reflections...
After reading through a particular someone's blog journal, i've realized that I don't want to be the sad, dreary, always-complaining-about-stuff person that i'm starting to become. I know that most people don't like to be around people like that since they always seem to make everyone else around them sad, and that's not at all what I want to do. If anything, I'm always striving for the opposite - to make people happy...
*sigh* I'm going to try harder to put as much of the effort that I use to make others around me happy, to make myself happy. I need to start taking better care of myself, gain more self-confidence, and realize that I can't be perfect, but no one is. Sometimes I feel lonely, like no one is there for me, even when I'm with a big group of people. But I think it's all a mental thing and I need to learn how to disregard these feelings when they start creeping up in my mind. If I am able to dismiss these sad thoughts,then maybe I'll be able to gain enough strength to stay happy and cheerful most of the time. The one thing that's been helping me stay focused on being happy are my handful of friends that I know I can count on at anytime. People that I feel so comfortable talking about anything with. I realized that not that many people have a strong support system like that and when they start falling into the bottom less pit of depression or sadness, they find themselves with no one to lend a hand and help them. I need to start being more appreciative of the good,no - the GREAT friends that I have. I need to stop thinking of myself as having nothing, when in fact I have been blessed with so much. More than I could ever ask for, more than I even deserve...
The other day I was in the shower thinking, has anyone else ever noticed that you can do some of your best thinking while in the shower?? There's just something so relaxing about it that your mind has time to think clearly and wander. But anyway, so at first I was really happy thinking of the great conversations that I had last friday with my three best friends, and then I thought of all the fun times I had with them this past summer, then all of a sudden I began crying...not the sobbing kind of crying, but just tears started falling...At first I was surprised with myself, I mean how can you be happy one minute and then crying tears of sadness the next? (well, only if you're bipolar I guess that could happen...in which case, that's not really your fault). But then I realized why I was crying. I've been holding on to memories of this past summer (the good ones anyway) and that's why I've been feeling extremely homesick lately. I've been trying to keep myself busy with schoolwork, reading, essays, etc, but during the times when I'm alone and my mind is left to wander, I start worrying about my dad. The other day I was alone in my dorm room, trying to take a nap when suddenly I started thinking about this horrible question, "what would happen if something even more serious had happened to my dad and he ended up passing away?" (what kind of daughter thinks about something like this??) Then I couldn't help it but I started crying... I know that it's been a little over a month since his surgery and he's doing so much better right now, but I still can't help worrying a good majority of the day about whether he's okay or not. My worrying usually lessens when I know that my mom is off for the day and is home with him, but her work schedule is hectic most of the time so he's usually at home by himself. I just wouldn't know what to do if I lose him. My daddy is so important to me. The other day when I was spending time with my parents my mom laughed at me when I was telling her a story and told me that I was so much like my dad. That actually meant a lot to me. I'd love to be like my daddy. He's the kindest, sweetest, most caring, most giving, selfless individual I have ever met. If anything, I know that he has helped influence me to become the person that I am today, who always strives to make people happy when they're feeling sad or to give anything that I can give, even when I have nothing. Maybe it's not a good idea to be writing all of this personal information somewhere that everyone has access to. On the other hand, maybe it's better to have people read this and understand why I act the way that I do sometimes...or to help them know what is on my mind when they ask me if i'm okay and I just respond, "yeah..." with a distant unreadable look on my face. Either way, I just needed to get all these feelings out. . .
On a happier note, this morning I cooked Crepes and scrambled eggs for JC,Jeremy, Sean & Wajdi. I think they liked the food, even though I felt bad since I had promised to make them pancakes. :( I really like spending time with them though, and cooking and cleaning here. For some reason, maybe similar to the way I feel when I'm painting or drawing, I feel really happy when I'm cooking for other people. It's so relaxing. :) Oh goodness, I really AM going to make a good wife (someday)...Is it WEIRD that I actually find myself enjoying cooking, baking, cleaning EVERYTHING, washing dishes, doing laundry & folding clothes?? sheesh, what's wrong with me. :P
I guess I should go get some work done now. Yay for no classes 'til 5 today! :)
OH! one last thing!! Yesterday I became the Treasurer for NAMI!! So hopefully i'll be able to be a decent treasurer (even though i'm really bad at "treasurer" stuff...like math? haha). It still feels good to be part of something.
