(no subject)

[starsfallfromme]

yeah so... i'm drunk. i don't care if you know or wht you think about that. i miss doug and i hate myself for missing him. he has a new girl, fine. i'm cool with that. or maybe not.

i wish i showed him the real me.
i wish i could start over.
i wish i could have the guts to talk to him
even to say hi
if i could turn back time i would change alot
i treated him like shit
and i wish i never did that
i wish i could have told him how much he meant to me
i wish i could have showed him
i wish...
i wish he could give me a second chance

but second chances never come
and i miss him
he''l read this... and this will make him happy
the fact that he won
the fact that i'm hurting
the fact that i let him swallow me whole

everything would be sooo different now
if only there were second chances
if only...

i would still love to give him his suprise on may 20th
i would love that chance
i would love that chance to show him that i'm a real person
with a real heart
that would give him the world
if only there were second chances...
but he doesnt give a shit about me anymore
i was thinking about my funeral the other day
something that everyone does every once in a while
i honestly couldn't tell you if he would be there
i want to say yes
i know it would be yes
isn;t it funny how people show up when you are dead
especially since when you were alive,
they totally left you alone
the fact is i fucked up and thought that he could never make me happy
i was dead wrong
because he was the only one i wanted all along.

if only i told him how much i cared
if only i could have been honest
if only i wasnt so scared
if only i gave the mix cd i made
if only i gave the numerous poems i wrote
if only i didn't try so hard to not get hurt

i turned him off for no good reason
just to hurt myself
its the only thing i'm good at
i would have gave everything up for him
everything.

doug, you were the only one i wanted all along.
i'm sorry.