I've been driving on this road too long, just trying to find my way back home.
Blah. I'm sick. God, I hate this. I hope I feel better before work on Monday. I don't really know who I would get to cover me at this point. I have so much work to do there too. Damn.
So last Sunday, I was working on my house and Derek called me. I asked him if I could come over later. He said yeah, that he was just gonna be working. Long story short, I got lied to. Walked right into Lora basically. Fun fucking fun. I went in and used the bathroom. Not the brightest thing to do, but I really had to go and I was sorta dazed. While in the bathroom I tried to figure out what the fuck to do. I held onto my composure until I got into the car. The the gates of hell burst and I was crying and sobbing and choking. Betrayed. I was fucking betrayed and set up. "I never want to hurt your purposely". He use to say that. Well, I see where that led. I was about to get on the 417 when Andy called me and said I could come back. I went back and went straight to the bathroom where I crying quietly and vomited a little. Went out and laid with Andy a bit. He wanted to know what was wrong. I didn't want to tell him. So fucking embarrassed. I laid on him a bit until I felt well enough to drive home. I finally told him what had happened and asked for a hug. I got a good couple of hugs and drove home to Danielle and Will's place. Ate some leftovers and got the fuck over this bullshit. Yeah, I miss Derek. He was my male comfort, my support. The person who would hold me and love on me. Affection. But fucking hell, I can't do it anymore. I have enough troubles with work, people dying, family, and my health. It will take me a while to get over this. I know it will, but I have to. Otherwise, I have no respect for myself, and I'll be damned if I'll allow my respect and pride to be taken away anymore.
On the other hand, I had a nice time with Andy. Played, which was super fun and lovely. Dinner, when we talked about some stuff that made us both think. My sister wants Andy to meet Will, to see what Will thinks of him, but not tell Will that the person he is meeting is Andy. Bah. A lot of fucking drama I say. I know that Andy will never have any interest in me besides what we have now, and that's okay. Everyone has their reason of why they are in my life, and I think that Andy's may just be this and only this. But I want more kissing :P and breath play. Yummy breath play. Though my lungs were popping for two days after the little bit we did on Sunday. But oh how I love it.
Its been a super busy week. Work is crazy, and just got a lot busier. Woo. Sean broke his arm in a bad way, but hopefully everything turns out good on that. It has so far. Probably where I got this fucking cold and sore throat, stupid hospital. Danielle and Will have been helping me clean up and redecorate my place. Its looking really nifty and awesome. They did most of it. cause they are super like that.
I've been trying to keep my mood stable lately. That has been my main goal. There are times where I feel I'm cracking and going to shatter into a million pieces, but I somehow manage to pull it together and keep going. I'll probably go crazy here soon, but then I'll just ask for a good beating and hope I get it. And kisses. I always want the kisses too. I pretty much always have a craving for affection. Cuddle me, love me, stroke my hair. I miss feeling that. But I'd rather not have it at all, than be given a false version. Fuckin Eh Man. Take me for longering, or leave me behind.
So last Sunday, I was working on my house and Derek called me. I asked him if I could come over later. He said yeah, that he was just gonna be working. Long story short, I got lied to. Walked right into Lora basically. Fun fucking fun. I went in and used the bathroom. Not the brightest thing to do, but I really had to go and I was sorta dazed. While in the bathroom I tried to figure out what the fuck to do. I held onto my composure until I got into the car. The the gates of hell burst and I was crying and sobbing and choking. Betrayed. I was fucking betrayed and set up. "I never want to hurt your purposely". He use to say that. Well, I see where that led. I was about to get on the 417 when Andy called me and said I could come back. I went back and went straight to the bathroom where I crying quietly and vomited a little. Went out and laid with Andy a bit. He wanted to know what was wrong. I didn't want to tell him. So fucking embarrassed. I laid on him a bit until I felt well enough to drive home. I finally told him what had happened and asked for a hug. I got a good couple of hugs and drove home to Danielle and Will's place. Ate some leftovers and got the fuck over this bullshit. Yeah, I miss Derek. He was my male comfort, my support. The person who would hold me and love on me. Affection. But fucking hell, I can't do it anymore. I have enough troubles with work, people dying, family, and my health. It will take me a while to get over this. I know it will, but I have to. Otherwise, I have no respect for myself, and I'll be damned if I'll allow my respect and pride to be taken away anymore.
On the other hand, I had a nice time with Andy. Played, which was super fun and lovely. Dinner, when we talked about some stuff that made us both think. My sister wants Andy to meet Will, to see what Will thinks of him, but not tell Will that the person he is meeting is Andy. Bah. A lot of fucking drama I say. I know that Andy will never have any interest in me besides what we have now, and that's okay. Everyone has their reason of why they are in my life, and I think that Andy's may just be this and only this. But I want more kissing :P and breath play. Yummy breath play. Though my lungs were popping for two days after the little bit we did on Sunday. But oh how I love it.
Its been a super busy week. Work is crazy, and just got a lot busier. Woo. Sean broke his arm in a bad way, but hopefully everything turns out good on that. It has so far. Probably where I got this fucking cold and sore throat, stupid hospital. Danielle and Will have been helping me clean up and redecorate my place. Its looking really nifty and awesome. They did most of it. cause they are super like that.
I've been trying to keep my mood stable lately. That has been my main goal. There are times where I feel I'm cracking and going to shatter into a million pieces, but I somehow manage to pull it together and keep going. I'll probably go crazy here soon, but then I'll just ask for a good beating and hope I get it. And kisses. I always want the kisses too. I pretty much always have a craving for affection. Cuddle me, love me, stroke my hair. I miss feeling that. But I'd rather not have it at all, than be given a false version. Fuckin Eh Man. Take me for longering, or leave me behind.