(no subject)
I've thought and talked about a lot of my past lately. A lot that I haven't thought about in a long while and other things I've never talked about out loud, just on paper. I've done a lot of self-evaluating and self-reflection. There are some things that I've tried my best to forget ever happened because that's easier than dealing with it. There are other moments that I smile at the craziness of my actions. Some were clearly impulsive actions that were so worth getting away with and others were worth the lessons that it taught.
Emotional, traumatic and physical pain has at certain times made me weak, but I have more respect for myself now. Sometimes, I fear change when I'd love to embrace it. I'd like to say that I've accomplished a lot since junior year when I decided to turn my life back around, and I'm proud of myself for that. I made it on the Dean's List, President's List, and Vice President's List in college when I was laughed at and looked down upon for not making National Honors Society in highschool. I was asked to be a mentor in a subject that I love and was able to help enlighten other students while challenging myself. I work until the job is done and don't stop short because giving up is failing and I am not a failure. I feel accomplished.
I know how to deal with pain and misunderstandings in a healthy way instead of letting anger and desperation get the best of me. I'm learning to love myself again which is sometimes hard if you've been told you look a certain way, act a different way, and blamed for other things out of your control. I'm slowly learning to depend on myself first because in the end, you're the only one you have to face in the mirror every morning. If you don't love that person staring back at you, you're not able to love anyone else. Although I'm not there yet, I will overcome it.
I want to be relied on, depended on. I want to be wanted, I need to be needed. I want someone to be proud of me and my accomplishments, I want someone that I can laugh with and cry with, a wake up call at 4am just to hear my voice. I want to inspire, to encourage, to experience a remarkable change big or small, to be accomplished. I want to be a wife, a mother, a friend, a lover. I want to love fearlessly and fully.
And although I'm still trying to fit in all the pieces, most of all, I just want to be me.
Emotional, traumatic and physical pain has at certain times made me weak, but I have more respect for myself now. Sometimes, I fear change when I'd love to embrace it. I'd like to say that I've accomplished a lot since junior year when I decided to turn my life back around, and I'm proud of myself for that. I made it on the Dean's List, President's List, and Vice President's List in college when I was laughed at and looked down upon for not making National Honors Society in highschool. I was asked to be a mentor in a subject that I love and was able to help enlighten other students while challenging myself. I work until the job is done and don't stop short because giving up is failing and I am not a failure. I feel accomplished.
I know how to deal with pain and misunderstandings in a healthy way instead of letting anger and desperation get the best of me. I'm learning to love myself again which is sometimes hard if you've been told you look a certain way, act a different way, and blamed for other things out of your control. I'm slowly learning to depend on myself first because in the end, you're the only one you have to face in the mirror every morning. If you don't love that person staring back at you, you're not able to love anyone else. Although I'm not there yet, I will overcome it.
I want to be relied on, depended on. I want to be wanted, I need to be needed. I want someone to be proud of me and my accomplishments, I want someone that I can laugh with and cry with, a wake up call at 4am just to hear my voice. I want to inspire, to encourage, to experience a remarkable change big or small, to be accomplished. I want to be a wife, a mother, a friend, a lover. I want to love fearlessly and fully.
And although I'm still trying to fit in all the pieces, most of all, I just want to be me.