My heart hurts, drama and mush, if you don't really know me, this will be boring.
It is almost to the day that it was a year that we found out my Mom had brain cancer. February 13th, a Friday. I will never get her back, I will never see her smile ever again in person, I will never get to hug her, to confide in her. She takes up most of my mind lately. They gave her a year. She didn't make it a year. I am angry at that fact.
I am walking a thin line between the real and surreal. I feel as if my life is in shambles, I'm being pulled in different directions, I don't know which way to go.
I think I deserve to be happy. So why do I have so many damned obstacles in the way? Granted, my children are my everything- they make me so damned happy my heart could burst. But they deserve a Mom who has her shit together, and to be honest, I am slippin.
I want to be happy. I need to find my path to happiness. I know nobody will EVER replace my Mother. I just wish things could be different. I am missing a huge piece of my heart.
But I have to accept that she is gone, she is only a memory- a reminiscent moment that I find comfort in when things are going really downhill.
So then I snap back to reality and take a step back and look at my surroundings. What DO I want? My manager asked what I wanted to do in 5 years, what I see myself doing, and I really had no answer for him. I used to know. So many opportunities, I have to let go of the fear that stops me from attaining what I really want.
Career wise, I don't know. I kinda want to stay at where I am and hopefully move up the corporate ladder. Opportunities have presented themselves, but the fear overwhelms. Do I want to be in another field? Do I want to stay in the airline industry? Do I want to make easy money by serving cocktails? Do I want to go back to school for my Bachelor's? I am not getting any younger, I feel pressed for time.
Family wise, I want what most women want (I say most because I know single women who want to stay that way). I want the kids, the house, the dog. I am aware that I have exactly that right now, but things aren't right. With the kids, house and dog, should be a man that loves you unconditionally. One that understands you, or tries to even when he has no clue about how you are feeling. I want someone to love every single thing about me. I want to feel IMPORTANT. I hope that isn't asking for too much.
I am almost 27 years old, and I have lost my sense of direction. Hopefully things will look up soon, and I will find my path. K tells me things happen for a reason, I hope this proves true because my current path seems stable enough for right now. I am halfway to being happy, I know exactly what I need to be happy, I just don't want that to be taken from me.
I am walking a thin line between the real and surreal. I feel as if my life is in shambles, I'm being pulled in different directions, I don't know which way to go.
I think I deserve to be happy. So why do I have so many damned obstacles in the way? Granted, my children are my everything- they make me so damned happy my heart could burst. But they deserve a Mom who has her shit together, and to be honest, I am slippin.
I want to be happy. I need to find my path to happiness. I know nobody will EVER replace my Mother. I just wish things could be different. I am missing a huge piece of my heart.
But I have to accept that she is gone, she is only a memory- a reminiscent moment that I find comfort in when things are going really downhill.
So then I snap back to reality and take a step back and look at my surroundings. What DO I want? My manager asked what I wanted to do in 5 years, what I see myself doing, and I really had no answer for him. I used to know. So many opportunities, I have to let go of the fear that stops me from attaining what I really want.
Career wise, I don't know. I kinda want to stay at where I am and hopefully move up the corporate ladder. Opportunities have presented themselves, but the fear overwhelms. Do I want to be in another field? Do I want to stay in the airline industry? Do I want to make easy money by serving cocktails? Do I want to go back to school for my Bachelor's? I am not getting any younger, I feel pressed for time.
Family wise, I want what most women want (I say most because I know single women who want to stay that way). I want the kids, the house, the dog. I am aware that I have exactly that right now, but things aren't right. With the kids, house and dog, should be a man that loves you unconditionally. One that understands you, or tries to even when he has no clue about how you are feeling. I want someone to love every single thing about me. I want to feel IMPORTANT. I hope that isn't asking for too much.
I am almost 27 years old, and I have lost my sense of direction. Hopefully things will look up soon, and I will find my path. K tells me things happen for a reason, I hope this proves true because my current path seems stable enough for right now. I am halfway to being happy, I know exactly what I need to be happy, I just don't want that to be taken from me.