depression hurts.. yup, yup it does
So.. I'm depressed.. really depressed.. my life sucks. i hate it. I just want to run away.. not forever.. but i don't know how long.. I don't want anyone around me because I feel so awful.
I feel unloved. I feel hollow. i feel empty. i don't feel...
I hate myself. I hate who I am because of this anger and resentment and frustration built up inside me.
And then I find myself hating the people that I love and care for the most in this life.. my friends, my family, Paul.. and even my own child at times.. and then I hate myself more and more.
But everytime I TRY to tell someone how I'm feeling, I build my wall. My don't fuck with me wall. My happy face but scared little girl on the inside. My normal Starr bubbly/smiley self.. but it's only a front.. I'm not really happy or satisfied. I'm hurting on the inside.
But I'm too ashamed to let anyone know the full extent of it all. I'm too ashamed to say things like "I am dropping tommy off and I'm running away.' because I've thought about that a lot.
Or sometimes on nights when I can't sleep, I take 3 or 4 tylenol 3's because 2 doesn't touch me anymore.. that's how often I take them. and I'm ashamed of that.
Or sometimes i think that sleeping with another man would make me feel better but the more I think about it the more I hate myself for thinking it. did i lose you? i think i lost myself.. but that makes me ashamed of me.
how about when i wake up crying in the middle of the night i try to write things down but when i re-read them they didn't make sense, except that 9 out of 10 times it has something to do with Paul.
or how about on those nights.. I go wash my face with the light off and stare myself down and hate myself more and more..
or how about i had the bottle of pills and a glass of water and wanted to do it but didn't because i knew it was selfish and I hate myself more for even thinking about ending it..
or how about that I use sex as an outlet.. it's hard to explain.. like sex is being close to someone that i don't feel close to... did that make sense? like sex to me is my way of faking that i'm normal i guess.. like if i have sex it's that i'm being close to Paul... or ... i don't know how to describe it the right way... like i hide behind sex. like if he doesn't want it.. it HAS to be me.. something i did, or didn't do.. i'm not attractive enough, i'm not pretty enough. i'm not skinny enough. it's always me.. it HAS to be me.. it's like a control thing i guess.. i don't really know..
Tonight I just want to run away. I hate myself. I'm crazy. I'm depressed. I'm lonely. And I feel completely alone.. i feel understimulated. Like I'm not needed by anyone. Like even if we had 4 kids we'd be the same because of ME. like i'm the blame for it all.. all our issues.. and i know i am..
I am a jealous person.. Paul goes to bars with his coworkers on off nights if he isn't traveling home due to distance or whatever.. he gets to travel. he's basically FREE. and i feel so trapped.. i feel like i'm under all this scruteney.. if my kid is bad it reflects on me.. i'm a bad mom. if he doesn't listen it's my fault. i'm the bad mom. if i get annoyed or angered easily it's because i'm a bad mom.. he's not here to help.. and when he is i feel like i have to walk on egg shells.. i feel like i have to be careful not to upset him or anger him because "he's only home for 3 days". and if he gets upset it's my fault.
i feel very alone.. and cold.. and resentful. and hell--resented.. i'm jealous. i'm hateful. i'm a bitch. and i'm emotional.. i'm depressed.. and i don't trust people.. so now what?
here i sit at 2 am writing instead of sleeping. i try to sleep but i lay awake for what feels like forever... i mean my legs hurt and my hips go numb from laying on one side for so long.. I think i'm mentally and physically drained and exhausted.. but how do you fix a mental exhaustion when you don't trust?
How do I open up.. livejournal is how..
I feel unloved. I feel hollow. i feel empty. i don't feel...
I hate myself. I hate who I am because of this anger and resentment and frustration built up inside me.
And then I find myself hating the people that I love and care for the most in this life.. my friends, my family, Paul.. and even my own child at times.. and then I hate myself more and more.
But everytime I TRY to tell someone how I'm feeling, I build my wall. My don't fuck with me wall. My happy face but scared little girl on the inside. My normal Starr bubbly/smiley self.. but it's only a front.. I'm not really happy or satisfied. I'm hurting on the inside.
But I'm too ashamed to let anyone know the full extent of it all. I'm too ashamed to say things like "I am dropping tommy off and I'm running away.' because I've thought about that a lot.
Or sometimes on nights when I can't sleep, I take 3 or 4 tylenol 3's because 2 doesn't touch me anymore.. that's how often I take them. and I'm ashamed of that.
Or sometimes i think that sleeping with another man would make me feel better but the more I think about it the more I hate myself for thinking it. did i lose you? i think i lost myself.. but that makes me ashamed of me.
how about when i wake up crying in the middle of the night i try to write things down but when i re-read them they didn't make sense, except that 9 out of 10 times it has something to do with Paul.
or how about on those nights.. I go wash my face with the light off and stare myself down and hate myself more and more..
or how about i had the bottle of pills and a glass of water and wanted to do it but didn't because i knew it was selfish and I hate myself more for even thinking about ending it..
or how about that I use sex as an outlet.. it's hard to explain.. like sex is being close to someone that i don't feel close to... did that make sense? like sex to me is my way of faking that i'm normal i guess.. like if i have sex it's that i'm being close to Paul... or ... i don't know how to describe it the right way... like i hide behind sex. like if he doesn't want it.. it HAS to be me.. something i did, or didn't do.. i'm not attractive enough, i'm not pretty enough. i'm not skinny enough. it's always me.. it HAS to be me.. it's like a control thing i guess.. i don't really know..
Tonight I just want to run away. I hate myself. I'm crazy. I'm depressed. I'm lonely. And I feel completely alone.. i feel understimulated. Like I'm not needed by anyone. Like even if we had 4 kids we'd be the same because of ME. like i'm the blame for it all.. all our issues.. and i know i am..
I am a jealous person.. Paul goes to bars with his coworkers on off nights if he isn't traveling home due to distance or whatever.. he gets to travel. he's basically FREE. and i feel so trapped.. i feel like i'm under all this scruteney.. if my kid is bad it reflects on me.. i'm a bad mom. if he doesn't listen it's my fault. i'm the bad mom. if i get annoyed or angered easily it's because i'm a bad mom.. he's not here to help.. and when he is i feel like i have to walk on egg shells.. i feel like i have to be careful not to upset him or anger him because "he's only home for 3 days". and if he gets upset it's my fault.
i feel very alone.. and cold.. and resentful. and hell--resented.. i'm jealous. i'm hateful. i'm a bitch. and i'm emotional.. i'm depressed.. and i don't trust people.. so now what?
here i sit at 2 am writing instead of sleeping. i try to sleep but i lay awake for what feels like forever... i mean my legs hurt and my hips go numb from laying on one side for so long.. I think i'm mentally and physically drained and exhausted.. but how do you fix a mental exhaustion when you don't trust?
How do I open up.. livejournal is how..