Man Nearly Killed by Giant Hands
Man Nearly Killed by Giant Hands
by Nathan Shaskin
Last night, a man, who requested that he not be named, was allegedly attacked, chased down, and nearly crushed by two gigantic hands.
The man said the following in a statement: "I had just been laid off from my job and came home that evening to find my house was in flames. To make matters worse, not long after the fire department showed up, these two giant hands appeared out of nowhere.
"I ran, but they wouldn't stop following me. Then, to my horror, they caught up to me and tried to pick me up. I nearly got crushed several times in their attempts to grab me. Finally, I dived into an empty dog house, where the hands were much to large to enter. I stayed there until the hands gave up and went away.
"I felt like I was living in a nightmare! When I found out those hands came from my insurance company, I was livid. How could they try to attack me like that? I'm suing!"
We spoke with Mr. Good, the owner of the hands. He said that he was always being misjudged for his hands and he was sick of the prejudice and discrimination. While he admitted they could be mischievous at times, he said his hands usually behaved quite nicely.
When asked why his hands attacked the man who'd just lost his house, he said, "I just wanted to pick him up and tell him he was in good hands. I didn't know he had a fear of giant hands. I mean, most people are afraid of snakes, spiders or closed spaces, but this guy had this weird phobia of giant hands. I work for the insurance company. I do this all the time. When people need help, I'm there to offer my hands. No one has ever tried to run before!"
The insurance company declined to comment.
by Nathan Shaskin
Last night, a man, who requested that he not be named, was allegedly attacked, chased down, and nearly crushed by two gigantic hands.
The man said the following in a statement: "I had just been laid off from my job and came home that evening to find my house was in flames. To make matters worse, not long after the fire department showed up, these two giant hands appeared out of nowhere.
"I ran, but they wouldn't stop following me. Then, to my horror, they caught up to me and tried to pick me up. I nearly got crushed several times in their attempts to grab me. Finally, I dived into an empty dog house, where the hands were much to large to enter. I stayed there until the hands gave up and went away.
"I felt like I was living in a nightmare! When I found out those hands came from my insurance company, I was livid. How could they try to attack me like that? I'm suing!"
We spoke with Mr. Good, the owner of the hands. He said that he was always being misjudged for his hands and he was sick of the prejudice and discrimination. While he admitted they could be mischievous at times, he said his hands usually behaved quite nicely.
When asked why his hands attacked the man who'd just lost his house, he said, "I just wanted to pick him up and tell him he was in good hands. I didn't know he had a fear of giant hands. I mean, most people are afraid of snakes, spiders or closed spaces, but this guy had this weird phobia of giant hands. I work for the insurance company. I do this all the time. When people need help, I'm there to offer my hands. No one has ever tried to run before!"
The insurance company declined to comment.