(no subject)
i feel pretty worthless tonight. i've been gaining weight. packing on 15 pounds is a big deal for me. i miss jay terribly and am conflicted about my present love triangle. i dont have any motivation to exercise or take care of myself. my parents are irritating the fuck out of me- not so much because i don't like them...just something about this house. i feel like i'm regressing here. i havent made any real art in god only know how long. not seeming to have any control whatsoever over my eating, my love life, my art, or my living situation is bumming me the hell out.
i'm scared my etsu loans won't come in on time and that my schedule will get screwed up. i don't know how much more defeat i can take. if things don't get better with school starting, then i'm going to be scared for my sanity. because now, i have no one to hold me up. i have to start actually getting shit done on my own. i'm terribly weak. standing on my own two feet seems to be damn near impossible for me. why is that, exactly?
what's preventing me from being happy with myself, on my own? i don't know if there are just some people that aren't meant to be by themselves, or if that's just my shitty way of rationalizing my staggering codependency. as much as i hated parts of baylor last semester, i'd give a lot to be back there now. jay keeps telling me that i try to make myself happy by changing my outer surroundings, and that doesn't seem to be working. he's probably right. what if i end up skinny with my hair grown back out, living in a cute apartment, and i'm doing well with my art, and i'm still not happy? what is it going to take?
i have visions of what i want my ideal future to be, and i'm terrified they won't come to fruition. i keep trying to make the fairy tale real. settling isn't an option. maybe i'll come out a sarcastic, bitter witch when all my dreams come crashing to the ground- but at least i'll have tried, right?
sometimes i wonder.
i'm scared my etsu loans won't come in on time and that my schedule will get screwed up. i don't know how much more defeat i can take. if things don't get better with school starting, then i'm going to be scared for my sanity. because now, i have no one to hold me up. i have to start actually getting shit done on my own. i'm terribly weak. standing on my own two feet seems to be damn near impossible for me. why is that, exactly?
what's preventing me from being happy with myself, on my own? i don't know if there are just some people that aren't meant to be by themselves, or if that's just my shitty way of rationalizing my staggering codependency. as much as i hated parts of baylor last semester, i'd give a lot to be back there now. jay keeps telling me that i try to make myself happy by changing my outer surroundings, and that doesn't seem to be working. he's probably right. what if i end up skinny with my hair grown back out, living in a cute apartment, and i'm doing well with my art, and i'm still not happy? what is it going to take?
i have visions of what i want my ideal future to be, and i'm terrified they won't come to fruition. i keep trying to make the fairy tale real. settling isn't an option. maybe i'll come out a sarcastic, bitter witch when all my dreams come crashing to the ground- but at least i'll have tried, right?
sometimes i wonder.