i have to write this down
before i forget which usually happens and then i never remember what i was thinking. and usually i get too lazy to write it down and it becomes forever lost.
so i don't know what got me to thinking about my most recent ex, but i thought about how hard it is to see my boyfriend, and how he's really understanding about it...despite living so close to each other, we see each other only every other two days or so, and this could be helped if either of us had a license... but we are too lazy to do so, well he's just lazy to get it (understandable, all that crap you have to do to get one) and i don't have the time to learn (ie parents dont have time to teach me) or the money to pay for classes. ANYWAY the boyfriend is really understanding, and i guess that's what got me to think about franklin's reason for not wanting to be with me anymore---we wouldn't be able to see each other often cuz he lived about 25 minutes over. so in other words he wasn't a fan of the long distance. but who is! well. then i thought about why distance was an issue for franklin and not for russell...or maybe not distance per se, but that we wouldn't/are not seeing each other as much as we'd like, with my parents' store and lack of transportation, strict ties of the padres, etc. is that russell got to know me, loves me, and franklin never did? is he really understanding of the situation, and franklin wouldn't be if i were with him right now which is really odd and strange to think about, so i won't.... is it both love and understanding of the situation? i mean.... if i hadn't been with russell as often as i was in the beginning of our relationship... with the help of going to the same high school... having similar schedules... would he have still wanted to continue? i would have...idk now i'm confused , because in both relationships talking was done almost every day, which is funny now to think about because with franklin the talking was a lot about getting to know each other,... i think, at least from what i can remember... and with russell it was not really so much of that but just...vibing and talking about whatever, connecting and having fun....and now its sillygaga and not so much of getting to know each other at all....which i wish tehre was more of. i there's anything i'd change about us its that, but usually there's just no time for that and more for enjoying the time we have to be with each other. but look at us now, online, with time, and being totally silly lol. sometimes i really want to talk, but i can never bring it up myself. i want to be asked but i never am.
WHOA got really off topic. anyway, so then i thought about college and how i'm not really close to anyone there, and im thinking maybe its because i just haven't been around them when we've had free time. its only during the school week that that happens cuz i've always gone home or had to go to the store and work there. so people just lost interest in getting to know me. cuz i mean, they never really had a chance. mixed with me not really showing who i am, or not being as sociable as i'd like to be, and bam you get what? people not getting to know you because you are not there. is that what happened with franklin? the thing is... he didn't
when i get really clsoe to someone...i guess i have trouble..having them come in. i dont know. for fearthat they won't like what's there? and i guess it's that fear that seemingly unconditional love isn't really...i'm afraid of fully trusting what could possibly break on me. not like i've been deceptively hurt in the past or whatever. i just don't like getting hurt, because the way i hurt , it hurts personally. it makes me feel bad about myself. and the last thing i would want, because it would hurt the most, is having the person i love the most in the world hurt me. but with russell...i trust him completely. it's still hard to open up though. but i just know that if he asked? i'd tell him everything, honestly. i mean there's still kind of that fear....but its overpowered by the sense of comfort he gives me, and the love he gives me, and the love i have for him..in wanting to share my life with him, i want him to have all of me, every piece, he deserves it, not cuz i'm special or anything...but he deserves a whole person...because he makes me feel like a whole person. he makes me feel all put together. i just wish i could do something for him. be as good for him as he is to me. oh my bubu.
sidetracked again. well, yeah.
