damn you diaryland..me in some deep thoughts...it's been a while
so i was going to update in diaryland but they decided to be gay so i now have to update in here, this is a long one, i warn you....
i think it's crazy how things change over time. all of my life, i've always made such a big issue with whatever was happening to me at that moment, especially when it was about a guy. and now, i look back at it all, and i think, "it wasn't so bad, why was i so upset" well, with a few exceptions of course. but they've made an impact in my life. lets go more into it, i'm just going to ramble about my past, so don't mind me....
mike wood. he was the first love of my life. granted, i was only 14. i suppose i would call it puppy love, because i never knew and still don't know, to this day, if he took our relationship as seriously as i did. it's weird tho. we only we out for 4 months, and i was so in love with him. it took me a year and a half to get over him. how crazy is that! that didn't mean that i didn't move on with other guys, i just didn't feel as tho i wasn't being true to them, so eventually i broke up with them because of it. well, there is no 'them', it was just one guy at the time. a year and a half, i weeped, sobbed, longed, yearned, and was empty. i do not know how i did that. i never had to go thru anything like that again. and i hope i never do. and the sad thing is, i was manipulated twice by him. twice. and that was it. i knew he wasn't the same person that i had fallen in love with. so it wasn't until i met someone else, to help me move on. and granted, he's what helped me get over mike, i don't think he had an impact in my life. so i guess he's not worth mentioning. lol.
john hooks II. the begining of my senior year was when we met. it was weird. i never thought i would've ended up dating him, yet i learned so much from him. it's very hard for me to describe what i actually learned but i just the value of his friendship means a lot to me because of the kind of person he is. very dedicated and loyal to his family. i've never met anyone like that before. we used to have these deep conversations, and the way he would form his sentences, and the way he would say things made me look at life differently. and i hate the fact that i can't remember. and altho i can't remember what was said, or how things went, i CAN remember how i felt at the time, that's the only thing i can ever remember with anyone or anything. i suppose that's why i write everything down. but anyhow, we went out, not to mention, was my first in some things. so yeah, things didn't work out so he broke up with me. at the time, i was devistated. but you know everything happens for a reason. and i also realize, the time i write best, like poems, are when i'm depressed. like when a guy breaks up with me...that's when i write best, i think. anyway, i think from the start, john and i were just meant to be friends, because i was so scared to go out with him because i didn't want to ruin our friendship that we had, and altho it took us almost a year to be friends again, it made me happy to know that we were able to get past everything and work things out.
last, but certainly not least, jon braun. as you all know, my current boyfriend. from the begining, i knew, if i went out with him, i was going to fall in love and i knew i wouldn't be able to turn back and that i would want it to last. so i think that's why it took us so long to end up together. everyone knew we were going to fall in love with eachother, cause that's how we both are. it was funny how in the begining we were both shy and timid cause the transition was weird. but now, i've never been more comfortable with anyone in my entire life. i really could not picture my life without him. it's crazy. this past weekend made me realize how much i love him. cause when i look back and thought about how much i was in love with mike, this DOES NOT compare! this feeling is so much MORE! jon is really my best friend! everyone says, "how can you see him everyday, how can you hang out with him almost everyday?" well, how do you see your best friend almost everyday? all because we have a title do us doesn't mean anything different. jon and i have gone thru our little crazy loops, but i think the fact that him and i have great communication skills, we can defeat any problem that comes our way. i've never had that with anyone. granted, i get stubborn sometimes and i don't want to speak, but once i cool off, i'm ready and willing to say what i feel. i just feel so lucky. and it scares me sometimes, the fact that i love him so much. i'm scared if things wouldn't work out [because anything is possible], i'm scared that i wouldn't be able to move on, or it would take me a long time, or i would be scared that i wouldn't be able to find anyone to 'replace' him. you know? our personalities mesh together so well, it almost seems like it's fate that put us together, but i don't think i will truly know if it's fate for us to be together until the future. if this is the guy i marry, then it is fate. if not, then i know it's not. i will be, who i am supposed to be with in the end. that's what i believe. jon is really so special to me, and the fact the he is my first has a lot to do with it. that fact that we were eachother's first, that's something really special to me. i'm really glad i waited. that is something that cannot be replaced ever. therefore, i wouldn't want to be with anyone else in my life, cause i don't want to have something to compare to, and i like that. i am just really happy him and i ended up together. and as of right now, i honestly think that it is fate that we are together. i know, that sounds corny, but who cares what you think! :) i'm happy and i'm in love and that's all that matters!!!
so yeah, that's pretty much it. i believe that those are the 3 main guys that have had an impact in my life. and that is something i definately do not want to forget.
