(no subject)
so we moved into our new place and thats amazing. unfortunately, i have a cold now and i feel all achey and junk. *sigh* all is well with the world is what kimberly would tell me to 'affirm' to myself. wierd. hahaha that was random. umm... i'm playin some wow at the moment because i dont feel well enough to go out and junk. sucks. *sigh* life has been so crazy as of late, with the loss of a friend because of stupidity, with moving, with being in need of a better job, with interviews upon interviews - i am doubting a whole lot of my life right now. like, i doubt who i am a lot, what i'm doing here, if i should go to another town, city, state, should i go back home? all i do know is i need like a weeks vacation, away from this california life, a week of a different life. but i'm afraid, what if i do that and i like it, will i ever come back to california? we all know i don't like it here, haha. i love my man and i love my friends, but - is that enough to suck it up and stay? it is, bud i do need some solitude, some away time, sometime to hang out and think. *sigh* wow, this is so not me, i'm usually always wanting to be with someone i know, take someone with me. *sigh* what is this i'm feeling.
in 6 days it will be the one year anniversary of when i lost hope elisabeth. :( i hide my pain oh so well. i look at the picture, the only picture of her - and it happens to be of her in my belly. missing her grows deeper everyday when i see people with babies or pregnant ladies. i wish i would have held her in my hands, touched her, comforted her in her last moments but all i could do was look and say "i'm sorry i wasn't a good enough mother that you would have lived'. i dont know if that would have helped, i dont know if it would have made me look at this differently, would it have given me some closure? i don't know. all i know is i miss the fluttering in my belly, i miss getting my pregnant belly, i miss people rubbing my belly saying 'hey baby, you stay in there and get better'. i miss all the mommy feelings and the wierd cravings for food. i miss bud holding my belly, listening to the baby with his ear on my tummy saying 'you're my baby too, get better soon.' *sigh* i'm all weepy now, so i must return to wow, where i can get away from this thought of losing my baby. (except, i'll prolly talk to my new good friend isaac about it on there, but he always helps me feel better so i guess its okay.)
in 6 days it will be the one year anniversary of when i lost hope elisabeth. :( i hide my pain oh so well. i look at the picture, the only picture of her - and it happens to be of her in my belly. missing her grows deeper everyday when i see people with babies or pregnant ladies. i wish i would have held her in my hands, touched her, comforted her in her last moments but all i could do was look and say "i'm sorry i wasn't a good enough mother that you would have lived'. i dont know if that would have helped, i dont know if it would have made me look at this differently, would it have given me some closure? i don't know. all i know is i miss the fluttering in my belly, i miss getting my pregnant belly, i miss people rubbing my belly saying 'hey baby, you stay in there and get better'. i miss all the mommy feelings and the wierd cravings for food. i miss bud holding my belly, listening to the baby with his ear on my tummy saying 'you're my baby too, get better soon.' *sigh* i'm all weepy now, so i must return to wow, where i can get away from this thought of losing my baby. (except, i'll prolly talk to my new good friend isaac about it on there, but he always helps me feel better so i guess its okay.)