lulu (2:02:12 AM): thanks for understanding that i can't see you all the time or at least as often as we both would like
bubu (2:02:37 AM): aww its tay cutie cause guess what
bubu (2:02:46 AM): i do understand
lulu (2:03:12 AM): thank you bubu
bubu (2:03:23 AM): its really okay
my sweetie. well yes. that's what caused another thought.... that he really understands. but does he understand because he loves, or beause he understands...not that this would make a difference in how i feel about him or on my perception on his feelings for me...but maybe it would give some insight on relationships with others...friendships, and stuff. hmm. i think a friend worth having is someone with both the understanding because they love you, and because they understand anyway. does that make sense? i actually dont know. whatever! i just need to be a better me. i don't want to feel like choosing wellesley is a mistake anymore. and i really think that feeling stems from my perception of myself, and how that perception is reflected in my behavior with others.... i thought the solution would be to accept myself as i am now or to change myself...but i think now that i can be a better version of myself. i want to be better than who i am now, cuz i don't totally like me now. its silly because i don't like myself now because i feel like no one likes me. besides my boyfriend (he's insane). but yeah. but if i could just like myself or just improve myself..err improved is not the right word, nor is wanting a better version of myself...but just..a clean me, a better me...me still being me but with ME shining through more...not me only as i know me, but a me that everyone knows...this is probably all stupid. doing this because i care about whether i have friends and whetheri will feel included and loved and liked...but then again it's not really because of that. i think being a better me would improve how i interact with my boyfriend...i think it'd be more fair to him in that i am more confident in myself...less of the nagging and less of him feeling guilty...well sometimes he should!! but that's ok. more of his happiness and having me entirely. and eh i guess why shouldn't i want to feel included or liked or loved by others? having closer friendships would help me feel better about myself..but again it's first how i feel about myself. but how is this going to happen if i don't rely on how others act toward me? i guess it'd be noticable in how i act towards others. and then in their reactions to me. ugh. i don't know. i think it's that. kinda makes sense. wow this entry is incredibly long. but yeah. i think i should just give more of myself...because that's what i'm really afraid of...giving myself or showing myself to others. the people i'm most comfortable with are the people i can be myself around. so i should do that more. i can mostly do that with russell, but there are some parts of me i can't as easily, and that's what i should work on with him. as for with others, it's the parts that i can do with russell... this all has to do with confidence with myself, and looking at the good and the bad parts of me, having the best shine through...no doubt that the bad parts will come through...could this insecurity possibly be just a bad characteristic? no...because it interferes with the good parts of me coming out. so go me. go me, out there, wanting to show who you really are...wanting the best of things to happen to you...because i think deep down you think you deserve it, you think you deserve love and happiness...deep down is that confidence you have to bring out, deep down is that part of you that for some reason has become hidden...you want a new you, a better you.... and to people who think that isn't possible... it isn't impossible. not if you want it enough. for yourself and for people you love. look at me. i'm trying. at least i'm trying, or will try, right? i dont know. doubt again surfaces...makes me wonder why i really want this. i want to be happy with myself. do i want it because i dont want to feel lonely at college? well also so that i don't hurt russell in the process..with my insecurities and jealousies...i feel like its honestly gonna hurt us and him if i don't do something about this. and it's gonna hurt how i feel at college and then how i interact with my family, possibly. i don't want that. i want to be happy with myself, and at least if anything goes wrong then, i won't hate myself for it...or perhaps just as importantly, anyone else. mistakes can be made, but i don't want it to be the result of my own insecurities, that could have definitely been helped...
im so glad i'm on vacation because i think having so much time and noting to worry about helps with this thinking out...and im so glad i have my best friend here to be my listener and my rock. my other best buddy is in peru, i miss you peruchita. my other best friend is sleeping right now, loves me unconditionally, of that i'm sure, because she's my mommy hehe, and i really want to help her out, i shouldn't be so selfish, not wanting to go to the store, being cranky, etc...its not her fault or my dad's fault that they don't have time, they just want thebest for us, the least i could do is help back, because i honestly want to. and my sister, who is silently going through something, she thinks i don't notice, but honey when i was younger i hid things too...and i wish someone noticed. i want to help you. help you understand that having someone loving you can't make you love yourself. you have to love yourself. it seems like you want love from that person but you just want to be loved. when you want love you want that other person to be happy too, to be loved, and to be the person giving them that love. just the fact that someone loves me right now makes me incredibly lucky because yeah it does help me feel better about myself...however it doesn't make me love myself...but being in love with him makes me want to love myself, so i can give all of me to him...without fear. cuz i feel complete with him. so i know i am there. i know i'm here. i exist, me. maybe it took a love to help me realize this, maybe it took him...maybe it just takes someone else. so if i could tell you this and help you a little, maybe it'll help you. or maybe im judging you all wrong lol probably and you really do love this person and this person loves you. wonderful. i'm so glad. i hope you share it with me. i admire you so much jenny. no te lo olvides.
but yeah. oh my bubu. i hope i see you tomorrow. maybe i will show you this. mmmmmmmmwuah. i love you.
hmm, now the pressing question is whether to make this public. i think i dare to take the chance of lookin like a fool, a fool!!! - phoebe
thank you Diosito.
oh and ps in case anyoen does read this, grammar and typos aren't this bad or horrific, i am quite dilligenet with the grammarness. well we'll see in my writing 125 class.
