(no subject)
its 6 am and I am up again. up again about everything that is swarming around my head. a flood of years, clouds up all the space between my brain cells that are constantly burning up. i don’t know what to do or what to say or how to make anything okay again. i am going to have to break your heart because i cant let myself live like this anymore. something that was alive inside of me so long ago is burning out. a flickering flame. looking back at old pictures makes me remember. all of the things that i have shut out for so long. its like i took everything i thought and locked it up in a box for three years and it is all coming out like Pandora’s fucking box and i am trying to save what is left. old songs make me remember the way that i used to feel and it makes me wonder what the fuck happened. i feel like i need to get back to my roots that i have been long ignoring. i have nothing to feel sad or guilty about anymore. i refuse to feel bad for just living the way that i want. i cant write as well as i used to because i am afraid of what will be found afterwards for others to read. i have been covering all the tracks in my head that lead to the thoughts that i am not supposed to think. I have been running backwards.
I want something to make me feel alive again because i have been dead inside for years it seems at least i feel that way. this is all too hard to say and i don't know how i can tell you the truth. i haven't been truthful, because i don't think i have ever been happy. but how do you say that to someone that you care about? that you were never happy? even if is the truth. i don't how nice i can lie anymore. i an getting to tired for this shit. i am too old now to play stupid games with you head as nice as i want to be to this is getting us no where. where did the guts that i used to have go? i want someone to make me light up the way that i used to. I am holding out for that teenage feeling. and baby, you aint. it aint me babe, no no no it aint me youre looking for babe. how do you say that?
Today I am going yesterday. My favorite poem.
today I’m going yesterday
as quickly as i can
i am confident ill do it
I’ve devised a clever plan,
it involves my running backwards
at constant rate of speed
if I’m mindful of my timing ill undoubtedly succeed
today I’m going yesterday
I’m moving very fast
as i am putting off the future
for rather recent past
i can feel the present fading
as i hastily depart
and look forward to arriving the day before i start
today i am going yesterday,
I’m slipping out of sight
and anticipate ill vanish
just a bit before tonight
when i reach my destination
ill compose a note to say
that i will see you all tomorrow
which of course will be today
I want something to make me feel alive again because i have been dead inside for years it seems at least i feel that way. this is all too hard to say and i don't know how i can tell you the truth. i haven't been truthful, because i don't think i have ever been happy. but how do you say that to someone that you care about? that you were never happy? even if is the truth. i don't how nice i can lie anymore. i an getting to tired for this shit. i am too old now to play stupid games with you head as nice as i want to be to this is getting us no where. where did the guts that i used to have go? i want someone to make me light up the way that i used to. I am holding out for that teenage feeling. and baby, you aint. it aint me babe, no no no it aint me youre looking for babe. how do you say that?
Today I am going yesterday. My favorite poem.
today I’m going yesterday
as quickly as i can
i am confident ill do it
I’ve devised a clever plan,
it involves my running backwards
at constant rate of speed
if I’m mindful of my timing ill undoubtedly succeed
today I’m going yesterday
I’m moving very fast
as i am putting off the future
for rather recent past
i can feel the present fading
as i hastily depart
and look forward to arriving the day before i start
today i am going yesterday,
I’m slipping out of sight
and anticipate ill vanish
just a bit before tonight
when i reach my destination
ill compose a note to say
that i will see you all tomorrow
which of course will be today