Let's try something new...
I'm always so focused on my own problems that I often become insensitive to the problems of those around me.
*sigh* But then again I can't know about everyone's feelings, anxieties, losses, goals, etc... then again, I don't think anyone is ever really able to detect how others feel at all times.
On that note, I've been hiding a lot of worries and feelings I've been having lately. Feelings of helplessness, feelings of loneliness, feelings of jealousy and betrayal, and feelings of worry.
Sometimes I want to do so much and reach out to as many people as possible because I really hate to see people feeling sad or lonely. I enjoy seeing people smiling and laughing and knowing that I've helped even one person a day. However, how much effort does one have to put in and how much of their own happiness and enjoyment must one give up in order to make everyone else around him/her happy? As selfless of a person as I'd like to be, I've realized that I really can't sit and continue to make others around me happy as I quietly fall deeper and deeper into sadness, loneliness and bitterness. I try to reach out to people often, especially my best friends and boyfriend who have all always been there to support me no matter what, but sometimes I feel like I'm too much of a burden on them. That I spend too much time complaining, even though others all around me and around the world have greater problems than me. I feel like my mind always works in such a contradicting manner - where one minute I feel like I'm not being reasonable since others have problems that far exceed the importance or magnitude of mine, yet another minute I'm thinking along the terms of " well, just because my problems aren't great doesn't mean they're not important...and besides, they're the only ones I can deal with and fix myself". Often, I don't know what to think or how to act in different situations.
Another question that's been pestering my mind is "how am I supposed to be able to help others and make them happy and smile when I can't, don't or won't, even listen to my own advice, nor can I keep myself happy"? I just don't understand... And how is it that one can be in the presence of tens, hundreds, even thousands of people and still feel completely alone? How is it possible for one to be with friends, laughing and cheering and smiling and joking on the outside, yet crying and sobbing and worrying on the inside? If I feel and experience moments like this, does that make me a fake person or a hypocrite? I really hope it doesn't because I tend to be one that really dislikes "fake" people. . .
And when can a son or daughter find enough courage to stop worrying about a parent several months after a sudden, unexpected and frightening experience? It's April right now, even almost into May already and I still find myself constantly worrying about whether or not my father is alright, whether or not he's eating well, whether or not I'll be able to see him. As a college student, many of my peers around me are excited to experience freedom and independence, yet I'm still holding onto dependence on my parents and for some reason I don't want to let go. I go home on the weekend as often as possible, sometimes just to make sure my dad is alright and being able to spend time with him in person means less time for me to spend worrying about him. Sometimes my dad comes and visits me during the week to take me out for lunch or something just so that he can see me, which I enjoy since it's time away from "school" and time that I can just relax and hang out with my father. At the same time, I dont understand why I become so sad and depressed after he leaves...sometimes I feel like screaming "don't leave me!" or "take me with you!" before I get out of the car, but I usually don't and instead hide my feelings, try to be strong and tell him I love him and that i'll see him again soon. Then later that day I find myself crying and those are the moments where the tears just don't seem to stop. The feelings even work their way into my interactions with others. Sometimes I'll be engaged in a conversation with someone and then my mind will just wander back into worries of "I wonder if he got home safely", etc... I know I've often heard stories of parents worrying constantly about the safety of their children, but has there been a case where the child of that parent worries even MORE constantly about the parent's safety? I just don't know when these feelings will be able to stop, or when they'll be able to decrease in severity. It's been nearly eight months since my dad's heart attack and surgery. And he's been doing really well with exercising on a daily basis and staying relaxed and eating more healthily. So when will I be able to just relax too?
I think this is the first time that I've decided to share this worry with other people, although I don't really know WHO reads this.
I just needed to vent and let some of my feelings out.
Leave comments if you'd like, I'll probably update again soon...
*sigh* But then again I can't know about everyone's feelings, anxieties, losses, goals, etc... then again, I don't think anyone is ever really able to detect how others feel at all times.
On that note, I've been hiding a lot of worries and feelings I've been having lately. Feelings of helplessness, feelings of loneliness, feelings of jealousy and betrayal, and feelings of worry.
Sometimes I want to do so much and reach out to as many people as possible because I really hate to see people feeling sad or lonely. I enjoy seeing people smiling and laughing and knowing that I've helped even one person a day. However, how much effort does one have to put in and how much of their own happiness and enjoyment must one give up in order to make everyone else around him/her happy? As selfless of a person as I'd like to be, I've realized that I really can't sit and continue to make others around me happy as I quietly fall deeper and deeper into sadness, loneliness and bitterness. I try to reach out to people often, especially my best friends and boyfriend who have all always been there to support me no matter what, but sometimes I feel like I'm too much of a burden on them. That I spend too much time complaining, even though others all around me and around the world have greater problems than me. I feel like my mind always works in such a contradicting manner - where one minute I feel like I'm not being reasonable since others have problems that far exceed the importance or magnitude of mine, yet another minute I'm thinking along the terms of " well, just because my problems aren't great doesn't mean they're not important...and besides, they're the only ones I can deal with and fix myself". Often, I don't know what to think or how to act in different situations.
Another question that's been pestering my mind is "how am I supposed to be able to help others and make them happy and smile when I can't, don't or won't, even listen to my own advice, nor can I keep myself happy"? I just don't understand... And how is it that one can be in the presence of tens, hundreds, even thousands of people and still feel completely alone? How is it possible for one to be with friends, laughing and cheering and smiling and joking on the outside, yet crying and sobbing and worrying on the inside? If I feel and experience moments like this, does that make me a fake person or a hypocrite? I really hope it doesn't because I tend to be one that really dislikes "fake" people. . .
And when can a son or daughter find enough courage to stop worrying about a parent several months after a sudden, unexpected and frightening experience? It's April right now, even almost into May already and I still find myself constantly worrying about whether or not my father is alright, whether or not he's eating well, whether or not I'll be able to see him. As a college student, many of my peers around me are excited to experience freedom and independence, yet I'm still holding onto dependence on my parents and for some reason I don't want to let go. I go home on the weekend as often as possible, sometimes just to make sure my dad is alright and being able to spend time with him in person means less time for me to spend worrying about him. Sometimes my dad comes and visits me during the week to take me out for lunch or something just so that he can see me, which I enjoy since it's time away from "school" and time that I can just relax and hang out with my father. At the same time, I dont understand why I become so sad and depressed after he leaves...sometimes I feel like screaming "don't leave me!" or "take me with you!" before I get out of the car, but I usually don't and instead hide my feelings, try to be strong and tell him I love him and that i'll see him again soon. Then later that day I find myself crying and those are the moments where the tears just don't seem to stop. The feelings even work their way into my interactions with others. Sometimes I'll be engaged in a conversation with someone and then my mind will just wander back into worries of "I wonder if he got home safely", etc... I know I've often heard stories of parents worrying constantly about the safety of their children, but has there been a case where the child of that parent worries even MORE constantly about the parent's safety? I just don't know when these feelings will be able to stop, or when they'll be able to decrease in severity. It's been nearly eight months since my dad's heart attack and surgery. And he's been doing really well with exercising on a daily basis and staying relaxed and eating more healthily. So when will I be able to just relax too?
I think this is the first time that I've decided to share this worry with other people, although I don't really know WHO reads this.
I just needed to vent and let some of my feelings out.
Leave comments if you'd like, I'll probably update again soon...