ew i kind of sound stupid in this entry don't i. woops lmao
so i don't know what got me to thinking about my most recent ex, but i thought about how hard it is to see my boyfriend, and how he's really understanding about it...despite living so close to each other, we see each other only every other two days or so, and this could be helped if either of us had a license... but we are too lazy to do so, well he's just lazy to get it (understandable, all that crap you have to do to get one) and i don't have the time to learn (ie parents dont have time to teach me) or the money to pay for classes. ANYWAY the boyfriend is really understanding, and i guess that's what got me to think about franklin's reason for not wanting to be with me anymore---we wouldn't be able to see each other often cuz he lived about 25 minutes over. so in other words he wasn't a fan of the long distance. but who is! well. then i thought about why distance was an issue for franklin and not for russell...or maybe not distance per se, but that we wouldn't/are not seeing each other as much as we'd like, with my parents' store and lack of transportation, strict ties of the padres, etc. is that russell got to know me, loves me, and franklin never did? is he really understanding of the situation, and franklin wouldn't be if i were with him right now which is really odd and strange to think about, so i won't.... is it both love and understanding of the situation? i mean.... if i hadn't been with russell as often as i was in the beginning of our relationship... with the help of going to the same high school... having similar schedules... would he have still wanted to continue? i would have...idk now i'm confused , because in both relationships talking was done almost every day, which is funny now to think about because with franklin the talking was a lot about getting to know each other,... i think, at least from what i can remember... and with russell it was not really so much of that but just...vibing and talking about whatever, connecting and having fun....and now its sillygaga and not so much of getting to know each other at all....which i wish tehre was more of. i there's anything i'd change about us its that, but usually there's just no time for that and more for enjoying the time we have to be with each other. but look at us now, online, with time, and being totally silly lol. sometimes i really want to talk, but i can never bring it up myself. i want to be asked but i never am.
WHOA got really off topic. anyway, so then i thought about college and how i'm not really close to anyone there, and im thinking maybe its because i just haven't been around them when we've had free time. its only during the school week that that happens cuz i've always gone home or had to go to the store and work there. so people just lost interest in getting to know me. cuz i mean, they never really had a chance. mixed with me not really showing who i am, or not being as sociable as i'd like to be, and bam you get what? people not getting to know you because you are not there. is that what happened with franklin? the thing is... he didn't
when i get really clsoe to someone...i guess i have trouble..having them come in. i dont know. for fearthat they won't like what's there? and i guess it's that fear that seemingly unconditional love isn't really...i'm afraid of fully trusting what could possibly break on me. not like i've been deceptively hurt in the past or whatever. i just don't like getting hurt, because the way i hurt , it hurts personally. it makes me feel bad about myself. and the last thing i would want, because it would hurt the most, is having the person i love the most in the world hurt me. but with russell...i trust him completely. it's still hard to open up though. but i just know that if he asked? i'd tell him everything, honestly. i mean there's still kind of that fear....but its overpowered by the sense of comfort he gives me, and the love he gives me, and the love i have for him..in wanting to share my life with him, i want him to have all of me, every piece, he deserves it, not cuz i'm special or anything...but he deserves a whole person...because he makes me feel like a whole person. he makes me feel all put together. i just wish i could do something for him. be as good for him as he is to me. oh my bubu.
sidetracked again. well, yeah.