i'm sorry this was such a long entry, but i got inspired to write, so i did. thank you for listening.
i think it's crazy how things change over time. all of my life, i've always made such a big issue with whatever was happening to me at that moment, especially when it was about a guy. and now, i look back at it all, and i think, "it wasn't so bad, why was i so upset" well, with a few exceptions of course. but they've made an impact in my life. lets go more into it, i'm just going to ramble about my past, so don't mind me....
mike wood. he was the first love of my life. granted, i was only 14. i suppose i would call it puppy love, because i never knew and still don't know, to this day, if he took our relationship as seriously as i did. it's weird tho. we only we out for 4 months, and i was so in love with him. it took me a year and a half to get over him. how crazy is that! that didn't mean that i didn't move on with other guys, i just didn't feel as tho i wasn't being true to them, so eventually i broke up with them because of it. well, there is no 'them', it was just one guy at the time. a year and a half, i weeped, sobbed, longed, yearned, and was empty. i do not know how i did that. i never had to go thru anything like that again. and i hope i never do. and the sad thing is, i was manipulated twice by him. twice. and that was it. i knew he wasn't the same person that i had fallen in love with. so it wasn't until i met someone else, to help me move on. and granted, he's what helped me get over mike, i don't think he had an impact in my life. so i guess he's not worth mentioning. lol.
john hooks II. the begining of my senior year was when we met. it was weird. i never thought i would've ended up dating him, yet i learned so much from him. it's very hard for me to describe what i actually learned but i just the value of his friendship means a lot to me because of the kind of person he is. very dedicated and loyal to his family. i've never met anyone like that before. we used to have these deep conversations, and the way he would form his sentences, and the way he would say things made me look at life differently. and i hate the fact that i can't remember. and altho i can't remember what was said, or how things went, i CAN remember how i felt at the time, that's the only thing i can ever remember with anyone or anything. i suppose that's why i write everything down. but anyhow, we went out, not to mention, was my first in some things. so yeah, things didn't work out so he broke up with me. at the time, i was devistated. but you know everything happens for a reason. and i also realize, the time i write best, like poems, are when i'm depressed. like when a guy breaks up with me...that's when i write best, i think. anyway, i think from the start, john and i were just meant to be friends, because i was so scared to go out with him because i didn't want to ruin our friendship that we had, and altho it took us almost a year to be friends again, it made me happy to know that we were able to get past everything and work things out.
last, but certainly not least, jon braun. as you all know, my current boyfriend. from the begining, i knew, if i went out with him, i was going to fall in love and i knew i wouldn't be able to turn back and that i would want it to last. so i think that's why it took us so long to end up together. everyone knew we were going to fall in love with eachother, cause that's how we both are. it was funny how in the begining we were both shy and timid cause the transition was weird. but now, i've never been more comfortable with anyone in my entire life. i really could not picture my life without him. it's crazy. this past weekend made me realize how much i love him. cause when i look back and thought about how much i was in love with mike, this DOES NOT compare! this feeling is so much MORE! jon is really my best friend! everyone says, "how can you see him everyday, how can you hang out with him almost everyday?" well, how do you see your best friend almost everyday? all because we have a title do us doesn't mean anything different. jon and i have gone thru our little crazy loops, but i think the fact that him and i have great communication skills, we can defeat any problem that comes our way. i've never had that with anyone. granted, i get stubborn sometimes and i don't want to speak, but once i cool off, i'm ready and willing to say what i feel. i just feel so lucky. and it scares me sometimes, the fact that i love him so much. i'm scared if things wouldn't work out [because anything is possible], i'm scared that i wouldn't be able to move on, or it would take me a long time, or i would be scared that i wouldn't be able to find anyone to 'replace' him. you know? our personalities mesh together so well, it almost seems like it's fate that put us together, but i don't think i will truly know if it's fate for us to be together until the future. if this is the guy i marry, then it is fate. if not, then i know it's not. i will be, who i am supposed to be with in the end. that's what i believe. jon is really so special to me, and the fact the he is my first has a lot to do with it. that fact that we were eachother's first, that's something really special to me. i'm really glad i waited. that is something that cannot be replaced ever. therefore, i wouldn't want to be with anyone else in my life, cause i don't want to have something to compare to, and i like that. i am just really happy him and i ended up together. and as of right now, i honestly think that it is fate that we are together. i know, that sounds corny, but who cares what you think! :) i'm happy and i'm in love and that's all that matters!!!
so yeah, that's pretty much it. i believe that those are the 3 main guys that have had an impact in my life. and that is something i definately do not want to forget.
i'm sorry this was such a long entry, but i got inspired to write, so i did. thank you for listening.