Leave happy ones.
*sigh* I'm going to try harder to put as much of the effort that I use to make others around me happy, to make myself happy. I need to start taking better care of myself, gain more self-confidence, and realize that I can't be perfect, but no one is. Sometimes I feel lonely, like no one is there for me, even when I'm with a big group of people. But I think it's all a mental thing and I need to learn how to disregard these feelings when they start creeping up in my mind. If I am able to dismiss these sad thoughts,then maybe I'll be able to gain enough strength to stay happy and cheerful most of the time. The one thing that's been helping me stay focused on being happy are my handful of friends that I know I can count on at anytime. People that I feel so comfortable talking about anything with. I realized that not that many people have a strong support system like that and when they start falling into the bottom less pit of depression or sadness, they find themselves with no one to lend a hand and help them. I need to start being more appreciative of the good,no - the GREAT friends that I have. I need to stop thinking of myself as having nothing, when in fact I have been blessed with so much. More than I could ever ask for, more than I even deserve...
The other day I was in the shower thinking, has anyone else ever noticed that you can do some of your best thinking while in the shower?? There's just something so relaxing about it that your mind has time to think clearly and wander. But anyway, so at first I was really happy thinking of the great conversations that I had last friday with my three best friends, and then I thought of all the fun times I had with them this past summer, then all of a sudden I began crying...not the sobbing kind of crying, but just tears started falling...At first I was surprised with myself, I mean how can you be happy one minute and then crying tears of sadness the next? (well, only if you're bipolar I guess that could happen...in which case, that's not really your fault). But then I realized why I was crying. I've been holding on to memories of this past summer (the good ones anyway) and that's why I've been feeling extremely homesick lately. I've been trying to keep myself busy with schoolwork, reading, essays, etc, but during the times when I'm alone and my mind is left to wander, I start worrying about my dad. The other day I was alone in my dorm room, trying to take a nap when suddenly I started thinking about this horrible question, "what would happen if something even more serious had happened to my dad and he ended up passing away?" (what kind of daughter thinks about something like this??) Then I couldn't help it but I started crying... I know that it's been a little over a month since his surgery and he's doing so much better right now, but I still can't help worrying a good majority of the day about whether he's okay or not. My worrying usually lessens when I know that my mom is off for the day and is home with him, but her work schedule is hectic most of the time so he's usually at home by himself. I just wouldn't know what to do if I lose him. My daddy is so important to me. The other day when I was spending time with my parents my mom laughed at me when I was telling her a story and told me that I was so much like my dad. That actually meant a lot to me. I'd love to be like my daddy. He's the kindest, sweetest, most caring, most giving, selfless individual I have ever met. If anything, I know that he has helped influence me to become the person that I am today, who always strives to make people happy when they're feeling sad or to give anything that I can give, even when I have nothing. Maybe it's not a good idea to be writing all of this personal information somewhere that everyone has access to. On the other hand, maybe it's better to have people read this and understand why I act the way that I do sometimes...or to help them know what is on my mind when they ask me if i'm okay and I just respond, "yeah..." with a distant unreadable look on my face. Either way, I just needed to get all these feelings out. . .
On a happier note, this morning I cooked Crepes and scrambled eggs for JC,Jeremy, Sean & Wajdi. I think they liked the food, even though I felt bad since I had promised to make them pancakes. :( I really like spending time with them though, and cooking and cleaning here. For some reason, maybe similar to the way I feel when I'm painting or drawing, I feel really happy when I'm cooking for other people. It's so relaxing. :) Oh goodness, I really AM going to make a good wife (someday)...Is it WEIRD that I actually find myself enjoying cooking, baking, cleaning EVERYTHING, washing dishes, doing laundry & folding clothes?? sheesh, what's wrong with me. :P
I guess I should go get some work done now. Yay for no classes 'til 5 today! :)
OH! one last thing!! Yesterday I became the Treasurer for NAMI!! So hopefully i'll be able to be a decent treasurer (even though i'm really bad at "treasurer" stuff...like math? haha). It still feels good to be part of something.
Leave happy ones.