lulu (2:02:12 AM): thanks for understanding that i can't see you all the time or at least as often as we both would like
bubu (2:02:37 AM): aww its tay cutie cause guess what
bubu (2:02:46 AM): i do understand
lulu (2:03:12 AM): thank you bubu
bubu (2:03:23 AM): its really okay
my sweetie. well yes. that's what caused another thought.... that he really understands. but does he understand because he loves, or beause he understands...not that this would make a difference in how i feel about him or on my perception on his feelings for me...but maybe it would give some insight on relationships with others...friendships, and stuff. hmm. i think a friend worth having is someone with both the understanding because they love you, and because they understand anyway. does that make sense? i actually dont know. whatever! i just need to be a better me. i don't want to feel like choosing wellesley is a mistake anymore. and i really think that feeling stems from my perception of myself, and how that perception is reflected in my behavior with others.... i thought the solution would be to accept myself as i am now or to change myself...but i think now that i can be a better version of myself. i want to be better than who i am now, cuz i don't totally like me now. its silly because i don't like myself now because i feel like no one likes me. besides my boyfriend (he's insane). but yeah. but if i could just like myself or just improve myself..err improved is not the right word, nor is wanting a better version of myself...but just..a clean me, a better me...me still being me but with ME shining through more...not me only as i know me, but a me that everyone knows...this is probably all stupid. doing this because i care about whether i have friends and whetheri will feel included and loved and liked...but then again it's not really because of that. i think being a better me would improve how i interact with my boyfriend...i think it'd be more fair to him in that i am more confident in myself...less of the nagging and less of him feeling guilty...well sometimes he should!! but that's ok. more of his happiness and having me entirely. and eh i guess why shouldn't i want to feel included or liked or loved by others? having closer friendships would help me feel better about myself..but again it's first how i feel about myself. but how is this going to happen if i don't rely on how others act toward me? i guess it'd be noticable in how i act towards others. and then in their reactions to me. ugh. i don't know. i think it's that. kinda makes sense. wow this entry is incredibly long. but yeah. i think i should just give more of myself...because that's what i'm really afraid of...giving myself or showing myself to others. the people i'm most comfortable with are the people i can be myself around. so i should do that more. i can mostly do that with russell, but there are some parts of me i can't as easily, and that's what i should work on with him. as for with others, it's the parts that i can do with russell... this all has to do with confidence with myself, and looking at the good and the bad parts of me, having the best shine through...no doubt that the bad parts will come through...could this insecurity possibly be just a bad characteristic? no...because it interferes with the good parts of me coming out. so go me. go me, out there, wanting to show who you really are...wanting the best of things to happen to you...because i think deep down you think you deserve it, you think you deserve love and happiness...deep down is that confidence you have to bring out, deep down is that part of you that for some reason has become hidden...you want a new you, a better you.... and to people who think that isn't possible... it isn't impossible. not if you want it enough. for yourself and for people you love. look at me. i'm trying. at least i'm trying, or will try, right? i dont know. doubt again surfaces...makes me wonder why i really want this. i want to be happy with myself. do i want it because i dont want to feel lonely at college? well also so that i don't hurt russell in the process..with my insecurities and jealousies...i feel like its honestly gonna hurt us and him if i don't do something about this. and it's gonna hurt how i feel at college and then how i interact with my family, possibly. i don't want that. i want to be happy with myself, and at least if anything goes wrong then, i won't hate myself for it...or perhaps just as importantly, anyone else. mistakes can be made, but i don't want it to be the result of my own insecurities, that could have definitely been helped...
im so glad i'm on vacation because i think having so much time and noting to worry about helps with this thinking out...and im so glad i have my best friend here to be my listener and my rock. my other best buddy is in peru, i miss you peruchita. my other best friend is sleeping right now, loves me unconditionally, of that i'm sure, because she's my mommy hehe, and i really want to help her out, i shouldn't be so selfish, not wanting to go to the store, being cranky, etc...its not her fault or my dad's fault that they don't have time, they just want thebest for us, the least i could do is help back, because i honestly want to. and my sister, who is silently going through something, she thinks i don't notice, but honey when i was younger i hid things too...and i wish someone noticed. i want to help you. help you understand that having someone loving you can't make you love yourself. you have to love yourself. it seems like you want love from that person but you just want to be loved. when you want love you want that other person to be happy too, to be loved, and to be the person giving them that love. just the fact that someone loves me right now makes me incredibly lucky because yeah it does help me feel better about myself...however it doesn't make me love myself...but being in love with him makes me want to love myself, so i can give all of me to him...without fear. cuz i feel complete with him. so i know i am there. i know i'm here. i exist, me. maybe it took a love to help me realize this, maybe it took him...maybe it just takes someone else. so if i could tell you this and help you a little, maybe it'll help you. or maybe im judging you all wrong lol probably and you really do love this person and this person loves you. wonderful. i'm so glad. i hope you share it with me. i admire you so much jenny. no te lo olvides.
but yeah. oh my bubu. i hope i see you tomorrow. maybe i will show you this. mmmmmmmmwuah. i love you.
hmm, now the pressing question is whether to make this public. i think i dare to take the chance of lookin like a fool, a fool!!! - phoebe
thank you Diosito.
oh and ps in case anyoen does read this, grammar and typos aren't this bad or horrific, i am quite dilligenet with the grammarness. well we'll see in my writing 125 class.
ew i kind of sound stupid in this entry don't i. woops lmao