully believe.
I want to put all my trust in him.
I want that perfect love.
I want to give him everything.
But why can't I do it fully? Why am I so skeptical? Why can't I be like my friends and have these near perfect faiths? Why am I so easily distracted?
It pains me that I want to do all this for the right reasons, but still struggle my way through it. I get these spiritual highs and then just let them fade. I admit, I allow it. I watch them dwindle and then pray that he continues to work through my life, but I need to face it: the relationship is a two-way street. In fact, any movement must be made upward, not down.
Honestly, how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
I could blame it on being ashamed, but I'm not. My faults lie in the fact that I am prone to sin. I am prone to going against him. What he wants is not that same as I want. At this point, I blame the majority of my inadequacy on going out. I know my weakness leads to bad decisions and leaves me feeling empty to the point where I feel nothing. Literally nothing. Almost no guilt, no remorse, no force that stares me in the face as if to say, 'stop what you're doing. Can't you see????'
It's pitiful that I am sitting here thinking, what if I still go out and not drink. Why am I trying to find loopholes? I pray that I'm strong enough to fight this fight.
"And he called to him the multitude with his disciples, and said to them: If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it; and whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it. For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, of him will the Son of man also be ashamed, when he comes in the glory of his Father with the holy angels." (Mark 8: 34-38)
How did I let this slip right through my fingers?
This is the first time I've ever shared something spiritual on here.
I pray and I hope that this will help me stay accountable.
respond, comment, anything.
If you have just a few minutes to spare, I urge/beg/recommend/implore you to watch this. For me? For knowing that there is something else out there? For just being open-minded.
I've never been more moved by something.
My God, what kind of life am I leading? Some random lady on the subway today was yelling and mumbling something along the lines of "you church going hypocrites." He is definitely is trying to tell me something. He always has been. He always will be. He never gives up.
Who am I? Who do I think I am? To defy him as far as I have. To compromise...to doubt. What am I doing? He is the hope, he is the light, he is the strength when all has gone wrong. He has already taught me that he is my constant. He is there even as all of my temporary happiness fades. What is wrong with me?
I want to fully believe.
I want to put all my trust in him.
I want that perfect love.
I want to give him everything.
But why can't I do it fully? Why am I so skeptical? Why can't I be like my friends and have these near perfect faiths? Why am I so easily distracted?
It pains me that I want to do all this for the right reasons, but still struggle my way through it. I get these spiritual highs and then just let them fade. I admit, I allow it. I watch them dwindle and then pray that he continues to work through my life, but I need to face it: the relationship is a two-way street. In fact, any movement must be made upward, not down.
Honestly, how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
I could blame it on being ashamed, but I'm not. My faults lie in the fact that I am prone to sin. I am prone to going against him. What he wants is not that same as I want. At this point, I blame the majority of my inadequacy on going out. I know my weakness leads to bad decisions and leaves me feeling empty to the point where I feel nothing. Literally nothing. Almost no guilt, no remorse, no force that stares me in the face as if to say, 'stop what you're doing. Can't you see????'
It's pitiful that I am sitting here thinking, what if I still go out and not drink. Why am I trying to find loopholes? I pray that I'm strong enough to fight this fight.
"And he called to him the multitude with his disciples, and said to them: If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it; and whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it. For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, of him will the Son of man also be ashamed, when he comes in the glory of his Father with the holy angels." (Mark 8: 34-38)
How did I let this slip right through my fingers?
This is the first time I've ever shared something spiritual on here.
I pray and I hope that this will help me stay accountable.
respond, comment, anything.