(no subject)

[stars_arefading]

i try my best to be spontaneous
but i can't help but find comfort in routine.

not necessarily doing the same thing every day
but always having someone to do something with
i can't help but hate not knowing if i'm going to stay at home all day
or go out and do something with someone
i don't mind staying home.
i just like the next day planned out before i go to bed.
i know this is something i need to work on.
being thrown off the routine of going to kyles everyday
was the worst part of the whole situation.
i'm not an independent person. i don't want to be.

i don't really like the way i've acted the past month
but i think it's all a part of figuring myself out.
learning and growing.
i just wish i didn't have to do it alone.
i tried doing it not alone and it ruined what could have been an amazing relationship.
at least it ended soon enough to where we could go back to being best friends.
i need to do it alone.
and that's what keeps me up all night.
i try to be in denial about the whole process
but it just makes everything worse. i don't want to go through it.
i just want to go back to being me.