(no subject)
[i wrote this a week or so ago.]
I am in this steady state of never knowing.
Sometimes I feel like this is what I need.
My life seems to be playing out like every movie
I have ever laid my eyes upon.
I have these moments where I just feel invincible.
I feel like I can do anything and be anything.
Consequences seem to always be in the shadows
Of my spontaneous makings.
There seems to always be a price to pay
For the happiness that a second can bring.
That remarkable second where loneliness feels like a pill
That haunts my veins.
A pill that is detoxed out of my body to feel nothing
But warmth and belonging.
With every craving for the affection that I miss
I will break the small white capsule in half
and chase it with every single taste I tried so hard to hate.
I break into pieces of every person I have ever known
and I let my heart do the talking.
Half the time I cannot find ears to listen
but then it will come along
and I let the sun’s rays hit me with more force
Than I knew that I could handle
and I try so hard to keep on two feet.
I am finding it harder and harder to sleep alone
and I am finding it harder
and harder to actually be alone.
I need to be alone.
The only nights I find slumber are when I lay
and lay
and just let your eyes run through my mind over
and over again.
A pair of eyes that seem to whisper your name.
But then I dream
and dream of him.
And him.
I hide in the nearest blanket I can find when I awake.
I cannot let the sun see me like this.
This is one time that you cannot fake it hard enough to please
Everyone
or anyone at all.
I want you
and I want this now.
But what is this
and what is now?
My heart has got in the way too much lately
and the more I tell myself to follow it the more
and more I make a mess.
The more
and more I wish to call you
The more
and more my life gets tossed into more moments,
I just do not want to forget.
At this point,
It becomes a race...
Who keep in touch with me?
Who can ring my telephone the most?
Are not the ones that are actually thinking of me the most.
In a moment
In every moment, I forget that.
I forget you.
Until you again are the moment I want to remember.
The prettiest jewel in the box is soon becoming the dullest
And dirtiest of them all.
My friends keep telling me,
Keep pretending like they know what I need,
What I want...
What I deserve.
I was never one to learn a lesson,
Without a mistake being played.
Put into any given circumstance,
I will become what is expected of me.
I will bite my nails off to forget about you.
Thinking you will not want me if I cannot scratch my nails
Down your back.
Thinking that I just might be the one person that will never be
Forgotten.
And I will give everything up.
I have given it all up.
I am the martyr of your dreams.
Just to give you a brighter future.
And I just wanted to leave all of this with a few memories
For you to hold onto me close.
It seems I might have failed.
I am in this steady state of never knowing.
Sometimes I feel like this is what I need.
My life seems to be playing out like every movie
I have ever laid my eyes upon.
I have these moments where I just feel invincible.
I feel like I can do anything and be anything.
Consequences seem to always be in the shadows
Of my spontaneous makings.
There seems to always be a price to pay
For the happiness that a second can bring.
That remarkable second where loneliness feels like a pill
That haunts my veins.
A pill that is detoxed out of my body to feel nothing
But warmth and belonging.
With every craving for the affection that I miss
I will break the small white capsule in half
and chase it with every single taste I tried so hard to hate.
I break into pieces of every person I have ever known
and I let my heart do the talking.
Half the time I cannot find ears to listen
but then it will come along
and I let the sun’s rays hit me with more force
Than I knew that I could handle
and I try so hard to keep on two feet.
I am finding it harder and harder to sleep alone
and I am finding it harder
and harder to actually be alone.
I need to be alone.
The only nights I find slumber are when I lay
and lay
and just let your eyes run through my mind over
and over again.
A pair of eyes that seem to whisper your name.
But then I dream
and dream of him.
And him.
I hide in the nearest blanket I can find when I awake.
I cannot let the sun see me like this.
This is one time that you cannot fake it hard enough to please
Everyone
or anyone at all.
I want you
and I want this now.
But what is this
and what is now?
My heart has got in the way too much lately
and the more I tell myself to follow it the more
and more I make a mess.
The more
and more I wish to call you
The more
and more my life gets tossed into more moments,
I just do not want to forget.
At this point,
It becomes a race...
Who keep in touch with me?
Who can ring my telephone the most?
Are not the ones that are actually thinking of me the most.
In a moment
In every moment, I forget that.
I forget you.
Until you again are the moment I want to remember.
The prettiest jewel in the box is soon becoming the dullest
And dirtiest of them all.
My friends keep telling me,
Keep pretending like they know what I need,
What I want...
What I deserve.
I was never one to learn a lesson,
Without a mistake being played.
Put into any given circumstance,
I will become what is expected of me.
I will bite my nails off to forget about you.
Thinking you will not want me if I cannot scratch my nails
Down your back.
Thinking that I just might be the one person that will never be
Forgotten.
And I will give everything up.
I have given it all up.
I am the martyr of your dreams.
Just to give you a brighter future.
And I just wanted to leave all of this with a few memories
For you to hold onto me close.
It seems I might have failed.