(no subject)
Last Thursday I re-discovered a park I'd only been to once before high up in the Oakland hills. I'd been introduced to it while Shauna and I were on rather rocky footing by her so I think my opinions of it weren't all that high in my memory. I'd had a particularly frustrating day of taking care of my Dad Thursday in which nothing had gone right and I was already feeling at the end of my emotional control to begin with. I had been going to see Rosemary after days like that with my Dad and her presence had strong calming effects on me, especially when she'd tell me how great of me she thought for the time and dedication I'd been giving my Dad. Since I couldn't see her that day I decided to stop at this park again and took a very long meandering drive from Berkeley all through the hill tops to the park, enjoying the really spectacular scenery and the challenging roads. By the time I arrived at the park I was feeling a little better already.
I sat for about 2 hours alternately reading, resting my mind, breathing in deeply in and out to calm myself, and enjoying the great views. It occurred to me during that time that I wanted to come to this park more often and I made a plan to go at least 2-3 times a week and use its many expansive hiking trails to help raise my stamina and general health.
Its now Saturday and I've been able to to spend first 2 hours yesterday and a little over a hour today in that park and I'm already feeling much more in control of my emotions and life in general. I still get these waves of intense sadness every time someone asks me, "How are you?" As my mind starts to calculate everything all told I'd been losing control, I would clam up, try to say fine and make the line of questioning go away, tears would fall. Its been all bad. I feel that this park and my time in it can be a new source of potential strength for me to draw on as I try to move forward. Since I've started I've been asked several times that same how are you question and so far the waves haven't felt quite as intense as they'd been before. I was able to keep my feet on the ground as they hit me, maintaining my composure, and most of my ability to speak. I believe this is already a huge improvement for me.
I have something during the day to look forward to, I've really enjoyed my time in the park so far and when I have a little more time I think I'll write more specifically about the space and some of the things I've found and seen already. For the moment though I have somewhere else I must get to.
I'm not sure if this was a good idea at this point or not but I made another date today, a different girl than the previous first week or so prior. So, first date part deux is today. I think whether this goes well or not I'm going to approach this from a more friendly aspect, I'm just not put together enough to be dealing with my heart around strangers. I could however use some good new people to just interact with.
I guess we'll see as always.
I do want to say one thing in case I don't get to writing about my experiences specifically. Today I discovered the funeral pyre of a local poet, who lived more than a century ago. Apparently he never got to use it. I was excited to learn more about this story. I also found a space on the grounds that I'm thinking of contacting to do some volunteer work, preserving the local watershed and native plant life.
I'm trying to embrace the concept of spring, rebirth, growth, new life. I think that might fit well into the foundation I'm trying to lay.
I sat for about 2 hours alternately reading, resting my mind, breathing in deeply in and out to calm myself, and enjoying the great views. It occurred to me during that time that I wanted to come to this park more often and I made a plan to go at least 2-3 times a week and use its many expansive hiking trails to help raise my stamina and general health.
Its now Saturday and I've been able to to spend first 2 hours yesterday and a little over a hour today in that park and I'm already feeling much more in control of my emotions and life in general. I still get these waves of intense sadness every time someone asks me, "How are you?" As my mind starts to calculate everything all told I'd been losing control, I would clam up, try to say fine and make the line of questioning go away, tears would fall. Its been all bad. I feel that this park and my time in it can be a new source of potential strength for me to draw on as I try to move forward. Since I've started I've been asked several times that same how are you question and so far the waves haven't felt quite as intense as they'd been before. I was able to keep my feet on the ground as they hit me, maintaining my composure, and most of my ability to speak. I believe this is already a huge improvement for me.
I have something during the day to look forward to, I've really enjoyed my time in the park so far and when I have a little more time I think I'll write more specifically about the space and some of the things I've found and seen already. For the moment though I have somewhere else I must get to.
I'm not sure if this was a good idea at this point or not but I made another date today, a different girl than the previous first week or so prior. So, first date part deux is today. I think whether this goes well or not I'm going to approach this from a more friendly aspect, I'm just not put together enough to be dealing with my heart around strangers. I could however use some good new people to just interact with.
I guess we'll see as always.
I do want to say one thing in case I don't get to writing about my experiences specifically. Today I discovered the funeral pyre of a local poet, who lived more than a century ago. Apparently he never got to use it. I was excited to learn more about this story. I also found a space on the grounds that I'm thinking of contacting to do some volunteer work, preserving the local watershed and native plant life.
I'm trying to embrace the concept of spring, rebirth, growth, new life. I think that might fit well into the foundation I'm trying to lay.