stick me with lil needles, i need to drain.
i want to cry. what is wrong with me. i feel the need to go somewhere and i dont know where. i want to crawl out of my skin. i kinda wish i woulda taken dani to the airport just so i had a destination to drive. fuck. this hurts. fuck. garden state. shit. it always goes back to some fuckin garden state quote. exactly tho. it feels like garden state. i dont have enuf time to waste here on this earth in this body, this mind, this soul not to act on every whim and feel out every desire. it just drives me nuts when obstacles stand in the way of it- namely fear and.. no, im pretty sure everything and everyone runs on fear. even i, in the conscious effort to have no regrets, do so outta fear. granted it would be nice to live life to the fullest for the sheer sake of experience, but mostly its cuz u fear waking up 50 years old, 60, 70, 90 and saying" what if.. if only this.. i shoulda that.." there will always be some regrets.. but its the ones right now that i know i could change if id stop being soo scared. so i finally get some nads and now its completely outta my control.
i hate it. a scorpio's worst fear. out of control.
i cant even sit still with myself. i wanted it soo bad. who knows. i dont like putting anything out there til i know for sure. thank you dad. guuuh.it sucks cuz he sounds sincere and etc. and then everyone else is losing faith. i want to believe it. but am i being just the thing i hate. am i hoping blindly in a truth that doesnt exist. no no no. i want to be positive and optimistic and have a faith that goodness exists and is possible.. for me too. i wanna be anne frank. the rabbi called justnow. its a lil late aint it. hmm..
i need finals to be done. i need to be able to breathe an air that is free of stress and worry and fEEARrRRR
i really need a good cry right now. it never comes when u want it or need it. only when ur in the worrrrse place at the woorst time in front of all the ppl in the world ud never want to see you cry, lol. cuz thats how it works these days. karen o knows what imtalkin bout. there is noo.. modern romance..
i had fun at dani's. i lov that kid to pieces. seriously cracks me up, its embarrassing, cuz i cant not laugh. aww lil eytan has a gf.. yay for him. at least someones in a productive relationship. man im bitter. not cuz of eytan.. oy. shuddup dani, i dont REALLY want ur brother, that is like illegal on all kidns of levels. im jealous that dani is on his way to ny right now.i was spose to go to see family but i got that stupid court date which stupidly got avoided by a courtesy ticket and now im doing jack crap and i coulda gone and im pissed. FUCK. i am soo pissed right now. i dont evne know why. nothing has changed. as far as im REALLY concerned he is still interested. i just hate when other ppl who seem closer to the situation telling you it doesnt look good. cuz then u feel stupid for thinking it mite still.
i really hope what she said isnt true. stupid fear. sometimes i wish u could force ppl into things that u know theyd eventually like. lol. like i could go on an audition and be like" u dont like me now, but u will." cuz then it would avoid the awful interview/ audition aspect and then ud really be able to perform.
im tangent queen right now.
im going to go sit and ponder emily dickinson. success is sweetest to those who dont succeed. im stuck in a box in a paradox on a dock it seems. i really like that she said that tho. stephen and i discussed it a lil in speech today. it was nice, we actually got into a semi- deep conversation. it beat talking to that annooooying girl who never shts up.. much like me when i rant on this here LJ.
i give up. i give in. im gonna go print some pix for scrapbookin tomorrow. yay im seein Les Mis. with ellie. im stoked. it'll be awesome times. i wish someone would call me already. im sad. and i feel like a chump for thinking it mite actually have happened. maybe i should be thinking positive, but cynics dont do that and tonite being a cynci makes me hpapy. the ants have now invaded the bathroom. those crazy lil fucks.
wellll. until my next rant session. yours truly, the bitching queen...Cassie
i hate it. a scorpio's worst fear. out of control.
i cant even sit still with myself. i wanted it soo bad. who knows. i dont like putting anything out there til i know for sure. thank you dad. guuuh.it sucks cuz he sounds sincere and etc. and then everyone else is losing faith. i want to believe it. but am i being just the thing i hate. am i hoping blindly in a truth that doesnt exist. no no no. i want to be positive and optimistic and have a faith that goodness exists and is possible.. for me too. i wanna be anne frank. the rabbi called justnow. its a lil late aint it. hmm..
i need finals to be done. i need to be able to breathe an air that is free of stress and worry and fEEARrRRR
i really need a good cry right now. it never comes when u want it or need it. only when ur in the worrrrse place at the woorst time in front of all the ppl in the world ud never want to see you cry, lol. cuz thats how it works these days. karen o knows what imtalkin bout. there is noo.. modern romance..
i had fun at dani's. i lov that kid to pieces. seriously cracks me up, its embarrassing, cuz i cant not laugh. aww lil eytan has a gf.. yay for him. at least someones in a productive relationship. man im bitter. not cuz of eytan.. oy. shuddup dani, i dont REALLY want ur brother, that is like illegal on all kidns of levels. im jealous that dani is on his way to ny right now.i was spose to go to see family but i got that stupid court date which stupidly got avoided by a courtesy ticket and now im doing jack crap and i coulda gone and im pissed. FUCK. i am soo pissed right now. i dont evne know why. nothing has changed. as far as im REALLY concerned he is still interested. i just hate when other ppl who seem closer to the situation telling you it doesnt look good. cuz then u feel stupid for thinking it mite still.
i really hope what she said isnt true. stupid fear. sometimes i wish u could force ppl into things that u know theyd eventually like. lol. like i could go on an audition and be like" u dont like me now, but u will." cuz then it would avoid the awful interview/ audition aspect and then ud really be able to perform.
im tangent queen right now.
im going to go sit and ponder emily dickinson. success is sweetest to those who dont succeed. im stuck in a box in a paradox on a dock it seems. i really like that she said that tho. stephen and i discussed it a lil in speech today. it was nice, we actually got into a semi- deep conversation. it beat talking to that annooooying girl who never shts up.. much like me when i rant on this here LJ.
i give up. i give in. im gonna go print some pix for scrapbookin tomorrow. yay im seein Les Mis. with ellie. im stoked. it'll be awesome times. i wish someone would call me already. im sad. and i feel like a chump for thinking it mite actually have happened. maybe i should be thinking positive, but cynics dont do that and tonite being a cynci makes me hpapy. the ants have now invaded the bathroom. those crazy lil fucks.
wellll. until my next rant session. yours truly, the bitching queen...Cassie