I've Never Been good at this...
So keeping a journal isn't my fortay! What can I say, I have a lot on my mind and sometimes having to write it down becomes more of a chore than actually pleasure. So of course i'm at work right now, waiting for the day to be over. I'm excited to go home to a cooked meal that i did NOT have to cook, yay for my other fave roomie Ami :) She makes me smile and figure things out in my head...she's so talented let me tell you, it's a hard thing to untangle. I said I would introduce you to the beau and i think it's about time, he takes up my evetire life practically. not that i'm complaining b/c if i didn't have him i wouldn't be sane...and not to mention very lonely. He's one of the best guys i've ever met, just a little rough around the edges. For a long time now we have been having not such a great time with our relationship...whether we don't go together, we've been together too long, we've grown and matured (as in me maturing and him NOT) who knows...but we do want to be together, we need to figure a lot out. We are going against all odds and opinions when we do this, as in everyone i know and everyone he knows...except his friends are a hell of a lot nicer than mine and i have been questioning friendships for awhile now b/c of how they treat me over this issue. It's complicated, that's another entry for another day. Currently the situation is rocky due his relationship errors. I know that i don't show him the best of our relationship b/c i am holding a grude kind of, it's more like, i dont want him to be able to have 2 girls he loves at once while i get half of him. that's just not how it's supposed to work. Well we are attempting to move on from this "grudge" and resentment period and find some healing and forgiveness and FORGETTING...i just wish some of the things he said and did never happened. It would make my life easier and i wouldn't have to trip over his "past" as i find letters, pictures, texts...and then besides that i am having trouble forgetting the things he says to me when he is angry, and to tell you the truth those are the things that hurt the worst and to him what he says is nothing, mainly b/c he just says them to piss me off and make me shut up...he doesn't mean them. it's hard for me to think he isn't comparing me, is thinking about someone else, is missing someone else, will go back to that someone else, will lie to me about that someone else, will hide part of his life b/c he knows he can't share that with me...ah hem can we say cheating in it's own way...he can't physically be with this someone else and never has been, but it's emotional. he loves her, he misses her, he thinks about her, he only has good things to say about her and will never forget her. it makes me feel not up to par, not meaningful enough, not special...yes i have exes..but they are not trying to be with me saying i love you texting me writing me emailing me..THEY AREN"T THERE!!!!!! not anywhere!!!!!!!!! and she is in his pocket...he lies to me about it. it seemed like he can't, wont, will never give her up in his heart or mind..... wow that went from me wanting to tell you about the boy and the goodness to my frustrations...the goodness will come soon...the rocky road is takin over my mind. it's hard to forget that the person you are dating might not be thinking about you but someone else...ya know, like you just don't mean as much to them as they mean to you...